The Chronicles of Taer - Rewritten!

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Updated, finally!

Chapter 1

Crystalia leaned breathlessly against the cool stone wall lining the inner court of the castle. Just a little closer, she thought. She could smell the newly shined armor the soldiers wore for special ceremonies, and she wondered briefly what occasion would bring such formality. Her thoughts were left unfinished, however, when the guards’ patrol route took them close enough for her to catch their hushed words.

“..and they say that’s why he was so much more insistent upon having the Parade. Every age he pushes it further, and one of these days something’s bound to go wrong.”

Another guard spoke up. “The wars are coming too close to the Realm to be sure about our safety. There’s always a chance that one of these days a mercenary will sneak in. They would only need a moment...” She heard him sigh deeply. “They could slip by masses of commoners with no problem. We can’t cover every part of the Realm, no matter how strategically the King deploys us -”

The first soldier interrupted. “We have to take things one day at a time. Concentrate on the Royal Parade for today. We'll worry about the rest tomorrow.”

So that’s it! Crystalia thought. The Royal Parade is today! She longed to see it once again. Memories from three ages ago streamed into her mind. She could taste the rare sweet treats, hear the crowd cheering for the entertainers, and feel the sense of awe in the air as the King and Queen paraded a mere half-dragonlength away.

“Hey! What are you doing here?” enraged shouts were directed at her. Realizing she had lingered too long, the girl leapt up, springing toward the darkened alley which led to her home. Hearing heavy footsteps still following her, she quickly changed her direction, instead sprinting into a wide street full of people waiting for the Parade to start. She wove her way through the crowd, ignoring the surprised protests as she mercilessly pushed her way through the masses. The rushing of noise threatened to overwhelm her senses, but Crystalia just focused on losing the guards long enough to sneak back to her house. She risked a glance over her shoulder. The guards were standing back at the edge of the crowd, engaged in a heated discussion with one another. Finally, one of the guards stalked off back toward the inner court. Hesitating momentarily, the second guard followed, but not without a final glance over the crowd.

Crystalia sighed in relief and made her way back home, cautious that no one was following her. She took her time, not wanting to even consider what the reaction would be from her brother when she walked in the door.



“Where is she?” Malkin muttered again, pacing in front of the door. He had thought little of it when he found her bed empty this morning. She was always off grabbing a news flyer or a few oranges. But after two bells had sounded, he began to worry. She wouldn’t be out for this long, even on a market day. Unbidden, his mind produced images of secluded shadows striking out with knives and rowdy soldiers grabbing the innocent girl. A familiar noise interrupted his dark thoughts. Crystalia opened the door, quickly slipped herself inside, then shut and locked it.

Malkin grabbed her by the shoulders and made her look at him. “Where have you been?” he demanded.

“I-I was looking for a free news flyer. You know how long it takes these days to find one. Everyone saves them to keep up with the battles.” Her silvery-blue eyes glistened.

“You couldn’t have been out past the ninth bell for that! Where else did you go?”

Crysi hung her head. “I passed the castle courtyard on the way back,” she began hesitantly. “I saw the guards talking on their patrol route. They usually like to have a flyer with them for interest, and I sneaked closer to hear them -”

Malkin stuttered. “Crys, do you know what would have happened if you had been caught? They would have brought you to the king and thrown you into the dungeon!” He sighed and rubbed his head.

“Malkin, I’m sorry...” she said meekly.

He avoided her tearful gaze for a moment, wishing once again he didn't have to play the parent. "Just don't do it again," he said at last, looking up at her.

He led her over to the unsteady table. “Someone dropped by with a fresh loaf of bread and a packet of butter,” he explained, seating himself.

“Well then, let’s celebrate!” Crysi said. “It is the King’s Day after all. Can we go to the Royal Parade? Oh, to see those gowns and trinkets again!”

Malkin hesitated, charmed by his little sister’s young enthusiasm but slightly frustrated that she had not seemed to have learned her lesson. “Perhaps,” he replied, breaking off a piece of the bread and handing it to her, “but not until after the chores are done. The inspector should be making his visit soon, and I’d rather not have to pay him extra again to keep quiet. I promised the place would be straightened up, and we have to store away your things.”

