Young Writers Society

'A fire that keeps my warm' - 'my' should be 'me'.

As a literary work this is very original. Most works about mental health are a confusing monologue that nobody can relate to unless they share the illness and if they share the illness it's probably not a good idea for them to be reading it anyway. What you have done here is remind people that depression affects not only the afflicted person but also the people around them. As a 'person around them' myself, I am very grateful for this.

I think, if I was depressed, I would take offence to the fact that he wanted a 'happy' girl. It seems ignorant of him to think that being depressed is something to criticised. He might as well say 'I don't want an unwell girl. I want a healthy one. This one's broken.' And I'm sure that's not what you were going for.

I like your characterisation as it reminds me very much of a depressed friend of mine.

If this is autobiographical at all, feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk, although I guess you have Ethan for that.

Well done. (normally I put a smiley here but that makes no sense here)

Hello, mollykw, this is wisegirl22 here for a stream of endless reviews! This review was brought to you by Team Pen.

The first paragraph was very...tell-y. You mostly told everybody straight on what happened and what Ethan thought and other things I didn't catch. My advice (although don't trust me too much, I'm eight): show more, instead of telling everybody. Example:

Tell-The fluffy pillow was very comfortable, and I liked it very much.
Show-I sank into the pillow as soon as I laid my head on it, preparing to go sleep. I didn't want to wake up.

You see? It has more depth than telling. So ya. Also, in this one sentence, I see it is a bit bland. Don't be afraid to add some punctuation, they're your friends. Don't worry, they won't eat you. Just place a comma after "met".

"I remember the first day we met you told me something that you looked for in a girl was happiness."

Punctuation, just like last time, and telling/showing, just like last time. Work on it, girl. You tried to make up for the first paragraph, I see. Well, sorry Molly, it didn't make sense nor help me forgive you. Take out the comma before "but". Speaking of that three letter word, I hate abundances of three letter words. And this, this is no exception.

"But I had no other option, but to keep fighting, because it would be selfish of me to leave. I hate doing things for myself."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you say no one would miss you. Then you go into this rant about people unsure about what they have to live for because you're gone. I wouldn't contradict myself in front of a reader, I'll tell you my advice. But don't take it.

"Do I believe anyone would miss me? No. But I cannot bring myself to know how people would feel when they heard I was gone. How my mom wouldn’t know what to do with her life. My dad unsure what he even has to live for."

The ending was great, and so was his piece. I hope you can forever write, so maybe one day you'll make it into a newspaper, or a publishing company. Always live, Mollykw!

-wisegirl22