Ring Lost on Road

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 91
Ring Lost on Road

I look out
and see it’s not dark yet;
the patched roads
shimmer
in falling drizzle afternoon.
A single piece
of silver falls from my hand
in slow-motion, repeating
in mind’s eye—a ring
I’ve had.

I was born
on that road
and I’ll die there,
too. As the memories
flood my mind,
I can’t even remember
why I came here
in the first place

All I heard
was the rolling
of the waves onto
the cold, white
beach
and a single car horn
whose sound blew
through the alleys.
"Literature is strewn with the wreckage of men who have minded beyond reason the opinions of others."
-Virginia Woolf




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 52
Intriguing. The stylized word flow is nice. I'm a big fan of the second stanza.
Beware of the scary banana fingers! For they are mushy, and yellow.

I will change my sig whenever another member asks me too. (please request publicly) Last change: Nov. 12 by: Griffinkeeper




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
I like the first stanza a lot. Why? Because you used assonance to your advantage. What is assonance? Basically, using similar vowel sounds. In particular, you used words like "shimmer" and "drizzle" and "silver"... the list goes on. It really works well.

The second stanza, for me anyway, seems to deteriorate the mood. In the first stanza, you set up a soft poem since you used a soft vowel sound, but in the second stanza you undo it and make it harsh. This particularly doesn't seem to fit:

I can’t even remember
why I came here
in the first place


It sounds much too harsh for the overall effect of the poem... or at least my interpretation of the poem anyway.

But no, really. It looks like you'll be a nice addition to YWS. You have a nice style with words. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
i agree with snoink, as i did not enjoy the second stanza as much as the other two. the first was absolutely beautiful. i love the image of rain on silver. the second one just lacked the pure beauty of the first. it wasn't bad, but it wasn't as striking. usually i'd just offer compliments if any other poet had scibbled this down, but i want you to be your best, zany. basically because your best is...amazing.
Carpe Diem.



oh to be a cat in a pile of towels
— ChesTacos