Crysi nodded, buttering her bread. She was used to this procedure and she didn’t want to forget again. Malkin’s previous disappointment in her was worse than any physical punishment she could have received.

They ate in silence, then proceeded with the chores: Covering the bookshelf, placing a book under the short leg of the table, picking up loose papers, and finally moving Crysi’s belongings into the back of her closet and covering the entrance with a worn tapestry.

As they completed the last chore, they heard a growing roar of excitement announcing the Parade had come to their part of town.

“Crystalia, pay attention to what you’re doing,” Malkin warned, picking up a sheet of parchment his sister had absentmindedly dropped.

“Sorry, brother,” she apologized, still only half concentrating.

Finally Malkin announced it was good enough. He watched as Crysi ran out into the hall, eager to see the Parade. As he began to follow, he caught his image in the shined mirror on her wall. He absently attempted to tame his blond hair, which had grown dirty and disheveled from the hard work he did as he tried to earn enough gems to keep the house. His pale silver-blue eyes, trademarks of the white dragonkin, had grown dark with worry and maturity. The past three Seasons had changed him into a man, giving him responsibilities he was not sure he could handle.

Crysi reappeared in the room, wearing her cloak and offering him his. “Worrying about your pretty face again?” she laughed, dragging him away from the mirror. “Come on! We’re going to miss the King and Queen if we don’t hurry.”

“All right, all right. Lead the way,” he said, a slight smile on his face. His sister’s excitement was contagious, and by the time they closed the front door behind them, he was sorely tempted to laugh along with her.



By the time they reached the parade route, it seemed the entire neighborhood was pushing for a clear view. With a slight nod to one another, Crysi and Malkin split up, concealing themselves within the crowd while still remaining within each other’s sight. Malkin checked to make sure his money pouch was secure by his side. He looked around for a sweets tray so he could buy his sister one of the rare treats.

Vendors wandered around through the crowd with their trays secured at chest level. Poles ran up from their backs above the spectators’ heads, each pole unique to the type of trinket the vendor was selling. Many were decorated with striped streamers and a few had bells at the top. One only had to locate the pole they were looking for and follow it to its owner.

The crowd bustled past each other, fighting for a better view or to be within reaching distance of a prime vendor. Families struggled to stick together throughout the chaos and to control the children who had a habit of wandering off to find sparkling fancies. Shouts arose from all over: cries of who had the best goods, boasts, complaints, and mothers calling for their children.

Finally finding the aqua- and pink-striped pole he was looking for, Malkin slowly made his way to the sweets vendor. Taking a small gem out of his pouch, he motioned to the vendor, who immediately offered his tray. Malkin chose a delicate chocolate, probably filled with some cream filling, handed over the gem, and thanked the vendor. He returned to what he thought was his previous spot - it was so hard to tell with the sway of the crowd - and looked for his sister. Finding her, he held up the treat and motioned toward her.

Crysi's eyes lit up. Keeping her composure, she wove through the crowd and finally reached her brother. Giving him thanks and a hug, she eyed the treat for a while before consuming it. It was sweet both to the eye and the stomach, and it was a special event in itself. She ignored her brother's chuckles as she closed her eyes and enjoyed every last bite, licking the melted chocolate smears off her fingers.

A sudden cheer arose from the crowd. The mass surged forward, carrying Malkin and Crysi along with it. Shouts could be heard near the front as the guards showed their swords, attempting to deter anyone from crossing into the parade's path. The siblings grabbed hands, furiously trying not to be separated in the fray. Streamers and whistles reverberated through the crowd, announcing the arrival of the king and queen of the realm.


Gasping in the stifling heat of both the writhing mass and the season's wind, Crystalia pressed on, leaving her brother's grip. She found a good spot by a tall man in a heavy cloak. Nodding hello to him, she eagerly searched the parade route for some indication of the Royal Family's whereabouts. The man looked down at her briefly, then returned his attention to the parade. A cool breeze began to blow and Crystalia shivered as it cooled the sweat on the back of her neck.

The crowd surged forward suddenly and Crysi caught a glint of sunlight on a crown. She felt an electric excitement surge through her, and she tried to find the king's face.


