Albino

He removed his cap slowly and let the slightly yellowish hair fall over his eyes.
I half smiled, half-grimaced. A thin trickle of blood had snaked its way down the side of his head, a dark contrast to the extremely pale skin.
“Who did this?” I asked, extending a hand to lift some of the hair above the cut.
But he drew away before I could touch him.
“What does it matter?” he said angrily to the floor.
I sighed softly. In past four days I had grown accustomed to his outbreaks of temper and resentfulness, but right now it seemed stupid. I was trying to help him.
“What was it?” I asked, sitting down next to him.
He looked up at me, his red eyes gleaming slightly. “A knife.”
I thought back to the words I’d heard.

“Let’s see if the ghost’s blood is white too.”
“If indeed he bleeds!”

I shook my head, looking down at my hands. They were slightly tanned from my work in the sun, but against anyone else they’d look pale. I wondered if I stayed out of the sun long enough, and became as pale as him, they would treat me as badly as they treat him.
I heard fabric crumple as he sank lower in his seat. He looked up at the magnificent ceiling, at the angels and demons of long ago.
“Which would you be?” he whispered.
“What?” I asked, sinking lower so that I could see the church’s ceiling clearly.
“If they were to paint you on the ceiling of a church, would you have a halo or horns?”
I took my eyes off the ceiling and looked at him. His sharp features, his red lips and eyes, his pale skin. It was an interesting question, a surprising one.
“Neither,” I said finally, looking back up at the ceiling. “I wouldn’t be an angel or a demon. I’d just be a person, watching the scene unfold.”
There was silence for a while.
“Which would I be?”
The question hung in the air. I turned to look at him again, and his red eyes met mine.
“You,” I whispered, smiling slightly, “would have been an angel.”

- NOT PART OF THE STORY Now before you start lecturing me about the lack of information, this is only a single, tiny part of a story, and I couldn't put all the information in one little piece. I'm sure you can understand that.

No lecture on lack of info - it was a stark excerpt in itself. The action (for lack of more precise language - what was unfolding) drew me in.

My only crit. on the negative side was a bit of the...diction. At points it seemed to waver, imprecise or a bit wordy as if you didn't know what it was you were going for, or didn't revise briefly afterward.

I enjoyed the dialogue/character interaction. For all its brevity, it said more than paragraphs about the story and people.

He removed his cap slowly and let the slightly yellowish hair fall over his eyes.

Here, on precision - only a suggestion. "...slightly yellowish hair..." not only drags on somewhat, but what does it mean? Yellowish is already noncommittal - slightly repeats that. Is it pale flax? Bleached? Yellowed like parchment? Or just pale?

I like the impression of the albino - his description could be more pointed, I think; easily, you could do it. ^_^

“What does it matter?” he said angrily to the floor.

Dialogue description in this grates as it slows the pace and flow. 'What does it matter?" - it implies his shortness/anger. "What does it matter?" he said angrily.

“What was it?” I asked, sitting down next to him.

Rather than tell the action together with the dialogue tag, try it before. So - I sat beside him. "What was it?"

He looked up at me, his red eyes gleaming slightly. “A knife.”
I thought back to the words I’d heard.

Vivid impression. Red eyes though, or 'red-tinted' or something more stark?

I wondered if I stayed out of the sun long enough, and became as pale as him, they would treat me as badly as they treat him

Technically, it would be correct to say 'as pale as he'. As it's first person narrative you have the leeway to do it either way - whichever the character would use. But if it was unintentional, just a note.

He looked up at the magnificent ceiling, at the angels and demons of long ago.

The character's slumping, impression of his aspect - all keen, doesn't add anything unnecassary. But 'demons of long ago' strikes as terribly vague, trailing off rather than punctuating/describing. Perhaps if you want to impression of time try something more specific - ancient, fresco'ed, classical figures...something like that? Or if that's not the impression you intend either drop 'long ago' entirely; or substitute some other note.

