My father's leave (revision)

Wow. I thought that was excellent. You got the emotions across perfectly, very eloquently. You wrote this in a very beautiful style, and I appreciate the work you obviously put into this.

Just one question. Is "to geth er" supposed to be that way or was that just a glich?


Either way, double thumbs up. Very cool.

This is an amazing poem. Just amazing. You used great figurative language with good precise rythm... my favorite stanza is the first:

I see you curling in the smoky aftertaste of your decisions,
flecks of flaws bleeding through the chain-mail heart you've brandished
so well

This is good stuff, you paint a great picture with your words, with the consonance and the metaphors and imagery. The only thing even remotely awkward about this work is the last stanza because it seems like you wrote in paragraphs instead of stanzas. *shrugs* I don't find much wrong with this work...so nice job!

This was beautiful. I loved all of this, and could relate almost painstakingly to the last stanza. It moved me a lot, I can feel the speaker's emotions as well as the mother's. The beginning of the poem was more symbolism, though, and it slowly lingered back into where you, as you tend to be, say what you have come to say.

I thought that was very good. You got your point across and did it in a very neat way. I congratulate you and think that was a wonderful poem. Great job. O:)

Wow...

I just realized how much I missed your poetry. XD

My favorite stanza was this:


In silence, you bite your nails and wait so pathetically; I used to think
you were stronger than this. I used to think nothing
could shake you. I feel your soft, warm breath on my neck
as you bury your tears in my shoulder. I used to think
you were invincible; I used to think you could make it stop.

The breaking up lines was perfect. The "I used to think" just hangs off the edge. If you read it together, then it makes sense and blends it together seamlessly, but if you read it line by line, digesting it all, then it brought quite a different image that is quite startling.

Anyway, awesome job.

i think this is a beautiful and moving poem. it's vivid and blunt, but with amazing word usage. it is something i can totally relate to, and i think you wrote an amazing poem about a very tough subject. fantastic.

i especially love thes lines-


I hear your movements slightly as you edge
closer to the window, mistaking every breeze for his footsteps.

Instead, you fell, and you fell small and human, and there was blood
but only blood. You are only human, and I hate you for that
more than you know.

Why haven't you learned
there's more to absence than an empty chair?

they held so much power and imagery, you said so much with very little.

I am in awe! Great poem !