Heronius glanced here and there through the crowd, a genuine smile on his lips as he waved from the carriage. He had always loved putting on a parade for the people, no matter what his advisors told him. There hadn't been an accident for centuries; the White Realm prided itself on the high standards set for its soldiers. Only the most intelligent and skilled could become Royal Guards, and half of those accompanied the Royal Family during the Parade.

The king looked over at his wife and children. Queen Agrytta was fanning herself; she was not fond of the heat. Prince Tenik also remained reserved. Against his father's orders, he had brought some book with him and was intently focusing on each page. Only Princess Vyselle, the king's pride and joy, seemed to be reveling in the celebration. She took every advantage of the large, open windows, waving regally at those who would someday be her own loyal subjects.

Heronius turned back to the crowd. He liked to make eye contact with as many people as he could, to make them feel that they truly mattered. Each single mother, each young man, each tiny child --


An explosion slammed the carriage over. The crowd silenced. For a moment, the world stood still. Finally, in one breath, it shattered into chaos. Nearby guards ran to help the Royal Family. A crown lay nearby, ejected from the carriage. The people screamed, frantically pushing others out of the way so they could save themselves. Other guards further away changed form, trying to control the stampede.
Last edited by Crysi on Sat Sep 30, 2006 6:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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This rocks, Crysi. I think last time I read it (the old version ...) I loved it too. So not much has changed. I'm just going to give some comments (some of them might be very random).

She could smell the newly shined armor


Smell? Do they clean it with something special? Because I wasn't of the knowledge that armour smelled especially in any way. Just wondering. That bit kind of confused me.

“..and they say that’s why he was so much more insistent upon having the Parade. Every age he pushes it further, and one of these days something’s bound to go wrong.”

Another guard spoke up. “The wars are coming too close to the Realm to be sure about our safety. There’s always a chance that one of these days a mercenary will sneak in. They would only need a moment...” She heard him sigh deeply. “They could slip by masses of commoners with no problem. We can’t cover every part of the Realm, no matter how strategically the King deploys us -”


I like this passage - it reveals a lot at once. There's a lot of information contracted into this dialogue. I kind of assumed that the guards she can hear talking must either be (a) high up or (b) part of a royal sort of guard, since they talk quite well. That's a judgement though. I don't know anything about your world so I'm just telling how I felt when I read it. Other information I can pick up on - the guards are stretched defending the realm; they have enemies; someone has a reason to want to sneak in; the ordinary people are worried. I really liked who you did this Dialogue is usually the best way to reveal information critical to the story. Also, it had me questioning, too. Always a good thing.

The first soldier interrupted. “We have to take things one day at a time. Concentrate on the Royal Parade for today. We'll worry about the rest tomorrow.”
So that’s it! Crystalia thought. The Royal Parade is today! She longed to see it once again. Memories from three ages ago streamed into her mind. She could taste the rare sweet treats, hear the crowd cheering for the entertainers, and feel the sense of awe in the air as the King and Queen paraded a mere half-dragonlength away.


So "age" is a measure of time? Cool. Wasn't quite sure from that other part I quoted. I like that you've constructed you're on time measurements, rather than be lazy and just go "it was summer" and it was "this year" as many fantasy writers tend to do (including me, heh).

ut after two bells had sounded, he began to worry. She wouldn’t be out for this long, even on a market day. Unbidden, his mind produced images of secluded shadows striking out with knives and rowdy soldiers grabbing the innocent girl. A familiar noise interrupted his dark thoughts. Crystalia opened the door, quickly slipped herself inside, then shut and locked it.

Malkin grabbed her by the shoulders and made her look at him. “Where have you been?” he demanded.

“I-I was looking for a free news flyer. You know how long it takes these days to find one. Everyone saves them to keep up with the battles.” Her silvery-blue eyes glistened.

“You couldn’t have been out past the ninth bell for that! Where else did you go?”


I really like the idea of bells to keep the time :) Reminds me of men of war back in the 18th/early 19th century, when they rang bells to indicate the time, because it was practically impossible to tell the time if you were moving across the world. So thos brought a reminiscent smile to my face almost. I'm really liking this world you've introduced so far. It seems very in-depth.

There's other things that have perked my interest, like the inspectors and such - I like how you mention them naturally. A mistake a lot of fantasy writers make is to invent something they love, and then they just talk about it for five paragraphs when it doesn't help the narrative at all.

