A Single Offense

This is a short essay I wrote a while back for a persuasion assignment. The subject matter may be a bit different than that of other essays you have read...
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“A Single Offense”

A typical public building stands at a typical public intersection. Inside, visitors see typical ballpoint pens, water fountains, and… single-ply bathroom tissue.

As one of those ordinary janitorial supplies, rolls upon rolls of this paper are found in every custodian’s closet in America. ‘It’s cheap,’ facilities managers proffer when asked why they deliberately purchase such an item.

While truth certainly lies in this argument, what sacrifices do the building managers make in customer satisfaction, just by attempting to save a small sum of money on bathroom tissue?

For every customer who uses single-ply while in a building, do any feel truly content with it? After all, does bathroom tissue actually serve a purpose if it disintegrates at a touch or a slight office breeze? Upon seeing the tissue in a retail store, offended customers may simply storm out, leaving that plasma television still for sale and the salesman without a commission. Perhaps employees, after using a better grade of bathroom tissue, could develop a new sense of goodwill and empathy for the customer or patron.

As a student and a human being for several years now, I have witnessed in educational institutions, firsthand, the dilemma of single-ply bathroom tissue. Scholars who felt compelled to use an appropriate amount of paper wielded entire rolls, culminating in a sodden mess. I feel this demonstrated inadequacy of single-ply bathroom tissue serves as ample evidence in my case.
While ecologists attempt incessantly to persuade the populace in the virtues of fewer plies, research and experience indicate that there is no substantive evidence to support this theory.

In a recent exit poll conducted at a local high school, responders unanimously agreed on the most terrible nature of single-ply bathroom tissue and feel that Congress should address this quality of life tissue.

We must prevent the industry of paper manufacturers from selling this deplorable creation. Our children should not be subjected to the cruelty of a one-ply world!

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I bet you didn't know I cared so much about toilet paper, did you? : )

Very very true. You also may want to point out that double-ply paper can be septic safe, since that's their worry, most of the time.

And toilet paper makes the world go round. If you did't care about it, I would be very very worried.

Hadn't thought of that. Good point, Snoink.

I once heard of a man who regularly purchased double or triple ply toilet paper, then pulled apart the layers so he had lots and lots of single-ply...

That made me laugh. A good essay--I'm just wondering what your teacher thought of it.

Thank you. Actually, I don't know what my teacher thought of it. I know she loved the idea of it, but we turned it in on the last day of school, so I haven't found out yet.

Ha, that was pretty good. I've never really seen a persuasive article that short though. Good job on using the word 'bathroom tissue' instead of toilet paper. Much more...civilized.

322 words. Quite short. I hadn't any more to say. Or at that point, I thought I hadn't.

Our assignment was to write a persuasive essay, at least 300 words (at that time, considered a large number by my class). I could find no serious topic I really wished to discuss. So I went a different route. This particular topic was suggested by my mother, who had heard me rant once (or twice) about the evils of single-ply. I decided to take on the added challenge of hinting at humour without sinking to the obvious bathroom humour that would follow, choosing my words carefully. It helped that I was particularly grouchy at this time, and when I get grouchy, I'm very sarcastic.