Eidolon Days

we lived in one of those unending days
when the air clings to salt-beaded skin
and even umbral night cannot cleave
us from the heat. lazy hours passed
like wishes on eyelashes, beautiful
to behold but so intangible –
and when we wearied of the sun
you threw up your umbrella
to cast us into man-made lethe.

forget the sun, you said.
for us, it will close its eyes.
(and it did)

and as you lounged in the soaking grass
with a skeleton of metal and cloth
held above like a saving grace,
I could only step out into the deluge
and let my footsteps wander the path
carved by raindrops, and wonder
why you would not dance.

Hmmm...

I don't think this is flowing right.

Poetry, even weird, fragmented poetry, usually has a lilt. So yes, you might have weird line breaks and everything, but the test of good poetry is that you can sway to it without having any music. It's just the music of your voice.

If I read this out loud, the line breaks don't make sense. Line breaks usually indicate a stop, so you would pause slightly before you say the next word. But why would you seperate these lines?

us from the heat. lazy hours passed
like wishes on eyelashes, beautiful

Writing's much too easy. Instead, say your poetry out loud and see how it sounds. If it doesn't have any lilt to it whatsoever, then fix it up. Work on the line breaks and clean up some of the words. It'll probably come out fine.

I agree with Snoink about the line breaks. Read it aloud, and when you come to a natural break, hit ENTER and start a new line. An even quicker way to do this is to find the action verbs or simple punctuation and try a break with those starting the line. This usually works- not always, but usually.

The content of the poem is actually very good, but readers shouldn't need to struggle to absorb it.

After the lines are fixed, the poem's message will come out full-force.

- David -

Thanks for the crit, guys! I see what you mean - I'll work on it and see if I can't fix this up a bit.

despite the critique on the line breaks i think it flowed beautifully otherwise.

i think the thing you have right is the second stanze which i like.