I think the last section is probably my least favourite, just because I've seen and read so many passages similar to it - the idea of a "parade" with colour and such. So far I haven't seen anything to indicate this is special, so I'm not really sure why you cut the chapter where it is. For dramatic effect? A cliff-hanger? It seems kinda crude. I think the ending could be improved on in any rate. Maybe insert the start of Chapter 2 there. However, I don't know what's in that so I couldn't say.

Anyway, really good work :) I know I didn't say much but it was fun reading. Hope you post some more.
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I enjoyed reading this. :D I love how you gave the imagery for the celebration, it was almost as if I was there...amazing :) send me a PM for updates :D
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This is really well done. I liked the idea that gems are used as currency, at least thats the impression I got. I disagree with Firestarter though, in regards to the last paragraph, it's a very good ending. Not quite a cliff-hanger, but you get the feeling that something's going to happen and I think that something will be an assassination attempt.

Anywho, nicely done.
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malkin still annoys me.

eh.. is this the end of chapter one? I can't remember.. I could just check the copy you gave me ages ago.. but I have a feeling you've changed heaps since then.

I love everything but the dialogue. The guards don't sit quite right with me. One, "The wars are coming" doesn't sound like speech. Would you say that, or would you say "The wars're comin'". Excuse the poor representation.. I can't quite figure how to puncuitate that.. icky. (yes, I just had choclate, so you're in for it). Like.. represent lightly slurred words. I think I talked to you about this, so I think you know what I'm talking about. SO my questions: what was they guardseducation? It tells loads about teh state of things in the realm, how a certian class of people is treated. What class is usually guards? middle? criminals? Also, Crysi's reaction to the news didn't seem quite right.. too put-together for excitment.

Now. Malkin. I'm going to loan you my brother for a week, and you'll see why I don't find him entirely believable. And then you get to take my shifts at work, and a few others, and work with all the crazy guys, and you'll really see what I mean. He seems too soft. I think that's it, anyway (yes, I know, stop thinking, right?). How old is he again? no recuerdo.. :oops: I know he's old for his age, but.. yeah. I can talk to you about it, though.

I think that's all for now.. I can't wait to see what else you have! And yes, I did mean what I said in the nonexistant place I'll refrain from mentioning. But I'm going to pick at some of your dialogue with this one, ok? characters, not much else. sound good? good.
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*grins* Thanks guys! Yeah, I know I ended it in an odd place... It's not really the end of Chapter 1 yet. At least, I don't think it is. I was so excited about getting past my writer's block that I decided to post what I had.

Jack - Thanks! :) For the armor, I imagined them shining it with some... ah, I just had the word... hmm. Well, with a coating, obviously. And I assumed it would smell. Will do more research on this later. You're right about their rank, good job! Glad you like the world. I'm having a lot of fun creating it. I don't want to introduce too many new terms, because I don't want it to try too hard to be fantasy, you know? But I figured it could use different terms for years and currency and such. I'm still trying to decide whether I use summer and winter, etc.

Arvy - Yay! I'm working on descriptions, because that's my weakness... So I'm glad you liked it.

JigSaw - Thanks. I love how all of you are picking up on ideas I had for the story - it's really cool to look at my notes and have them coincide (or contrast sharply) with what people are getting from this.

Mesh - Yeah, I have changed it a lot. Everything past her return home is different. Took out a few characters, changed the situation, etc. People have mentioned the guards' diction as well, but as Jack said, they're somewhat of a high class. The White Realm is famous for its emphasis on learning and intelligence and such. The guards must be of a certain intelligence, and they are later trained for the physical role. You'll see that a little later on, although I suppose I could insert a line to allude to that. Yeah, I agree with your view of Malkin... But it's hard, because I have to walk a fine line when writing him. There's a reason he has to be soft, and yet his circumstances call for him to be somewhat callous... I don't know. I'll have to freewrite a bit and see if he'll give me any insight.

Again, thanks! I'll add more if I get a chance to write any more. I'm hoping these critiques will get me writing again, lol.
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Yes, well done and well written, intrigueing and I agree with Jig, I liked the ending too. If I am to critiscise anything I would the beginning, It was good but it wasnt excellent in my opinion, but I like action packed and very dark beginnings so its probably personal preference.
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I love the atmosphere you created in the parade, specially all the streamers and colours etc. I really thought Crystalia was the assassin at the start until I read further (you didn't say what her age was?), I don't know why but I also didn't like the character of her brother.

