Hey guys, I was hoping some of you would be willing to read this over and maybe give me some hints and tips/reviews? I really want to do you proud, and in order to do this, I want your opinions. Sparks said we could on the entry page so please review!!!
Everything is numb. I feel like I’m plugging my ears, and the only sound filtering through is the clock. I stand with the other tributes surrounding the giant metal cornucopia.
10… 9… 8…
Blood pounds through my veins, twisting and running throughout the complicated swirls of my body. The adrenaline rushes through me. It is a waterfall. It pounds on my brain a the clock ticks down even further.
3… 2… 1…
Everybody starts running towards the cornucopia. I’m stand a few feet off of my pedestal and I’m not quite sure how I got here. The other tributes are a blur of blacks and whites and browns, each of them with their own personal smear of color. I see five items easily accessible to me. A foot long length of rope, Ellie Goulding, a small Arabian lamp labeled “food”, a German Shepherd, and what I’m assuming is an invisibility cloak. Something tells me I have five seconds and five seconds alone to take something and run.
I watch a girl run at me. Suddenly I snap. Everything goes into focus and I seize the item closest to me. The rope. The girl has long blonde hair and I have a hard time remembering who she even is. I’m more focused on the fact that she has a knife and is running at me, her face frozen in a snarl while she lets out a battle cry.
I bend at the waist and ram my head into her stomach. It’s the first thing I can think of to do, and her soft stomach doesn’t hurt my head all that much. She scrapes a shallow cut in my lower back and it stings, but I’ll live. Blondie tumbles over my back and I fall on top of her, Pinning her in place with my knees and knocking the knife out of her hand.
I shove her over and onto her back looping the rope around her neck as she wiggles and struggles beneath me. I can feel the blank expression on my face while I pin her head down with my knee and yank the rope tighter around her neck. Her legs stop kicking but she twists her torso and reaches for the rope at her neck, gasping and clawing at her throat. I need this to go faster so I bang her head into the grass several times until she stops moving. I push her head further into the ground with my foot and with both hands yank the rope back with all of my might. I hear her neck snap.
My first kill seemed to take forever, but it really only happened within a minute and a half. Regardless, I’ve spent too much time killing her. As the cannon sounds several times, I take off into the woods. As I stumble through the trees, I realize what I’ve done. I’ve taken a life that wasn’t mine to take. I lean against a tree, gasping for breath. And my hands start to move.
My fingers weave and twist the rope automatically, like a switch has been thrown to keep me sane. As I concentrate on my fingers, I walk slowly throughout the woods trying to find a good place to rest. I look up momentarily and watch another tribute with the dog. The tribute has a firm grip on its leash and without looking my way, hurries in the other direction. It’s then that I’m glad I chose the rope.
Worse case scenarios, I use the rope to kill. If the dog attacks me, he’ll just get a brand new chew toy. I know this small length of rope is not all it seems and that’s an advantage. Who would ever suspect it would be useful to use as any sort of weapon or survival tool? Nobody. While I twist the rope some more, I know it has given me a small but significant advantage.
I have a weapon that doesn’t look like a weapon, a source of protection that is easy to hide and a mechanism to help me from losing my mind in this game of lies, betrayal and murder. If even this tiny little item can give me hope, then I might actually have a shot. After all, they just want a good show. So as I amble on through the woods, I tie random knots that I make up in my head and one thought runs through my mind.
May the odds be ever in your favor, tributes, if something this small can tip the scale… you’re going to need it.
My First Entry
2 posts in this topic.
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Heya! I actually have very little feedback when I look at the notes I made D:
First, I have to say you really like going for the chilling horror approach... because this was scary in the least. And the way she killed that poor tribute. Oh man, you had shivers running down my back. I guess that means good job? *gulps* Anyways, on to the help I can give!
"running throughout the complicated swirls of my body" I would just make the throughout 'through' instead.
"The adrenaline rushes through me. It is a waterfall. It pounds on my brain a the clock ticks down even further." I think you mean 'brain as the clock" and also, I would combine the first two sentences because it would sound better that way! The adrenaline rushes through me like a waterfall. (Perhaps change the word rushes into pours, to be more water-fall sounding like?
"I’m stand a few feet" Should be standing.
I find it weird that she didn't survey the things she could have until the countdown was finished? The tributes actually stand there for a full minute before the countdown is finished. I think she has plenty of time to look at her options then. Maybe that is something to think about?
"I watch a girl run at me. Suddenly I snap." This seemed a bit, I don't know, but blunt? Maybe say: my mind goes hazy, and I can't completely believe that I am here and being forced to kill other people. It takes me a moment to snap back into reality - not a moment too soon it seems. A girl is running straight at me... etc
"I need this to go faster so I" Why? Can she see people watching them tussle as they do? Can she see the other tributes grabbing all the worthy items? Maybe you can mention someone whisking Ellie Goulding away or something like that.
Other than that, this was really good! May the odds be ever in your favor too
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