Revised Once more: Shadow

There is a place. In this place a battle for supremacy between Man and Monster goes on unnoticed, unabated.

Darkness crawled over the twinkling city, overcast by a turbulent mass of clouds. Shadow looked up; it was a good night for killing he thought. Lightning flickered above, revealing him as he stood atop a ramshackle building, peering down. The heady smell of fear wafted up, exciting him, making him drool. The source of his excitement walked on, oblivious. Shifting silently, he began to stalk the child.

The child's heartbeat increased frantically, making him smile. The boy was now aware of him. As if acknowledging this the little boy looked around fearfully. He watched intently as the boy approached a crossroads in the dark, twisted maze of alleys that he had entered and gotten lost in.

He chuckled softly, tensed and prepared to spring.

A moment passed, then another, before he launched into the air.

He arced gracefully over the gap between the two buildings, tucking into a smooth somersault. He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child. He could have ended it there… but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting. He wanted to play a game. Turning his head he hissed, “Run.”

He watched as the child turned and ran. He grinned and licked his lips with pleasure, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him. "I'm going to kill you" he whispered.

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenaline pumped through him. The graffiti covered walls blurred as he sped after his quarry. The hunger in his stomach and the bloodlust overriding his senses spurred him on, eating the distance between him and the child until he was close enough to see each strand of blonde hair, smell the sweat drenching it, and hear the frenetic tattoo beat out by the boy’s heart.

The boy turned his head back and his pupils dilated in fear at what he saw. In that moment Shadow saw himself reflected there; a forked tongue slithered out of a face hidden within a wild, tangled mane of darkness that snaked down out of sight. A monstrous, muscled form covered by a shredded cloak that rippled like a sinuous snake pounded forth; intent on death. The sight shocked him to a standstill. The boy, seeing the creature drop back a little, put on a fresh burst of speed: whimpering with fear and hope.

The whimper penetrated Shadow, making him shiver as it reached the most primal part of him. With a fresh roar he lunged back into motion.

At times his form would blend and meld into darkness; a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child. He was so filled with a lust for blood that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

******
Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he leapt forward, expecting to rip into tender flesh—only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air. Scrambling upright he looked around in confusion. The boy was gone. His scent was still there, tantalizingly sweet, but the child himself had vanished. Senses straining, he sought all about him for any sign that the boy had been there, all to no avail.

Gritting his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to locate the vanishing point. Following the trail, he was led back to the crossroads before the scent died. A whispering breeze swept through the alley and it was then that Shadow felt the first touches of an unfamiliar emotion: fear.

Chapter 2

He stood, silent and still, letting the night wash over him; concealing, caressing him with its velvety darkness. He didn’t like how things were turning out, the whole scene stank of wrong and what should have been easy quarry had become elusive prey. He was about to turn and walk away, when the sounds of several guns being cocked sliced through the night, stilling him instantly. From those sounds alone, he was able to determine, that he was well and truly surrounded.

He’d been fooled; led around on a merry little dance and now he was trapped.

He’d seen a seemingly helpless child and had pounced, without thought, without questioning. He’d abandoned reason, the logic that set him above the common animal, the very thing that had allowed him to survive so long…It was then that Shadow felt rage, an uncompromising anger that possessed his being. As he prepared to attack, suspicion wormed its way into his mind…and as it did he noticed something- the silence. It was not one of anticipation, or triumph; it was a silence that spoke of hesitation, indecision and fear. It confirmed his suspicion; they couldn’t see him. As if hearing his unspoken thoughts, someone spoke in a nervous voice, “Please confirm if you have visual”

A chorus of, “That’s a negative” followed, bringing a smile to the creature’s lips. As he stood there, an idea slowly took shape in his canny mind, it would be costly but it would work. He went down to the floor, bunched the muscles in his legs, and then sprung himself into the air. The response was immediate; rapid bursts of gunfire from all four sides, shattering the night silence. Several bullets slammed into him in mid-air, spinning him about, stealing the impetus from his lunge causing him to slam into the ground gracelessly.

Silence reigned.

