Pandoras soul, ch 1

"Yes, I told you, that’s the only dream I’ve ever had " Tadeo addressed his physiatrist with growing annoyance , the past seventy sessions proved fruitless and he didn’t see what good it would bring for her to know about his dream.

“So you're saying that’s the only dream you can ever remember having, you’ve never slept and dreamt something different?"
Her voice was truly beginning to annoy him now, her tone sounded like the feminine drone of a robot, relentlessly conforming facts and almost never changing.

“Yes, ok, that’s the only dream, people say night time is a time was you can go off, visit places you haven’t been, escape you’re life for a short break, but not me, ok, the only place I’ve been is that room".

The stretched chair Tadeo sat on was indeed comfortable, but having the woman sit directly above him like a doctor before performing surgery made him feel uneasy. His surroundings were a typical physiatrist’s room, the shelves rose high and were stacked full of books that were nothing other than space fillers, the chair he rested on was brown leather that shined slightly. The whole room was lit by the same glow of a dim library and it smelled like paper and stuffy fabric .The woman that loomed over him looked artificial, her face held the wanted elements of beauty such as the sticking in cheek bones, the ruler strait nose and the glossy lips but close up, the scars of surgery showed and it was clear how much she had gone through to appear slightly younger.

“Tell me the dream again" she said “tell me every detail, you should know every last detail if you dream it daily"

Tadeo struggled to his feet and stood on the thick dark red carpet, he didn’t need this now, he breathed heavily and his lanky frame shook with anger." Sit down “said the woman forcefully" I know this is a difficult subject but we half to try and understand, this could be the key to you’re insanity, you see when a constant emotion is felt as in you’re dream it can wear..."

“Shut up! You stupid woman, you don’t know what happens inside my head, you don’t hear the voices, you’re just doing this for your bloody over pay, your just like the rest!”

The woman seemed to be ignoring him, she had pressed a small brown alarm button on her desk and she now eyed the door waiting for the guards to come through and pin Tadeo down in order for his pills to be taken.

The tall boy followed her gaze, he stood starring at the door in a moment of awkward silence and then he understood what was about to happen. He leaped over the chair and thudded slightly on descent, he looked at the woman one more time who smiled a smile of mock, and then he burst out the door.

The cold air hit his face along with the smell of plastic and bleach, he took in the sight, white walls with white sealing and bright blue tiles formed a long hall way. To the left was a long corridor lit by bright lights that ended on a green fire escape door, to the right was …. Tadeo ran as fast as he could, because on the right five guards dressed in blue uniform galloped towards him.

As he ran the air rushed by him making his thick black hair flicker, his feet hit the tiles sending loud echoetic taps ring in his ears, he breathed in and out wildly as he willed his long legs to go faster but they didn’t, His heart punched the insides of his torso like the ground under a galloping horse .The metal green doors were not far now but neither were the shouts of the men.

"STOP!" the guards voice was deep and authorative, but Tadeo pushed on, this could be the day he breaths fresh air, It was at this thought did his legs truly work to there full limit, and as his speed was doubled, the taken aback gasps of the guards voiced.

The blood roared in his ears and several stitches gnawed at his insides-His heartbeat had escalated from pounding hooves to machine gun fire. Adrenaline sent a buzz through his body making his face burn with new found energy. The guards were still running but they were slowing down, and compared to Tadeo, they were buffaloes put against a stallion.

Tadeo could taste freedom, he could feel its uplifting surge make him suddenly satisfied with life, he eyed the fire escape bar which drew closer with each step, and then his hands wrapped around it and, seizing the happiest moment of his life, he pushed.

It was locked.

The feeling vanished , his legs drooped along with his heart, he fell to the floor , cursing himself for being so stupid, of course it was locked , if it was'nt escaped patience would be a daily issue. He sat and cried as eight strong arms pined him down, two to a limb. His back was pressed hard against the tiles making it hard to look up, but he did. He saw a doctor approach him with a grin and a syringe, " Did you think you could escape, you silly little boy”

Tadeo's face screwed up in anger, and after an attempt to struggle free from the guards grip failed, the only thing he could retaliate with was a liquid projectile, so he spat at the doctor. He missed miserably and before he could produce enough mucus for a second round, the syringe pierced through his neck, and his eyes were draped by darkness.


I don’t know if I should make this a short story, and could you help me with some ideas for the next part, I’m blank as the glimmering poo of a fat duck

And ordinary comments will be much valued

Well, it looks well written so far.

