Second Hand

I've found that the second hand fell from time
to the missing person
and that one girl remembering
everything
about him that made the world pause for
anything
that could make her breathing stop for
him; with the prayer that there'd be something left of
him when he came back to her (if he
came back to her)
with the rest of time
in his hands.

"he" "her" "he" "her". This is all very unclear. And I think you could fix the linebreaks a lot, to make it all more coherent and less...awkward. I'm sure there was a style you were going for, but it achieved only confusion. Otherwise, I enjoy the full-circle notion.

This was good, although I'm a little confused about 'he' and 'her'. Are you talking about people in particular, or everyone? I also didn't like the 'everything' and 'anything' being alone in their own line. You might also want to add some punctuation. Can't really find anything else to critique, so...

I agree with Gummy. It was a very good peice though. Write more. I want more

I disagree. I think it's perfect the way it is (although mabbe I'm just a lazy critiquer, LOL). The syncopated rhythm really got me, as did the vagueness. You can make of it what you will, you know? I have to say, I think this is one of my favourites on this site. It reads like music.

I'll admit, I did have to read this more than once.. and even then I'm not sure I fully understood it. I like bubble's point though; "you make of it what you will"

What I like about this is the rhythm. Again, quoting bubble, it does read like music, which is what I like to see in a poem. I can't say I'm always for rhyme, but I love poetry that has good rhythm.

Repeating what someone else said - I'm getting a habit of this, aren't I? - the 'anything' and 'everything' in their own line seemed a bit odd. It's not bad, but it makes the rhythm a bit odd. Just sounds weird..

I should also add.. I do like the constant references to time:

I've found that the second hand fell from time

about him that made the world pause for

that could make her breathing stop for

with the rest of time
in his hands.

Well done you! Especially for confusing me hehe.

To everyone: Everything you all have said is so incredibly true. I'm so thankful for your criticism. Originally, this was a song. I pulled it apart and put it back together (or at least tried to) with intentions of bringing the main idea to full surface. I apologize for my ambiguity, however, I've yet to find a clearer voice to work with. I am aware that this poem needs some work, but I'm also aware that occasionally you'll find a poem that's intended to be interpreted. I understand that I am by no means an E.E. Cummings (or anything along those lines, really), but for the benefit of the reader, I will try my hardest to clean this up in the most affective way possible:

I've found that the second hand fell from time
The narrator is expressing that the clock has ceased ticking, temporarily stopping "time"
to the missing person and that one girl remembering everything
The "missing person," being, a young man who has all of a sudden dissappeared, and "that one girl," being, assumingly his lover who, like most lovers is longing to see her missing love again and the longer he is not around, the closer she is brought to remembrance of "everything"
about him that made the world pause for anything
"She" has began reflecting on all of those moments the two of them shared that left her with the dreamlike feeling of a love so great that time itself could not dare take away. And as these moments come back to memory, she finds herself in an agonizing desperation in search of "anything"
that could make her breathing stop for
him;
All over again. “She” is longing for the those “breath taking” moments that seemed to temporarily stop “time,” and to know those moments again, “she” is willing to do anything “for him” to return
with the prayer that there'd be something left of
him when he came back to her
“She” is hoping that when he finally returns, he will be alright.
(if he
came back to her)
In the corner of “her” mind she’s not sure if he’ll even come back but is not willing to express it since she doesn’t want that to be the truth.

with the rest of time
in his hands.
Wrapping back around to the first line of the poem, “she” prays that when “he” returns, he will resume the time that had been put on pause for the duration of his absence. And all of the time she spent being paused in the world without him will come to end when he comes back and resumes time.

If that makes any sense (sorry about the repetition once I got to the end...I’m starting to realize how late it is and how tired I am and how I need to go to bed and how I have class in the morning).

I understand how one could be confused with this poem because the metaphors of “time” are actually kind of working against each other. Once again, I’m sorry it’s so confusing but I’m just not sure I can break it down anymore.

And a special note to bubblewrapped, thank you so much for understanding. I see you’ve quoted E.E. Cummings in your profile. He’s one of my favorite poets and an inspiration to me on the rare occasions I take a shot at poetry.

Thanks for your time.

~Chevy

Thank you, Chevy. =]