Then shouts and cheers of triumph resounded. Moments passed. Then they rushed out gleefully, only to be dismay when they found not a body, but a trail of blood leading into the darkness. Seeing this, the confidence returned to their faces, they reloaded their weapons and strode forward.

Watching from the darkness, Shadow smiled.



I need help fixing this, If you have any thoughts please post them.The last part needs some massive redoing, it will, infact be entirely different from the version I wrote before. I'm posting in installments so its easier to critique. All comments welcomed and appreciated.

Show and Tell. Writers often have trouble knowing when to do which, and all writers sometimes slip. But as a rule, it is usually better to show than to tell. You have some great imagery in here, and some great language, but you do have a tendency to tell the reafder what is happening. E.g.:

"He saw, with the keenest of eyes, that the boy was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that he had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast and gorge on the blood of a little boy."

We have a couple of examples here. The first is "with the keenest of eyes". Besides the awkward construction of a solitary comparitive (better as 'with keen eyes'), the phrase is not necessary. If he can see well, we can assume he has good eyesight. Also, watch the placment of your phrases and clauses. The "with the keenest of eyes" disrupted the flow of the sentence, separating the verb from its object. (Side note: remove the 'that' from "that the boy was approaching...".)

Now let us move on to the second half of the sentence. Here we have a long series of clauses. Length is not necessarily bad, but here it is awkward for several reasons. The mood you are trying to set is a tense one. Short simple sentences work better for this atmosphere. "the boy was approaching a crossroads in the dark". You already told us it was dark, so the reader is picturing that in his head. You can also remove both the words 'that' and 'was' from your sentence.

Then "twisted warren of alleys that he had mistakenly entered and got lost in." Well, the obvious grammatical point is that you ended with a preposition. We do it all the time, no big deal, and sometimes even preferable. But here it is definitely awkward. You want to break up the independent clauses here. "Warren" is n unfamiliar word, and there are plenty of other words that will suffice. When a common word works, use it. But back to the showing and trelling. The use of the word 'mistakenly' is unnessecary. If he went into an alley and got lost, it was obvious a mistake.

"It was a fatal mistake." Obviously, you are teling, not showing. It is annoying for the reader to have you interject your knowledge of the future into the story. Now he knows someone is going to die. Awww. He might not even want to continue reading. Lose this sentence.

"With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast and gorge on the blood of a little boy." Hmm, is anyone born a killer? Now, that seems nitpicky, and of course it is, but you must be careful. When you make an analogy you must be sure the reader knows to what you are relating/referring. The entire opening clause of this sentence is a telling clause. What would a monster's body look like if he was confident? How would he walk? By showing that, you allow the reader to participate in the story. Then you refer to the knowledge of the monster. All suspense is lost at this point, because you tell us exactly what he is going to do, or at least intends to do. Now, if we saw a drooling monster walking over to a little boy, we would probably think he was hungry enough to east him. But by telling us that, you take away even the most obvious inference that the reader can make.

But, once again, your language is really great, and when you use imagery, it is very effective.

whoa, thanks a lot tim, such messages are exactly what I need.

I'll go about fixing it up once more.

Cheers,
~Jiggy

JigSaw, I was sad when I had no more to critique of this story, lol. If you don't mind, I'm just gonna pick out the rough spots and do the positive overview at the end - I gotta go to sleep!

The source of his excitement walked on, oblivious.

I'm not sure if you should change "excitement" to a synonym or not... You use "exciting" in the previous sentence, and repetition can either be a good thing or a bad thing. I'll leave it up to you.

He saw, with the keenest of eyes, that the boy was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that he had mistakenly entered and got lost in.

I got confused here, probably because it seems like you're describing two different actions - first the kid's approaching it, then he's lost in it. Try separating it into a few different sentences to break up all the action.

General note - you start a lot of sentences with "He." I know it's tough, but try to vary it a little more.

until he was close enough to see each strand of blonde hair, smell the sweat drenching it, and hear the frenetic tattoo beat out by the boy's heart.