Now for the currency. Would Malkin get a small handful of treats for a gem or is the gem not worth a lot. Mybe you could include how much it is worth?




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:) Thanks! Doe, interesting idea you perceived in the beginning. Helps me shape the next part of the story. I'll try to add in Crystalia's age. It's taken me quite a while to decide on that factor, lol. If you had to guess, how old would you say she was? Also, I'm curious as to why you don't like Malkin. He's been criticized a lot, so I'll have to try to reshape him without losing a key factor of his personality.

As for the currency, the gem is to that world as the dollar is to America. There are different sizes and colors of gems to indicate different amounts. Again, I'll try to include more specifics. Thanks again for pointing these out! I really appreciate it.
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I love making up my own currencies.
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Okay, so I'm having difficulty deciding how I'm going to divide up the chapters. Originally, this was part of the first chapter, but now I think it might be too long to combine them both. So for now, I guess we'll call this...

Chapter 2

Crystalia watched it all with frightened eyes. Her vision focused on that one crown, dented and damaged. Comprehension had not yet fully hit, when the king's advisor looked straight into her eyes.

Strong arms grabbed her. She gave a cry of surprise, only to be calmed by her brother.

"Come, we need to leave," Malkin said quickly.

Crysi could see the fear in his eyes. She grabbed his hand and turned away from the scene, only to be met by the metal-clad figure of a soldier in the King's Guard.

"The king requests your presence in the castle," he said, taking a step forward with his spear ready. It was obviously not a question.


King Heronius groaned as the soldiers attempted to free him and his family from the carriage. One soldier changed into dragonform, using his strength to lift the carriage up enough for the family to crawl out.

Tenik cried out, unable to put any pressure on his arm. Agrytta rushed to his side, but he pushed her away. "It's broken, Mother," he said. "I don't need anyone prodding it to figure that out." He managed to climb out of the wreckage, but he immediately stooped down again, searching for his book.

"My hair!" Vyselle complained. "It took ages to braid it, and now look at it! And - OH! - where is my tiara?!"

"Now, now, Vyselle," her mother began, picking up the tiara and examining it, "calm yourself! We can get this fixed easily. Or you could simply order a new one. Or - "

"But that was my favorite one! If I find out who did this..."

"No need to worry about that, Princess Vyselle," the advisor said. His voice was smooth; he rarely spoke unless he had calculated the problem and the solution and was ready to address any question. "We believe we have identified the attackers, and they are being brought to the castle dungeons as we speak."

"Are you sure it was them?" King Heronius asked.

"The power surge came from that direction. Some of the patrolling guards pinpointed it to that spot. We can try them in a few days, if you feel up to it..."

"No! We try them today. Let them be scorched, if they are found guilty, they will die today, as well."

Taken aback by the king's sudden rage, Sijaeus remained silent. After a time, he said, "Very well, Your Majesty. We shall prepare the witnesses as soon as we return to the castle. Shall we leave now?"

The king kicked at an empty toy box in the street. "I suppose we have no choice; there's no parade to continue. We will leave when the guards have finished their rounds."

"Great, just great. How am I supposed to read this now?" Tenik asked, holding up a rather forlorn-looking book. He shook it, and the broken spine released a few pages.

"Who cares about a stupid fairy tale book, that tiara was one of a kind!" Vyselle tried in vain to shine one of the scratched jewels on it.

"For your information, this 'fairy tale' was one of a kind, too," Tenik retorted. "It just so happens that this was the journal of a secret-keeper. The first one written in modern Drykorian. Do you know how rare that is?"

"Again, who cares?"

"You should, seeing as how you're next in line for the throne. You're going to need to know history and such in order to rule. Don't expect me to be your advisor when you're Queen."

"That's right - I'm going to be Queen. So don't bother me with boring lectures and such. I'll decide for myself what I'll need to know. Besides, things change. History is dead."

Tenik shrugged and rolled his eyes. "Mother, may we go? I have to see if I can find any other secret-keepers' journals in the library."

