Choking on Steel Tires

A faceless mass
All embrossed and branded
With the emblem of your king
And the beat; the rhythm
Smacks and whacks its way around town
From the girl with her jump rope
To the drunken lisps
The wisps
Of the truth in their faceless faces
The drunken man retching in the gutter
Name unknown, but still he’ll mutter
Curses and the tit-tat-tutter
Of the passersby, adored
From the spires of the city
To alley cat, hissing and witty
All enchanted with titty
Bitty pieces of the heart
Piled and taken on a cart
To a land so far away
Drunken child; concrete sway
Concrete angel, concrete way
All the asphalt comes out to play
With the skyscrapers
And the gray vapors
From the smokestacks
Sticking out of the lips
That lisp
Their idea of the truth, the
Ruthlessness of life
And strife
And the knife,
That digs into their skin, their skin
Concrete to meet, and defeat
The faceless drunken faces


I NEED HELP

I turned off music to do this critique. Be honored.

First off, you may wanna use some line breaks here. I know, cause i've gotten that comment before. I even intentionally don't sometimes, but then I realize it always makes it better. In fact, I really like spaces, because you can say a lot with where you place emptiness. I forget who I'm paraphrasing ( ) which composer, who said "Rest are the most beautiful part of music." Maybe Mozart. But anyway, I agree. The reader needs to think about what you are writing. Don't smack him with everything at once.

"A faceless mass
All embrossed and branded
With the emblem of your king
And the beat; the rhythm
Smacks and whacks its way around town
From the girl with her jump rope
To the drunken lisps"

Brilliant. Onward.

"The wisps
Of the truth in their faceless faces"

Faceless faces sounds good, until you say it aloud, and it sounds funny. Avoid alliteration if you cannot keep it up consistently. (So says I, Knower of No Thing.)

"The drunken man retching in the gutter
Name unknown, but still he’ll mutter
Curses and the tit-tat-tutter
Of the passersby, adored
From the spires of the city"

There's some genius here. Watch the imagery. While retching may be a common occurence among drunks, it does taint the beauty a little. That may not matter, but if there is a better way of showing the idea of degraded humanity, then go for it. I love the line "of the passerby, adored". i love how the line breaks there. Excellent.

"To alley cat, hissing and witty
All enchanted with titty
Bitty pieces of the heart
Piled and taken on a cart
To a land so far away
Drunken child; concrete sway
Concrete angel, concrete way
All the asphalt comes out to play
With the skyscrapers
And the gray vapors"

I do not know what happened here. There was pure genius, and then this, not so pure genius. Titty? haha. Anyway, try to stick with the theme of your poem. This is a diversion, not a reinforcement. Words like "bitty" and phrases like "comes out to play" and "piled and taken on a cart" could be effective, if we are trying to give a child's perspective. But that hasn't been made clear. Instead of sounding like a child, it sounds childish. This part is really the only thing that needs reworking.

"From the smokestacks
Sticking out of the lips
That lisp
Their idea of the truth, the
Ruthlessness of life
And strife
And the knife,
That digs into their skin, their skin
Concrete to meet, and defeat
The faceless drunken faces"

Get rid of "And strife". But very good imagery. Smokestacks. The industry of the body. Excellent. The idea of this poem is still somewhat vague, mostly because of the section above.

Really nice work. And this is one of your "worse" poems. Amazing. PLEASE, keep writing.

very intresting i really like this bit To alley cat, hissing and witty
All enchanted with titty
Bitty pieces of the heart
Piled and taken on a cart
To a land so far away
Drunken child;
greattttttttttttttttt.

I loved this. I cant really critique it because...well...it just cant be critiqued, IMHO. I dont want to spoil it. The thing I liked best was the way it kind of ran on, giving images together and separate and...it was kind of like a verbal drug trip. Also, "faceless faces" and the smokestacks idea. Brilliant. Purely brilliant. One of my favourite poems on this site.