Incubus

Please rip this apart, its spur of the moment type thing.

All I can feel is the cool sand between my toes and his hand on the small of my back. The camp fire glow is still behind us, I know that, I if they’ve noticed we have gone. No, probably not, they’re to drunk to notice anything.
The sea is cold but he is warm so I will hold him closer.
We’re wadding in the sea submerged up to our waste, the fire is reflecting of the glittery surface of the water.
He is leaning closer I can feel him breathing on my neck, he kisses my neck.
“You’re going to die tonight April,” He says to my open throat, “are you scared?”
The water is cold.
I can feel his tender lips moving towards my mouth. Kiss me before I die, I can’t stop thinking, kiss me before I die.
The cold water is over my face but his lips are on mine so I’m ok, he’s kissing me before I die.
“Are you ready to die?” he asks me.
All I can see is his eyes, so pure, so blue, never-ending eyes.
“Yes,” I reply but all there is now is air bubbles, water fills my mouth. I can’t see his eyes and the warmth of his body is gone.
He left me alone to die.
All I feel now is the water rushing past me, silver flashes of fish scales fly past me.
Everything has gone black and the fish are gone.

I think for as short as this is, it takes too long to get going. Its a nice concept and its interesting once it gets to the good stuff. And for a spurt of te moment type thing, its good. But the narative bothers me. Its like I'm reading someone's role playing post. The first person present is weird. Most first person stories are never as good as they would be in the third person. But that could be an opinion thing. (them pesky opinions! always getting in the way of good television!... wait, what?)

But again, for spurt of the moment, its decent, and could stand for further development.