I liked the impression you gave me of the physiatrist, though I think that may be misspelled, but I don't know what the correct spelling would be. The plastic surgery and robot tones worked great in setting her up as a dislikeable small character.

You might want to rework the early portion a bit. My first impression of Tadeo was not a boy, but a young adult at least. That threw me for a loop when I first read it.

The rest sounded good until the end of the escape attempt. Where did the rope come from? Did the guards lasso him or something? Or is it more proverbial, meaning his asthma? I was confused when I first went over this. That, and the line "Gamun gasped for air, if you’re confused, suffers Tadeos from severe asthma" was a bit confusing in itself. Who or what is Gamun? The last part would sound better as "Tadeo suffers from severe asthma", if that isn't what you meant to type.

As to where to go from there, I'm not really sure. What would dictate that is just what it is he dreams every night. Maybe go into that next. Basically, what's in the room and what do the voices say? Is it a blank white room, a cell, a cozy bedroom he can't leave? Maybe the voices are saying he's destined for something, like roalty, or perhaps beconing him to come to someplace he is clueless of until a bit later in the story. After all, you did post this in Fantasy Fiction.

Well, I'm dry. Hope this helps and best of like to ya. Keep writing!

I was very intrigued by the title - it struck me right off. ^_^ Then the opening line couldn't help but prompt to ask...what dream? Why only one? What's up?

---Couple quick notes here on punctuation and form.---

--Make certain you put punctuation marks in your dialogue.

Example:

blob wrote:“So you're saying that’s the only dream you can ever remember having, you’ve never slept and dreamt something different"
Her voice was truly beginning to annoy him now, her tone sounded like the feminine drone of a robot, relentlessly conforming facts and almost never changing.

...If it is a direct question, you need a question mark after different. If not (and if you intend it deadpan) it still needs full stop/period.

---Next, I like your description. You have a knack for sentences and observations that characterize a person or a moment very vividly or starkly.

The stretched chair Tadeo sat on was indeed comfortable, but having the woman sit directly above him like a doctor would sit before performing surgery made him feel uneasy.

Good image, comparison. I know exactly how Tadeo feels. But drop the would sit - it's redundant and slows the entire pace.

His surroundings were a typical physiatrists room, the shelves rose high and were stacked full of books that were nothing other than space fillers, the chair he rested on was a brown leather that shined slightly, the whole room was lit by the same glow of a dim library and it smelled like paper and stuffy fabric .The woman that loomed over him looked artificial, her face held the wanted elements of beauty such as the sticking in cheek bones, the ruler strait nose and the glossy lips but close up, the scars of surgery showed and it was clear how much he went through to appear slightly younger*.

---Here though, you need to break the first sentence into many - or put semi-colons instead of commas.

*how much she had gone through. (Keep the tense consistent.)

---Here - punctuate again; and you're rather than your.

“Shut up! you stupid woman, you don’t know what happens inside my head, you don’t hear the voices, you’re just doing this for your bloody over pay, your just like the rest!”

I won't go all the way through all the punctuation. Just make sure when proofreading your own writing that you catch the run-ons. You're dropping commas in. But you're letting sentences go wild without any stop. Use semi-colons if you want it to go on (semi-colon works as a longer pause between thoughts - instead of a stop).

The tall boy followed her gaze, he stood starring at the door in a moment of awkward silence and then he understood what was about to happen. He leaped over the chair and thudded slightly on descent, he looked at the woman one more time who smiled a smile of mock, and then he burst out the door.

--You see? First comma could much more usefully be a full stop.

Then, for clarity's sake, when the woman smiles, break it up. Try this - He leaped over the chair and thudded on descent; he looked one more time at the woman - she smiled mockingly - and then he burst out the door.

---You completely lost me here. Is this an inserted author's note?

Gamun gasped for air, if you’re confused, suffers Tadeos from severe asthma.

But moving along...

I liked the story. You have a gift for suspense there at the end (though still a few stitches in punctuation). I'm still curious about the dream, and wondering over the allusion to Pandora. But it seemed somewhat rushed once Tadeo ran. Perhaps a bit more explanation, or thoughts from Tadeo over past things would give more background, and more balance to the pace. Though that would be up to you.

There's enough hinted at and implied here that it seems you might take it any number of ways. It would make a neat short story.

(Check Snoink's tips on dialogue if you want to go over how to punctuate - might help. They're a sticky thread, in writing tips.)

Cheers for the reviews poor imp and roaming shadow, it really made my day. If youve got annything you want reviewed just pm the blob.