I don't like using a pronoun in a chain of descriptions like that. Could you describe something else in the second part there? Maybe he could smell the sweat drenching the boy's clothes or something.

that rippled like a sinuous snake

While I love this simile, you use "snaked" in the previous sentence. Might want to change one of those so it doesn't look like you ran out of adjectives or adverbs or whatever.

At times his form would blend and meld into darkness; a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...

Just use a comma at the end of that.

He was so filled with a lust for blood that he didn't notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

This is telling more than it needs to. You might want to shorten it to something like "He was so filled with a lust for blood that he didn't notice the seemingly lost and terrified child was surprisingly purposeful in his movements..." Or maybe take it out altogether. I'm not sure yet.

Not sure you need the starred break, either.

Abruptly his hunger, desire for flesh, and hunting impulse faded and another arose...he shivered as his survival instinct kicked in.

Capitalize "He."

From those sounds alone, he was able to determine, that he was well and truly surrounded

You don't need the comma after determine, and I'm wondering if you could shorten it so it's not telling so much. Or maybe take it out altogether. You've already been given great advice on showing-not-telling, so make use of that. I won't lecture you here.

Thunder boomed. Lightening flickered.

And the world ended, THE END. Sorry, it's just waaay too dramatic and cliche and all that jazz.

I feel horrible for only giving you negative feedback here, and I promise I wrote a ton of good stuff on your paper, but I'm in sort of a hurry... Anyway, I LOVED this story! Shadow was well-developed in my opinion and I felt I was right there with him with every description. It was a very cool sensation. Just watch your comma placement and the whole "telling" thing and sentence structure and you'll be fine. This has a lot of potential, and I can't wait to see where you go with it.

Thanks a lot Crysi, I cant help but notice though, that a couple of the quotes you used had already been edited. I updated not long ago, lol.

Thanks for your comments,

~jiggy

Yeah, sorry about that. I thought about it while I was posting - "I wonder if he updated it..." - but by then it was really late and I figured it couldn't hurt. *salutes*

Thats okay, thanks for taking the time to review this. I'll revise chapter three then put in the next chapter. Coming soon!!

As per your request, JigSaw--will update as I write it.

There is a place. In this place horrors roam free, screams go unheard, and a battle for supremacy between Man and Monster goes on unnoticed, unabated.

Perhaps used once or twice, but still a nice way to start things off.

It was a perfect night for killing, sensed the creature.

Interesting. It sounds odd to me; it’s been bugging me all day, and I think I just figured it out. “It was a good night for killing,” almost sounds as if his senses are literally telling him that. Like they are speaking those words to his head. Perhaps if you added a more active verb to the mix, it would sounds less like a cognitive thought?

For example; “Shadow lifted his head and looked to the sky; it was a good night for killing.”

Lightening flickered above, revealing him, standing atop a ramshackle building; peering down.

Oops! Typo! “Lightening,” is the present tense of the infinitive verb, “to lighten.” You want “Lightning.”

You have some strange punctuation here, and I’m not positive when I tell you it’s wrong. I THINK you can remove the comma after “revealing him,” and change the semi-colon to a comma. With the punctuation rearranged as such, it flows a bit better. You ALSO have the option of removing that same comma and adding a word or two, making it read something like ”Lightning flickered above, revealing him AS HE stood atop a ramshackle building…”

The source of his excitement walked on, oblivious. Shifting silently, he began to stalk the child.

Hmm…it sounds odd to me to mention an object of excitement without first letting the reader that there is something to be excited about. Maybe you could mention the child first, and THEN tell of Shadow’s excitement. In my opinion, it would overall read better if you did.

I also noticed that “Shifting silently,” seemed rather, for lack of a more kind word, weak. If you described what he did to shift silently, like maybe shift his weight, shift his footing, shift his arms, roll his shoulders, etc, it would give the reader a better vision of how he is shifting.

The child's heartbeat increased frantically, making him smile.

Meh, this is definitely just a style crit, but I think this would sound better if you switched the order of the sentence; something along the lines of “Shadow smiled as he sensed (heard? Smelled? Felt?) the boy’s heartbeat increase frantically.” This way you get some sensory in there, and it leaves a door open if you wanted to describe, in another sentence, how he sensed the heartbeat and what it sounded/ felt/ tasted. Readers dig sensory details.

