Sheets of Cloud Juice Slide Over the Factory

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Sheets of Cloud Juice Slide Over the Factory

Umbrellas twirl beneath a darkened sky
Silver machines sing and whistle in time.
The wind blows harshly and the raindrops fly
The rhythmic slurs crooned like a nursery rhyme.
Water sings songs as it drifts by an ear
Iron, steel, copper, and aluminum.
The cloudburst falls as seconds pass like years
Shine dully as the newly vanished sun.
Each drop of liquid, unique, can't be cloned
The dissipating apparatus halts.
The metal pail calls each raindrop its own
The storm outside is found to be at fault.
The liquid sun shines brightly through the gloom
Metallic flowers crinkled in full bloom.
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Excellent, brilliant, awesome.

Take a conventional poetic form. Take a conventional subject. Come up with something unconventional.

Take limiting iambic pentameter. Take limiting rhyme structure. Surpass the limits.

Your meter was near perfect, and I would not go back and change it to make it perfect, except maybe line 2. I will have to come back to this and read it again and see if it stands to the test of time, but it is truly a great piece. Congratulations.




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You write so prettily. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes