Julie

She asked once, "what is left if tomorrow is today?" "what is life if there's no change?" Well I just wanted to answer with something that would make her smile.. =P


If tomorrow is today then today I will kiss you.
I will hold you close so that tomorrow I will too.
If today was tomorrow then I’ll tell you that I love you.
I will miss you so I would kiss you and then hold you too.
In life if there’s no change I would still spend it with you.
I’ll then be sure I’ll always love you today and tomorrow too.
In life when there is change I like it best when it is with you.
Each new moment I’ll love you again and love you always, so true.

Word up, folksies, let's crit some poetry.

Right, first problem: it's not very poetical. There's a simple reason for this - every single one of your lines is a sentance, endstopped with a full-stop. One of the most important things about writing poetry is how you use meter and rhythm to your advantage, and this does neither; it would read *exactly* the same if it was just one long paragraph without the line-breaks, and that isn't poetry. It's prose, mocked up to look poetical.
This means, of course, that your meter and rhythm are all off: your first line has 12 syllables, your second has 13, your third has 15, your fourth has 14... do you see? It's all over the place, and that means that it grates and it awkward when it's read. You've got to sort poems out so that they roll off the tongue, one line fitting in seamlessly with the next: that requires constant attention to line length and punctuation.

Then there's your subject matter: we've heard it all before. What this is is a typical poem from a person infatuated with his girlfriend; that's fine if all you want to do is give it to her, but it makes it a lot less likely to be original. I've seen a million plus many poems that say exactly this, in near enough the same words: "kiss you", "hold you close", "spend it with you", "be sure I’ll always love", "I like it best when it is with you", "I’ll love you again and love you always, so true" ... come on! It reads like you've trawled through cheesy old love-songs and pulled out the most common lines to use; you can't get away with making a poem so cliche, so typical, and expect people to read it and consider it seriously.

I could pick out bits and pieces that were badly structured or worded, but I won't, because you need to seriously rethink how you write this kind of poem: above anything and everything, change the kind of language you use. These sentances and phrases have seen so much use that they barely mean anything anymore. Then, read some poetry and you'll get a better feeling of where you should stop lines at the end, and where you should let them run on - poetry isn't just sentances with breaks, it's so much more than that.
There are books and tutorials around about how to write poetry: learn the basics of rhythm and meter, then find something original to write about.

Hehe, I didn't really write this in a serious poetic manner. I just wanted to answer her with something that she would say, "aww, thats cute" or something since it's near v-day. But you are an awesome critic though! I would love for you to critique my other poem if you don't mind..I'm curious to see what you would say.. Fly Me To Polaris