The boy was now aware of him. As if acknowledging this the little boy looked around fearfully.

I don’t particularly care for how you worded this; it sounds kind of weak, because it literally only tells you EXACTLY what is going on; maybe you could add something to spice it up. Maybe the boy does something so that Shadow knows he knows Shadow is there, or perhaps even you could even combine it with the next sentence somehow to give the sentence further meaning?

Also, you need a comma between “acknowledging this,” and “the little boy.”

Thanks a lot for these comments, keep em coming. All comments are helpful, but I'd like people to include in their posts, if its not too much to ask, wether they enjoed it or not. Because thats all that really matters. Grammar comes after that.

Afterall its the level to which a book is enjoyable that matters not the accuracy of your grammar. Your sentences could be perfect, but if the story's boring its not going to be published.

That being said, thanks alot Phoenix, Im looking at and fixing up the things you've been pointing out. Grammer is still important, obviously, so what you say is useful.

Im much obliged.

Okay Jiggy, you won the Misty Lottery. So I'm gonna give you one of my famous, 2 hour critiques. Enjoy!
(BTW: prepare for harshness!)

There is a place. In this place horrors roam free, screams go unheard, and a battle for supremacy between Man and Monster goes on unnoticed, unabated.

This was probably the most crap introduction I've ever seen. And also the best introduction I've ever seen. Isn't that just fun? Okay, so the first sentence of this was completely cliche and annoying. The next sentence, until "unheard" is completely over-used. It's been done, dude, you've got to do something else. Something new if you know what I mean. But after the comma, it's rather excellent. In fact, I would read this story just for that half a sentence. It's pretty cool how you capitalize Man and Monster lol...

Darkness crawled over the twinkling city, overcast by a turbulent mass of clouds. Shadow looked up; it was a good night for killing he thought. Lightning flickered above, revealing him as he stood atop a ramshackle building, peering down. The heady smell of fear wafted up, exciting him, making him drool. The source of his excitement walked on, oblivious. Shifting silently, he began to stalk the child.

Okay, I like the description in the first sentence. I don't like the name Shadow, but oh well. Instead of saying "Shadow looked up; it was a good night for killing he thought" say, "Shadow looked up. It is a good night for killing, he thought." Lightening flickered, did it? Well, that's not cliche or over used or anything...Ramshackle is a good word. Revealed him did it? Oy...Straight out of a crap horror flick...I like the "heady smell of fear wafter up" thing, that's pretty hot. Cool how you get us right in his mind, so we feel his emotions, his desires. Overall, great opening paragraph.

The child's heartbeat increased frantically, making him smile. The boy was now aware of him. As if acknowledging this the little boy looked around fearfully. He watched intently as the boy approached a crossroads in the dark, twisted maze of alleys that he had entered and got lost in. It was a mistake he would soon regret. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew the place in which he would feast and gorge on the blood of a little boy.

"Gotten lost in," not got lost in. Okay this was really really good, and then you totally killed it with the last sentence. I was gonna be like, "OMG DUDE this is AMAZING" and then I got to the last sentence and all of my energy was deflated. You popped my balloon. It's too stereotypical. It pisses me off. Because you ruined it. You practially ruined the last two paragraphs with that one sentence. And that bothers me, because the first two paragraphs up until that sentence were great.

He chuckled softly, tensed and prepared to spring.

hehe...creepy

A moment passed, then another, before he launched into the air.

He arced gracefully over the gap between the two buildings, tucking into a smooth somersault. He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child. He could have ended it there… but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting. He wanted to play a game. Turning his head he hissed, “Run.”

Perfect. Perfect. You almost redeem yourself for that hideous sentence in the previous paragraph. Almost. I'm not sold yet but this was beautifully graceful...I quite liked it. I liked it so much I'm gushing...And I very rarely gush. So good job.

He watched as the child turned and ran. He grinned and licked his lips with pleasure, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him. "Im going to kill you" he whispered to the night.

I'm, not Im. And did he whisper to the night, or to the child? Granted the child couldn't hear him fron that distance, but uh...well I dunno, "whispered to the night" doesn't sound quite right to me.

