un-named

here I am
standing at your doorstep
waiting for you
wishing that the rose in my hand hadn’t died
pedal by pedal
each one falls to the ground
as if it were a star in the sky

do you remember
when we were falling from the clouds
waiting to land on the green grass

I cant afford for you to leave me
I cant afford to lose my kiss
from the only girl I will ever miss

My sibling wrote this i thought it was good.

here I am
standing at your doorstep
waiting for you
wishing that the rose in my hand hadn’t died
pedal by pedal Uh...I think you mean 'petal by petal'
each one falls to the ground
as if it were a star in the sky I don't know if that makes much sense....

do you remember
when we were falling from the clouds
waiting to land on the green grass Is this a fantasy thing?

I cant afford for you to leave me
I cant afford to lose my kiss
from the only g.irl I will ever miss

Hmmm....I don't think having the last verse ryme is a very good idea. It sort of makes the rest of it sound long and dreary, and then this bit is faster....Anyway, good job, and with a bit of work, it would be good!

I will tell my sister. She is only 9.

thats some pretty good stuff for a 9 year old, tell her congradulations for me, were did she get the idea to write a story like this, its kinda depressing.

wow. this is fair work for a nine year old.
only adding to the critiques -
kiss
miss

---none of the other lines rhyme, so this sounds out-of-place.
VERY nice for nine. i mean, it's good for any age, but age does, in fact, contribute to some amount.

I disagree about the last two lines rhyming. I think it is good. Sometimes, I do that, too, and it seems to fit this poem. I think it makes the ending more powerful.

Yes, the "pedal by pedal" line probably should have been "petal by petal". Pedals are on bicycles; petals are on flowers.

Overall, I think this was a wonderful poem, but make sure you check it. I'm sure you saw the type-o in the last line. Definitely tell your sister to keep up the writing!

--Di


P.S. Boni_Bee--I think when she says "as if it were a star from the sky", she means something like a star falling from the sky, so yes, it does make sense.

I think this part is a little clichéd:

I cant afford for you to leave me
I cant afford to lose my kiss
from the only girl I will ever miss

Otherwise, I love the first stanza's imagery! It's so pretty, and so sad as well. Nice work.

I have to agree with Snoink the last stanza was a little cliched...
Verrrry Nice work for a Nine year old