Jay (temporary title)

I started out writing this in the shade of a tree, but I became so inspired that I finished it in the tree rather than beneath it! This is the first poem I've ever posted, so here goes...

Perched high among the quivering leaves,
Shimmering designs your feathers weave.
Brilliant is your threatening call,
Piercing the silence and stunning us all.

You tease, you insult, you make it a game,
But to you others dare not to do the same.
Vivacious yet vicious you make yourself known,
During battle and frolic these traits are shown.

With your vibrance neither sapphires nor silver compete,
Your colorful qualities make you complete.
Obsidian talons so deadly and sleek,
Black eyes glisten as they search for what they seek.

Riding your zephyr to the heavens above,
Seeming as harmless and shy as a dove.
From wreckless to restrained your own thoughts disagree,
Rebel or loyalist, today which one will you be?

Honestly, was that as good as I'm hoping it is?

First impression:

I liked it. I felt like some of the rhyming was too forced, but to make up for it the imagery and vocabulary are much better than what I would expect from an 11 year old.

Okay, now a little more in depth:

The first two lines were great and caught my attention. The rhyming on them was nice, not forced at all.

The next two are okay, except that the "and stunning us all" part isn't interesting and it seems quite obvious that it was just thrown in there for the rhyming. You should work with the wording on these so that it still rhymes and you can drop the "and stunning us all" part. Add some more description to it if you have to to make it rhyme, but please don't make it sound that forced.

You tease, you insult, you make it a game,
But to you others dare not to do the same.

The second line is really forced, and the first one could use some more "show not tell."

Black eyes glisten as they search for what they seek.

This also seems like a forced rhyme because "for what they seek" adds absolutely nothing to the poem except for the fact that it rhymes with the previous line. When you say "they search," it is synonomous with "they seek" and therefore what comes across to me is "they seek for what they seek" which is redundant and boring.

Riding your zephyr to the heavens above,
Seeming as harmless and shy as a dove.

These lines flowed very nicely.

From wreckless to restrained your own thoughts disagree,
Rebel or loyalist, today which one will you be?

These lines were quite good. I would take out the "one" in the second line to make it flow better. It doesn't take away from the meaning at all.

Overall:

Nice job with description and some of the words you chose, but too many of the lines seem like you wrote them with the intention of making the poem rhyme at all costs, not with the intention of making them flow and describe the scene.

If you are going to revise this, I think you should try to focus more on content and not on rhyming. Rhyming should not be your first priority. The poem needs to flow and have more interesting imagery.

I'm being too hard on you, since after all you are only 11 and this is your first poem posted. For your age, this is poem is great. I have some of my old poems and stories that I wrote in elementary school, and they are painful to read. This wasn't painful, except a couple forced rhymes. Keep writing!

=D> \:D/

Are you seriously only 11?? Because this was better than some poems I've read written by 16-year-olds.

Usually I don't like rhyming poems, but your impressive vocabulary takes away the childness of the form. The rhyming adds a bit of playfulness to the piece, and your vocab gives a mature feeling to it, and in this piece those two traits play off each other just as you describe the traits of the jay.

I love the part "Vivacious but vicious." V words are awesome, and they go together quite nicely.

Mirage wrote:With your vibrance neither sapphires nor silver compete,
Your colorful qualities make you complete.
Obsidian talons so deadly and sleek,
Black eyes glisten as they search for what they seek.

I love your descriptions here! However, I'm not sure of the rhyming... The fact that all four lines end in a long e sound threw me off, since you didn't do that in the other stanzas. Still, I'm just being picky.

Riding your zephyr to the heavens above,
Seeming as harmless and shy as a dove.
From wreckless to restrained your own thoughts disagree,
Rebel or loyalist, today which one will you be?

I would take the "one" out of the last line. That way the beat remains fairly consistent.

Honestly, was that as good as I'm hoping it is?

Well, if you're hoping it's pretty good, I'd say you're right. Very impressive. If the rest of your work has this kind of quality, I have no doubts in my mind that you were born to write.

Thanks for the tips! I really appreciate the help and I will be sure to revise. I do agree with you on most of the things you said, and I do admit that I was really trying to make it rhyme most of the time. It took me almost 2 hours to write the whole thing, but thankfully you weren't asking me to take out chunks and entire stanzas! At least my time paid off... and yes Crysi, I am indeed 11 years old. Thanks for the compliments and constructive criticism equally, I will be sure to write and post some more soon! All reviews welcome!

Holy Shibboleth!

You're only 11 and you wrote this?!?! *said with seething admiration*

That's better than I write!

woo hoo for my fellow okie! i really, really, strongly dislike rhyming poems, but your diction and vocab in this were great. very nice imagery. everything i would complain about has already been taken care of. i can't wait to read it with some revision!

It was very prettily done!

Thank you all... but I do think it will be a while until I can revise it. I've sat down several times and stared at it, but nothing comes to mind. Something will come eventually though... AND I SHALL PREVAIL!!!!!!!!!!

- Mirage

Alright, all in all - great vocabulary, images, and a wonderful point. I loved it. Just some small tweaking needed.

Rebel or loyalist, today which one will you be?

For example, this line needs the most. It's the punchline. Get it through - make it direct, not awkward.

Well... if you need something to fix, maybe this line?

"But to you others dare not to do the same."

But seriously... this is good stuff. It has a bouncy way of describing and it's kind of fun.

That was absolutely horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't care what all of the other people think it was horrible. JK I loved it. Don't believe what I just said. I am sorry people for writing those really bad stories.