“Which would you be?” he whispered.
“What?” I asked, sinking lower so that I could see the church’s ceiling clearly.
“If they were to paint you on the ceiling of a church, would you have a halo or horns?”
I took my eyes off the ceiling and looked at him. His sharp features, his red lips and eyes, his pale skin. It was an interesting question, a surprising one.
“Neither,” I said finally, looking back up at the ceiling. “I wouldn’t be an angel or a demon. I’d just be a person, watching the scene unfold.”
There was silence for a while.

Again, I love the dialogue. This is the strongest aspect of it all; the characters' interaction, speech is clear - and the theme/atmosphere comes through. ^_^ (Albinos don't usually have read lips...though I suppose it's as singular as other human characteristics. ^_^)

I turned to look at him again, and his red eyes met mine.

Red eyes seems to fit better in the sentence here than before. It still strikes me as odd - that might be me, though.

All in all, I enjoyed it. It was a good fragment; and I'm intrigued enough to read more. The interjection of the past ('ghosts bleed?') only made it more so in a way, eerie, melancholy and with a neat, quick pace here.

If I haven't been clear on anything, feel free to PM me - or ask here. ^_^

IMP

*waves* Hiya, Willow!

STUFF YOU DID WELL:

- You create a bit of strife for your character to go through without going overboard. The other characters are the ones concerned- but not him.

- You've got an amazing sense of how to create drama- as seen by the last sentence. Excellent job on that.

- The whole conversation at the end was also brilliant. That's a good question...definitely one to ask some of my characters. Hey, you helped me with my story, too!

STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- At the beginning- why is the boy taking off his hat? Describe your setting, since he obviously doesn't want to make it clear that he's been injured. This would also be helpful because we're not really sure of where they are, anyway, until the very end of the segment.

- Define 'pale'. I've got extremely pale skin- yet I'm not an albino. Pick a color to make a bit of a reference point. If I'm damask (white with a contrast of pink in the cheeks) and yet there's nothing wrong with me, then the albino boy is...[fill in the blank]

- 'Who did this?' is a bit of a cliched line. It's cool...but it's overused. Try to come up with a slightly more innovated, "What happened?" since that's usually what people first think of. I personally think it would be okay if you just left it, but in a great story an okay moment is going to stick out.

- You had a 'woe is me' slip up of 'what does it matter?'. This really isn't a bad line, it's just the fact that you had the character distraught and throwing a mild tantrum while he said it. A bit of a shrug, or a hidden glimmer of strife would be better here.

- We associate 'yellow' with blonde- and blonde's not really a normal color for an albino. White, though not as exciting, might work here just find. Or 'prematurely white', if you wanted to be specific.

- Another thing I just noticed- why does the narrating character seem to know who the mystical 'they' is and yet still asks about who injured the albino boy? ('If they would treat me as badly as they did him' was the line, I think.)

- Your characters are in thought-sync when the albino boy asks about the angels and demons. It seems sort of like a mistake- I'd bring attention to the fact that, 'Hey, he's thinking about the same thing I am! What a coincidence!'. Either that or overhaul that section to make the narrator's thoughts drift so that it doesn't seem planned.

I PMed you on this.

Thanks for the crit guys.

*waves back at Sam*

The guy was based on someone I had seen that day. I didn't get close enough to see if he had red eyes, but his skin was so white I was sure he was an albino (a cute one too). He also had reddish lips and yellow (though it was probably bleached) hair. I might have been wrong about the albino thing, becuase he was diffently white. Maybe he just used 100 spf or something.
I only realised afterwards how much it was like Da Vinci Code , I hadn't meant for it to be, but I guess the book had more of an influence of me than I'd thought. And if Misty was right and the italisized words are a quote, I must be losing it a bit.

But again, thanks for the crit, it's much appreciated!

Obviously much inspired by Mr. Dan Brown and his books. Anyway, well done and words very well chosen. Loved the little verse-a mind-blowing thought.