Intoxicated

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Gender Male
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Let it drown away the pain
Nothing can harm me from behind this wall
This invisible barrier
Them foes strike feebly at it
b-b-but it cannot touch me

My eyes won’t close
Mirage dances across my sightline
Like underwater
I can’t breathe
Can’t swallow

The tremors run along my limbs
Racking my body,
drenching it in a cold sweat.
It Screams for relief
MORE MEDICINE!
For that’s what it is-- medicine

Sweet amber liquid,
flow along my veins
and kiss better my hurt
Oh God
H-H-Help
Don’t let it get me God

There are things that… that… that
Creep along my skin
Too small for me to see,
But they bite hard and deep
Drawing unseen blood
pearly red, crystalline
and bright in the light

My eyes are swallowed by the dark iris
Dead eyes,
blank unseeing eyes
that swallow the light alive

I am dead
Let me die
I am already burning alive in this hell
God…
Where are You?
You gasp
Bliss
Last edited by Cameron on Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:22 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Gender Female
Points 39955
Reviews 1288
Overall, I liked this, but I think you should lose the ellipses and separate into stanzas.

Sweet amber liquid flow along my veins and kiss better my hurt


This line could flow better if you broke it up and used some puncuation. It's a little confusing as-is. I might write it like:

Sweet amber liquid,
Flow along my veins
And kiss away my hurt.

Other than those little things, great job!
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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