He Walked Among the Unspoiled Rushes

He Walked Among the Unspoiled Rushes

He walked among the unspoiled rushes
Which lined the shores of sparkling ponds,
A free soul, untouched by dirt-covered hands
And seen by few stark eyes:

The gleaming, dewy, will-o’-the-wisp
Of the gentle morning Cat’s Tail
—Bestowing the wind with a stream of cotton,
luminous, pure, the product of his mind.

He saw a world none other saw,
And he also was unseen;
Few could see his fall, suffer his dying breath—
But I—I felt it like a gale.

YAY! Awesome. Very nicely done. Imagery: A. Language: A+. Your use of language was incredible, and while it was complex, it flowed sweetly and deliriously.

I enjoyed reading this piece. Good job.

I enjoyed this - I almost shared feelings with the speaker...or the present speaker...or whatever.

But I—I felt it like a gale.

I loved this line. i suppose it's the olden feeling in the repetition of the "I"
The title, also, was well written.... Unspoiled rushes - that's so fresh and original.

Ooh, what a lovely piece. I had to read it twice to really get into it, but I loved the smooth, hazy feeling the poem gave overall. I liked the use of "dirt-covered", "luminous" and "dying breath." All those images seemed to add a freshness to the poem. Thanks for the read.

Hi ZanyPlebian,

I like the first strophe. My only quibble is that "free soul" is such a non-descriptive term, when compared to the rest of the piece. It doesn't really offer a look into whoever-he-is's personality, what he was like, etc.

The second strophe isn't grooving for me. It offers nothing that "unspoiled rushes" didn't already effect in my vision. I get the feeling from studying it that "he" is delusional or psychotic, creating a world in which he can live, all a "product of his mind" -- and also why he can't see others, why he is "untouched by dirt-covered hands." If so, is this a praise of insanity? Something, I think, is wrong in this analysis.

The final bit is perhaps the most troublesome. When you say, "And he also was unseen," I believe you to mean by everyone -- not "And he also was mostly unseen" --, but the next bit contradicts that with "Few could see his fall." So obviously he is seen by others. That's a structural problem you need to consider because it tangles the poem and confuses the reader. Finally, the last line,

Few could see his fall, suffer his dying breath—
But I—I felt it like a gale.

present a similar qualm in structure. In proper grammar, which for all intents I'm assuming you are using since the rest of the poem does, an em dash is used, by and large, in place a parenthetical remark or a conjunction (if there is only one). I should be able to remove that parenthetical remark and still have the sentence read as a normal sentence might, but let's take a look and see what happens when we remove it here: "Few could see his fall, suffer his dying breath I felt it like a gale." Perhaps instead of em dashes you meant a comma, using "But" as a regular conjunction and an em dash after "I" to signify a long pause, indicating the heaviness of the speech. Still, these are all trivial matters for you to consider in future revisions.

Overall, I wasn't necessarily floored with emotions. This didn't speak to me -- I didn't feel connected to the dying man --, and consequently I didn't feel for it.

Best,
Brad

Inca, you're overanalyzing a bit here. No wonder you don't feel floored by the emotion. You're reading with your head. (But I usually love your critiues. Just disagree on this one.)

One of the reasons this piece is great is because it uses a style which is not only not used, it is also forgotten by many young poets. The fact that you attempted to use it, and used it accurately and to the edification of your idea, is something to be commended. It is very Romantic in its voice and feel and even in its content.

Incandescence-
Part of the idea of this poem, especially the final stanza, is that it is inconsistent. The world, especially the world of the mind, is often very contradictory and things that seem one way one moment may be very different the next.

Brian

Ha, nicely done. Good imagery and stuff!

I also like the old-timey feel of the entire piece. Nicely done. ^_^

This conveys one of the best images of beauty and calmness I've read in a very long while. A very, very nice piece!

This has become one of my favorite poems on the site. I've read it again and again. The potency of it is captured in the final line. That final line is the essence of the poem, and without it, the rest of the poem would fall. That makes me appreciate it even more, the fact that the beauty of the poem is so fragile. The simile of structure is nice too, for the bottom line makes up the foundation, just like it would in a house. anyway, I could gush forever. Awesome work.

You paint a beautiful picture in this poem and the imagery is great. I can completely picture this scene. Great job! :thumb:

timjim77 wrote:This has become one of my favorite poems on the site. I've read it again and again. The potency of it is captured in the final line. That final line is the essence of the poem, and without it, the rest of the poem would fall. That makes me appreciate it even more, the fact that the beauty of the poem is so fragile. The simile of structure is nice too, for the bottom line makes up the foundation, just like it would in a house. anyway, I could gush forever. Awesome work.

Thank you. That really means a lot to me.

That was really good. No, seriously, that was amazing. Your rythm, and your choice of language just help the reader get into the feelings you try -or at least I think you try- to give away. The imagery is very rich, and it really leaves you reading it again and again, picturing the story behind it.

Great stuff.