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenaline pumped through him. The graffiti covered walls blurred as he sped after his quarry. The hunger in his stomach and the bloodlust overriding his senses spurred him on, eating the distance between him and the child until he was close enough to see each strand of blonde hair, smell the sweat drenching it, and hear the frenetic tattoo beat out by the boy’s heart.

Oi vey....if that last paragraph was perfect, then this is pristine. I love you right now. This is so so so good. And I know that that's totally unhelpful since I'm supposed to be critiquing this, not gushing over it...but it's really good, man! I mean...dude...Lol. Sorry. Moving on with the critique.

The boy turned his head back, his pupil dilated in fear at what he saw and in that moment Shadow saw himself reflected there; a forked tongue slithered out of a face hidden within a wild, tangled mane of darkness that snaked down out of sight. A monstrous, muscled form covered by a shredded cloak that rippled like a sinuous snake pounded forth; intent on death. The sight shocked him to a standstill. The boy, seeing the creature drop back a little, put on a fresh burst of speed: whimpering with fear and hope.

The first sentence is too long, see if you can't break it into two sentences. Even so, it's good. "A monstrous, muscled form covered by a shredded cloak that rippled like a sinuous snake pounded forth, intent on death." <---Okay, that is good wordplay, but I think you go a bit overkill on the description, in fact I would prefer if it were two sentences with the description and the action seperate.

The whimper penetrated Shadow, making him shiver, and reaching the most primal part of him. With a fresh roar he lunged back into motion.

Okay, there's nothing wrong with this, per say. But I would change it to this: "The whimper penetrated Shadow, making him shiver. It reached the most primal part of him." You don't have to change it, it's good without the change, but that's what I'd do.

At times his form would blend and meld into darkness; a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child. He was so filled with a lust for blood that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

Hehe. It's a bit ... ominous. I like it.

Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he leapt forward, expecting to rip into tender flesh—only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air. Scrambling upright he looked around in confusion. The boy was gone. His scent was still there, tantalizingly sweet, but the child himself had vanished. Senses straining, he sought all about him for any sign that the boy had been there, all to no avail.

hehe...okay. Not exceptionally strong, but decent. More than decent. Can you tell that I like your story?

Gnashing his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to locate the vanishing point. Following the trail, he was led back to the crossroads before the scent died. A whispering breeze swept through the alley and it was then that Shadow felt the first touches of an unfamiliar emotion: fear.

Licking the air, was he? Well that's not animalistic, or anything...The word "gnashing" is totally crap. I would find a better verb. Other than that...Vair vair good beginning!

Chapter 2

He stood, silently letting the night wash over him, concealing and caressing him with its velvety darkness. Something was not right with this scene. He was about to turn and walk away, when the sounds of several guns being cocked sliced through the night, stilling him instantly. From those sounds alone, he was able to determine, that he was well and truly surrounded.

He’d been fooled, led around on a merry little dance and now he was trapped.

Lol! The night is caressing him? Now you're personifying an inatimate object...no, not even an object, a state of being. Not even that, a time of day! It annoys me when people personify things like Darkness or Stealth for no apparent reason. Not to mention "darkness" is such a completely cliche and overused...what is it? Adjetive or perhaps noun, as you appear to be using it, w/e the point it it's so overused it's annoying. But you use it welll. I just wouldn't risk it. Try to be original in your writing. Velvety is a vair vair good adjetive...dont say things "sliced through the night" that's annoying too. Think of a better way of putting it, something unique. The Merry Little Dance thingy is quite cute, I like it.

He’d seen a seemingly helpless child and had pounced, without thought, without questioning. He’d abandoned reason, the logic that set him above the common animal, the very thing that had allowed him to survive so long… It was then that Shadow felt rage, an uncompromising anger that would be sated in blood. As he prepared to attack, a niggling suspicion wormed its way into his mind and as it did he noticed something- the silence. It was not one of anticipation, or triumph—it was a silence that spoke of hesitation, indecision and fear. It confirmed his suspicion; they couldn’t see him. As if hearing his unspoken thoughts, someone spoke in a nervous voice, “Please confirm if you have visual”

"Sated in blood" sounds cool yes, but it's over used. Try to be unique whenever possible. Don't use the word "niggling" it sounds too kindergarten, and it takes away from the drama of this. Wormed is a vair good verb. Comma after mind. Good, aside from that.

