After-School Sport

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After-School Sport

I pick up that orange ball in my hands
It's rough skin feels like alligator hide
I drop it with a push
And I let it bounce off the floor
It returns to my hands
I can feel the vibrations of it
Tingling my palms
From its reverbration off the gym floors
@(^_^)@
Got YWS?




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This wasn't too terribly remarkable to me. It seemed too typical, too "I'm a teenager in high school"-feeling to me.

"I pick up that orange ball in my hands"
"That" orange ball? Which one? This is too vague.

"I can feel the vibrations of it "
Try "I can feel its vibrations. "of it" always sounds bad to me.
"Literature is strewn with the wreckage of men who have minded beyond reason the opinions of others."
-Virginia Woolf




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Well. Hi. I like it.

The fact that you mentioned the "vibrations" you feel through the ball sort of demonstrates the energy of the poem, I think.

Also, good description:
It's rough skin feels like alligator hide.


8) -Dream Deep




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Yeah, I'm not too sure I liked it. It seemed too plain to me. If you really want to write a poem about sports, be more descriptive. You need to add to this. As ZanyPlebeian said, it had that "I'm a high-schooler" feeling, instead of a more mature feeling. Work on it. :-)

-*-*--Diana--*-*-
You say "crazy" like it's a bad thing...




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It doesn't sound finished to me. It just seemed to cut short, when there was so much more you could have said to make it better. I've nothing against short poems, but this one didn't really seem to have a purpose.
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<



Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
— Leonardo da Vinci