"In a minute, dearest," Agrytta said, patting him on the arm. He winced, and she pulled back. "Forgive me, I had forgotten. We'll get that mended right away. Heronius?"

"Hmm?" The king looked up from his survey of the damage.

"Let's return home. I'd feel safer there, and perhaps it would calm the children."

He sighed. "Yes, yes, all right. Guards!"

At his signal, the Royal Guards gathered around the family, forming a protective barrier. A few dragon scouts flew overhead, making sure all was safe. They finished the route to the castle as quickly and cautiously as possible.


The guard pushed Crystalia and Malkin into the dungeon cell wordlessly, closing and locking the iron grate behind them. His steps echoed through the stone hallway, eventually fading into the walls. The orange flicker of a torch in the hall outside the cell was the only light available.

Crysi cried out, clinging to her brother. He paid no attention.

"Malkin, what's going on?"

He pushed past her hands and began pacing the far wall, running his fingers through his hair. Still, he gave no response.

The young girl sat down in a corner and drew her knees up. She closed her eyes, wishing for someone to help.


Having already heard the news, the castle guards quickly opened the doors for the king without hesitation. He had changed into his most impressive robes, usually reserved for negotiations with the black dragons, and he was now entering the judgment room.

As he settled into the rather uncomfortable High Chair, chills ran down his spine. This had always been one of his least favorite rooms, although he supposed it was fair punishment for his temper. But even the wood had a sense of foreboding in it. It was not as well-lit as some of the other rooms in the castle, and sharp angles jutted out everywhere. The king didn't know who felt more uncomfortable here - the one judging or those being judged. He nodded to one of the guards at the door, who motioned for three Royal Guards to come forward. They dutifully lined up on one side of the room. With another nod, the guard motioned again, and the two attackers were brought in, locked together with chains.

When Heronius saw the two accused, he almost called off the case entirely. They're only children!

"I think you will be able to sense why we captured them, Your Majesty," a voice said softly in his ear.

The king jumped, startled by the sudden presence of his advisor. "Yes, well, we'll see."

As usual, however, his advisor was correct. As the children approached the Chair and he focused on them, only one thought was present in his mind: Such power! He had never known anyone to have power levels that high. Even his guards looked apprehensive. These had to be the attackers.

Clearing his throat, Heronius began the customary gathering of information. "What are your names?"

"I am Malkin, and this is my sister Crystalia," the boy answered.

"You are in the presence of His Royal Majesty King Heronius of the White Realm. It is strongly suggested that you both bow before first speaking with him and address him with a respectful title," Sijaeus said, somewhat coldly. The king almost had to smile at the formality.

"...Your Majesty. I apologize." The boy and his sister bowed, head down, palms back, as was customary.

Well, at least they've been taught that much, the king thought. He waited for them to stand, then nodded. "Your ages?"

"I have had fifteen seasons, and my sister has had twelve, Your Majesty."

"Can she not speak for herself?"

"I can, Your Majesty," she squeaked.

Heronius was moved, but only slightly. "Who are your parents?"

The children looked nervous about this question. Finally, the boy spoke. "Our parents were Denikan and Jydara. They were killed in the Sindrykan attack three years ago."

King Heronius looked to his advisor to make sure everything was being recorded. Sijaeus pointed to Lorinus, the new court secretary, who was furiously scribbling with his quill, trying to keep up. Satisfied, the king straightened his robes and began the trial.

"Malkin and Crystalia, you are charged with attempting to murder at least one member of the Royal Family. The consequence for this action is death. How do you plead?"

The shock on their faces plainly gave their answer. All the same, Malkin replied, "Not guilty, Your Majesty!"

The king frowned. "Very well," he said. "Let the first witness come forward."

One of the guards complied. Swearing an oath of loyalty to the king and realm, he began his testimony. "Your Highness, I had been flying my patrol route when the surge hit the carriage. It was like a wave rippling through the air, starting from the area where we apprehended the suspects."

"But it could have been anyone!" Malkin protested. "Unless you saw one of us send the charge, you cannot possibly know the attacker. There was barely any breathing room - " He was cut off by the sudden presence of three guards surrounding him.

"I suggest you remain silent until it is your turn," Sijaeus responded coolly.

"Let the next witness come forward," Heronius commanded.