A chorus of, “That’s a negative” followed, bringing a smile to the creature’s lips. As he stood there, an idea slowly took shape in his canny mind, it would be costly but it would work. He went down to the floor, bunched the muscles in his legs, and then sprung himself into the air. The response was immediate; rapid bursts of gunfire from all four sides, shattering the night silence. Several bullets slammed into him in mid-air, spinning him about, stealing the impetus from his lunge causing him to slam into the ground gracelessly.

*shrug* decent. Nothing to nitpick but nothing great either.

Thunder boomed. Lightening flickered.

AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! NO NO NONO NONONO!!!!!!! YOU CRAZY MAN! YOU CRAZY CRAZY MAN. YOU CRAZY INSANE NUTCASE OF A HUMAN BEING! DO NOT DO THIS! NEVER DO THIS! Oi vey....Cliche, cliche, cliche...I will leave it at that because my heart has acclerated to twice its normal rate due to panic and anger. Oh, and you're not really a nutcase, you just need a firmer grasp on what is cliche and what is not. And that's why I'm here. Aren't I sweet? *gives loveable, if slightly insane, smile*

Shouts and cheers of triumph resounded. Moments passed. Then they rushed out gleefully, only to be dismay when they found not a body, but a trail of blood leading into the darkness. Seeing this, the confidence returned to their faces, they reloaded their weapons and strode forward.

Watching from the darkness, Shadow smiled.

okeydokey crap way to end the session, but I guess you have to end somewhere.

In CONCLUSION (woo! forty-seven minutes later and I'm finally done. But then, I did take a break to eat lunch...so I guess you didn't get your full two hours worth of critique. Oh well, deal with it)

It was good. You are very ... whass the word? Agile when it comes to describing actions, above and beyond my level. (agile is not the word but it's what came to mind) You also got into the character's head, ergo, got the reader into the chracter's head, very well. Some instances of this were perfect, some were less than, but you are well on your way. However (lol, here comes the fun part) you used some sentiments that were far too cliche and overused, and they just don't work for you. Change them. Change them fast. They enanger me...heehee.

I like this. You can tell I like this. But if I hated it I would tell you, because I am sweet, kind and loveable like that *innocent smile*

Now, now that you love me, why don't you check out my story? (it is called Remy, it is in Other Fiction, and it focuses far more on character than action, although there is action.) If you do, you can make note of several things that may help you. And I'm not saying I'm an expert, and I am not conceited, but I have a feeling it could give you a bit of help.

1. Look at the characters, and their development.
2. Both of our stories (I believe) have a futuristic setting. It would be fun to compare/contrast.
3. You can see the difference in our personalities by the way our stories are formulated...

Anyway you don't have to look at it, but I think it would be rewarding (for you of course) if you did.

Okay, that's a lie. This is blatant and shameless plugging. Deal with it.

over and out

~Misty Lynn

(BTW) I like you. I like you and all I've read is your story. I can see you through it. And I really, really like you. Ergo, I like your story.

Hahahahaaha. Lmao. I was laughing throughout that critique. Seriously, you make me laugh and funnily enough, I find myself liking you too. Strange, but hey thats life.

Anyway, I want to protest, well explain:

Quote:
Thunder boomed. Lightening flickered.

I know this is as cliche as it gets and to be fair I actually did change it...on my own sheets, damn, I must have forgotten to change it on the site. So yeah I'll get round to that. There's a reason, some parts of a sentence or a paragraph are better then others. Its because, Ive constantly been adding things or changing things in the original version due to what a lot of people on this site tell me. So yeah, I dunno whats happenin there, I really should stick to my own writing. Anyways, Im going to put up the original version (as a poll) and see what people think in regards to which is better.

Thanks for taking the time to write the 47minute critique (dont think Ive let you off though--You owe me another hour and 13minutes!) 'tis much aprreciated.

