Prosithon,
You can do much better than this.
Maybe a lack of perspective on the subject, and so an excess of focus and detail. Nothing seems real to me; rather, the creation of adolescent dabbling in rhyme schemes and a meager idea.
Some semiological and grammatical errors need fixing; you can do quite a bit of fat-trimming, as well. Indeed, it is hard to see the muscles of this piece for all the fatty (t)issues.
Sorry I can't be positive.
Better luck next time,
Brad