The second soldier took the first's place, gave the oath, and hesitated. "Well, Your Grace, I didn't actually see - "

"Just speak, or get out of my sight!"

Checked, the second soldier regained his composure. "I was on the border of the parade, ahead of the Royal Family. I heard the crash and turned around, and I could just feel the power surge. It seemed like it did come from that direction..." At the king's glare, he stepped away and the third soldier came forward.

The king smiled. "Ah, Rhynaedus. I am pleased you decided to give your testimony today!"

The soldier only smiled slightly before bowing. "I swear on pain of torture and death my everlasting allegiance to His Royal Highness The King and the White Realm." He stood again.

"Well, my faithful Captain of the Guard, let us hear what you witnessed."

"As you know, Sire, I had been guarding the side of the carriage. I was sensing in all directions as a precaution, and as we neared the spot where the carriage was attacked, I felt an immediate surge of power. As I attempted to put up a shield, I found myself looking into the eyes of this young girl. She seemed to be concentrating fiercely, and the power emanated from her direction. Unfortunately, the power blast was too much for my shield, and none of my fellow soldiers had even anticipated the attack.

"When I first volunteered to act as witness, I was skeptical that such a young child could do so much damage. However, being in her presence today, it seems plausible, though where she and her brother acquired such power, I can only guess. Whatever the case, I believe it is safe to say that these are your attackers. No one else in the crowd could even dream of sending off such waves." He stepped back into line.

King Heronius thought this over for a few moments before turning to the children. "Well, I suppose we must hear your sides as well."


Malkin looked at Crystalia, who only let out a slight whimper and clutched his arm tighter. He sent a silent prayer to the gods. We're facing the Captain of the Guard. How can we win? "Your Majesty," he began, clearing his throat, "my sister and I decided early this morning to attend the parade. We arrived shortly before the Royal Family reached that part of the parade route. She and I had separated; she wanted to see the Royal Family up close, whereas I was looking for a simple trinket to buy for her. When the carriage was attacked, I rushed over to her to make sure she was all right. That's when the guards took us."

The king only fixed his vision on Crystalia in response.

"It's your turn, Crys," Malkin whispered.

"Y-Your Majesty," she managed to squeak, "it is as my brother says. I only wanted to see you and your family up close, because we haven't attended the Royal Parade in years, and I remembered how beautiful you all looked..." Her voice finally gave out, and she attempted to choke back a sob.

"If I may say one more thing, Your Highness, my sister and I have dutifully followed in our parents' footsteps as loyal supporters of the king and the realm. We have been victims of this war; we would not attempt to attack the rulers who saved us! Show mercy, we beg of you." Malkin kneeled, as did his sister.

"Guards, take them to their cells. We shall discuss the final sentence here," came the only reply.


"Let them rot in those dungeons," Heronius said, rubbing his temples with his fingers. His mood worsened with every pulse of a growing headache.

"You do not believe their story?" Sijaeus asked. It was not that he sided with the children, the king knew; he had a way of presenting every possible angle of a problem so the correct answer would become clear.

"It seems plausible enough, and yet... No, scorch it, no! Nothing can explain their power ability. Not even they defended themselves on that point. Hang them or spear them if you do not want them in the dungeons."

The advisor remained silent for some time, working out the angles in his own mind. "Sire, perhaps they can be of some use to you," he said at last, forming an image with his hands.

"What?"

"If this is your verdict - "

"They are guilty, without a doubt!"

" - then allow me to propose an idea."

The king grumbled. "Go on, I'm listening."

"Obviously, you cannot simply chain them up, or they will either escape or take out their rage on some poor servant. Killing them would be difficult as well, as power tends to surge when one is fearful or threatened."

"And I suppose you have another solution?"

"Indeed I do, Your Majesty. Suppose you were to take them into your service."

At this, King Heronius sat up straight and slammed his fists down on the table in front of him. "Preposterous! I will not have traitors working close to my family on a daily basis!"

Sijaeus did not flinch. "Oh, believe me, Your Majesty, they will be kept under a watchful eye at all times. The boy, Malkin. Place him in one of your armies. Train him with the others. His power could prove very useful in the upcoming battles. Take the girl, Crystalia, and employ her as a simple servant. She need not see the Royal Family while she works. But she will be kept in castle walls, where spells and soldiers can prevent her from doing any harm. We will be able to keep a sharp eye on both this way, and perhaps we can learn a thing or two about them. After all, there must be some reason for their high power."