Chapter 3

The soldiers stumbled about, having rapidly lost both the trail and their sense of direction while regaining a very sensible fear. They had lost the trail to the muck in mere moments, but had carried on, bolstered by a wave of confidence that had since melted into a mixture of confusion and fear.

The night cold descended slowly and soon they were shivering: afraid. The pregnant clouds finally birthed their load, pelting them with freezing, rock hard droplets of water. After trying, futilely, to see through the rain, the captain swore.

“It’s useless, we’re at this Thing’s mercy, waiting here like sitting ducks,” he yelled over the rain “So, Jim: I want you take Bobby and spread out further down. It could be anywhere, so be on your guard.”

The two soldiers in question glanced at each fearfully, before nodding curtly and trotting off down the alley. Watching them leave, the captain whispered quietly, “May God have mercy on their souls.”

“Do you really think they’ll find It, or be able to take It down if they do?

He turned to regard his Lieutenant with sorrowful eyes and then shook his head, “I sent them away so they’d have more of a chance for survival, not because I thought they had any chance of killing this thing.”

“So there’s no hope then? Are we to give up and let this thing keep on living?”

His Lieutenant’s voice was steady, with a hint of anger. The captain smiled sadly, “The only thing we had going for us in the first place, was the element of surprise”, he shouted back “And that has been well and truly lost. So we’ll do what we can and hope that in the process of failing we are killed.”

There was a fervent agreement in the Lieutenant’s voice as he answered, “Failing the Organization is bad enough,” he agreed “But living to tell the tale would be much worse.”

They chuckled grimly, before a scuttle, as in a claw scraping against stone, silenced them. They froze.

A shadow, dimly seen by squinting eyes, flitted by.
Icy fear crept up they’re backs, chilling them, whispering insidious things into doubting minds.

The seconds crept by, the fear intensified…and they waited. Shaking hands gripped slippery weapons, heads shook water out of their eyes, bodies tried to stop from fleeing into the night.

Then the moment passed.

Shoulders slumped, grips loosened, and shaky laughs slipped from their chattering mouths. Then a snarling form smashed through the rain, slamming into the captain and thumping him against the wall, which produced a satisfying crack. Spluttering bursts of gunfire, muffled by the downpour, crackled into the night. But it was too late; the senseless form slumped into mud, with a wet splat. The shadow was gone. The Lieutenant stared dully, at his captain and friend’s body, lying face down in puddle. He didn’t even feel the black nail pierce and slice across his throat, it was so sudden. He turned as he fell, trying in vain to see his killer. The last thing he saw was a crimson flood, flowing away from him.

A dark chuckle shivered through the night.

The soldiers stumbled about, having rapidly lost both the trail and their sense of direction while regaining a very sensible fear. They had lost the trail to the muck in mere moments, but had carried on, bolstered by a wave of confidence that had since melted into a mixture of confusion and fear.

Crapola. Complete crapola. You say "lost their trail" twice in two sentences, say "had" before carried on (insn't that plupluct tense or something?) etc. However the "melting" description is decent.

The night cold descended slowly and soon they were shivering: afraid. The pregnant clouds finally birthed their load, pelting them with freezing, rock hard droplets of water.

niiice

“Do you really think they’ll find It, or be able to take It down if they do?

I like how you refer to the dude as Thing or It. Quite nice, actually

There was a fervent agreement in the Lieutenant’s voice as he answered, “Failing the Organization is bad enough,” he agreed “But living to tell the tale would be much worse.”

Nice, subtle mention of this "organization." Quite nice,

Icy fear crept up they’re backs, chilling them, whispering insidious things into doubting minds.

This sounds wrong, somehow...though I can't quite put my finger on it.

Overall this bit was good, it added to the texture of your story, I like how you changed the point of view. It was short but sweet, and I just added another 20 minutes onto the critique time I owe you (yes, I AM counting that peanut-butter-sandwich I ate, and watching TV and chatting on MSN, but you get what you get)

Thanks again for looking at this and taking the time to critique it. Its much appreciated and always will be. The fourth chapter will soon follow.