Mine started when I was little. I was deathly afraid of vampires and that thing nobody knows what it is but call it the Bogey Man. Then came a fear of egyptian mummies and ghosts... And slowly, this fear evolved into a fear of rapists and certain fears that I as an individual would do something (that something is very personal) And so it grew, and grew, and grew...Until last summer it ended up commanding my life. I couldn't walk down the street or put on my shoes or take a shower without wondering if I was betraying everything I believe in. It was like a black hole from outer space had come and sucked all meaning out of everything I knew of. The monster in my brain told me I was a traitor to good and that I had been swayed into being evil. And it terrified me beyond description. I told my mom about this one afternoon, a day that I thought the world would end, but little did I know, the world would become brighter the instant I told. It was the biggest decision of my life, possibly. It felt like I was confessing to murder. Honestly, that's not a hyperbole. My deepest, darkest secret imaginable was put on the table. And this is what shocked me. She understood. She held me in her arms and told me it was alright. It was then that I realized: this isn't my fault. I am not guilty of anything that this tells me I am. I'm not guilty..I'm not guilty...I'm not guilty... These thoughts had commanded my life. I was a slave to fear...and all of a sudden, someone I trusted was telling me: you're not evil. You didn't do anything that those thoughts tell you you did. They are wrong. And I understand you. It was enormous, the relief, so sweet, the salvation... I can't describe it. It was wonderful. But the thoughts still told me: you're a traitor. You're evil. You've done the unthinkable. And you know what? I still felt the fear, the confusion, the pain, but I had a person who understood. A few dreadful, thought-filled weeks later, I started taking Luvox. That stuff has slowly worked wonders on my quality of life. I can sit and write about these intrusive thoughts without crying or shivering in fear and guilty misery. Because finding out it wasn't something I'd done has changed my life. Literally. I wouldn't tell many people this in person, but here I know it will help others who are going through the same thing I went through. Knowledge is power, they say, so that's why I've written this. No one deserves to suffer through the pain of intrusive thoughts for years like I did. I had few compulsions, but those that I did have were such meager ways to get relief....I can't describe it to you.
If this sounds anything like your experience, tell someone. I know that's the hardest thing in the world, but big decisions can have life-changing consequences. Positive consequences. You can do it. You can.
On a closing note: did you know? Charles Darwin and even Martin Luther King JR had intrusive thoughts that would today be recognized as OCD.
When Your Own Mind Turns On You: Intrusive Thoughts
4 posts in this topic.
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Thanks for posting this, Vox. It makes all of the difference that you have someone who understands and I'm glad you told someone so that those thoughts aren't as bad as they used to be. I completly agree; knowledge is power. Once I found out I had SA, I spent a few hours a day researching it online. It made me feel a lot better to know more about what I was battleing.
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Oh God, I know exactly how you feel. It's....awful, to say the least. Some of the things that come into my mind...I can't even describe how horrifying they can be.
And just like you, vox, I started out being frightened of the 'boogeyman' and other nonsense (which at the time was terrifying). Now that I'm older, it's exactly what you said: rapists and killers...other cruel things. But sometimes these thoughts make me wonder if I'm just like them. I can't begin to even try and explain some of the things that have shown up in my head....it makes me feel no better than those evil people you see on tv being sent to prison.
This has been going on my whole life, but they've only been getting worse over the years. When we moved, the intrusive thoughts made a huge leap from 'manageable' to 'maddening'. For these past three years, I've been hiding it from my parents, because they already worry so much about me.
After reading your post, though, I'm having second thoughts- but I just don't know if I can. How can I possibly tell my own mother about some of the things I've thought about doing to her? It's simply impossible and immoral.
I'm so happy for you that you were able to be brave enough to take that leap, but I don't think I could handle it.
And yeah, I just found that out about MLK today, actually. (Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!) That's so inspiring. -
I know near enough what you mean. I was never scared of monsters, but I've always been afraid that I'll do terrible, awful, unspeakable things. =/ A few days ago now my friend and I were talking on msn, he had been watching Criminal Minds, and he confused that he was scared he'd end up doing something horrible like the 'UnSubs' on the show do, and I told him I felt the same way. Then he said that he was probably safe because most of those guys seem to be narcissists anyway. It made both of us feel better.
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