As much as he hated to admit it, Heronius knew his advisor was right once again. He was still uneasy about keeping the traitors around, but he knew he would never sleep at night if he put mere children to death without being positive of their guilt.

"Very well, then," he said, waving his hand. "They will sleep in the dungeons tonight, and first thing tomorrow we shall put them to work."
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Brief remarks here, because I've read it now a few times and always intended to critique. ^_^''

Malkin first, in both chapters -- He has to play the part of parent while young, a teenage brother? A strain there, doubtless...noted some in the first chapter, not shown so much, perhaps.

Crystalia sighed in relief and made her way back home, cautious that no one was following her. She took her time, not wanting to even consider what the reaction would be from her brother when she walked in the door.


Crys there expects a reaction, it seems. But Malkin seems terribly hesitant to react, or too weary to quite connect with his feelings... When it comes to it, he sighs and rubs his head?

So -
He avoided her tearful gaze for a moment, wishing once again he didn't have to play the parent. "Just don't do it again," he said at last, looking up at her.


His concern, worry seems entirely credible - even as it's even, withdrawn. He reacts not at all - that's what seems a bit off. Is he that withdrawn, dead-expressioned, slow not only to snap but even to smile?

Malkin stuttered. “Crys, do you know what would have happened if you had been caught? They would have brought you to the king and thrown you into the dungeon!” He sighed and rubbed his head.

“Malkin, I’m sorry...” she said meekly.


Flow more precisely if 'He sighed...' etc. came after Crysi's apology.

Like this?
He sighed and rubbed his head, avoiding her tearful gaze for a moment, wishing once again he didn't have to play the parent. "Just don't do it again," he said at last, looking up at her.


Malkin seems like an old soul, either inherently or by suffering - or both. The way he's introduced almost seems the tentative side of it, as if you're not quite certain how he'll show up on paper. The strength of the whole piece is Crys's voice - you seem perfectly natural writing from her perception - and as a character, at her age, she sees things and guides the reader through the tale.

Perhaps Malkin would appear less uncertain in the impression he gives the reader were we to only see him through Crys's eyes? A suggestion - perhaps. ^_^''

Second Chapter...

First impression - from Crysi's eyes - is an immediate reminder of the end of the last chapter, and a sharp image. ^_^


She grabbed his hand and turned away from the scene, only to be met by the metal-clad figure of a soldier in the King's Guard.
and...
She gave a cry of surprise, only to be calmed by her brother.


Sentence repetition in structure caught my eye there, noticeable in only to be twice in a short space.

Strong arms grabbed her. She gave a cry of surprise, only to be calmed by her brother.


For a moment I thought some guard had got her, then her brother was calming and they slipping off on their own way... ^_^'' Perhaps 'only to realise the hands were her brother's... or '-her brother's calm voice broke her alarm'. (Suggestions only for idea - don't, by any means, use the off-the-cuff things. !_!)

...to the cell, with Malkin and Crystalia - Malkin's distraction seems neither forced nor uncertain. He seems less tentatively portrayed; maybe for the time you've spent writing since the first chapter was rewritten. ^_^

Crysi cried out, clinging to her brother. He paid no attention.

"Malkin, what's going on?"

He pushed past her hands and began pacing the far wall, running his fingers through his hair. Still, he gave no response.


For clarity's sake, I'd switch the final two sentences -
Still, he gave no response. He pushed past her hands, began pacing the far wall, running his fingers through his hair.




...Pardon me for the incompleteness of the comments. !_!'' I'll reiterate Jack and Myth's thoughts: the start, following Crys and the parade was deft for its easy atmosphere, things taken for granted without being dropped in tons on the reader's head, and Crys's perception/POV. ^_^


...Image
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander




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Umm...I don't have too many suggestions. It is really good. Keep at it, old friend.
I am Sash Greenlea, Padawan Learner




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WW?! Where've you been??? *TACKLES* You totally just made my day by showing up! *dances*

I mean... totally not off-topic... Thanks. :)
Love and Light



Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor