z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Engulfed- Chapter Three

by writerkitty


To my surprise, my body landed on something super soft and furry. I could feel beads of sweat pouring down my face, I was still petrified with fear.

"You can open your eyes now weirdo." I heard the girl's annoyed tone. " I wasn't intending to save you for the second time, but little Pip didn't want to turn you into a pancake."

My eyes shot open, "Pip? Who's Pip?"

A little whimper came from the fluffy thing I was lying on.

Startled, I jumped off of it, stumbling down to the grassy ground below. "What the..."

Standing in front of me was a huge ball of fluff. It didn't look like a living being at all, though, it did remind me of an oversized sky blue pompom. It was at least twice as tall as me!

The girl peeked down from it and grinned, "This is Pip, my fluffy baby!" She said hugging the big ball of fluff, it gave another low whimper, like a puppy. I couldn't see its eyes, mouth or at least its legs.

Most of my limbs were still aching, but I managed to get up. "Is that thing alive?"

"How rude!" She snapped pretending to cover the 'thing's ears, "he saved your life! Of course, he's alive!"

She quickly jumped off of the creature's back and marched towards me balling up her hands into fists.

"Oh, so you think I'm a crazy girl who talks to inanimate objects! I'll show you who's crazy,"

She stood right in front of me as if she was going to punch me in the face. That's when I realized that she was super short. She was no taller than my shoulder.

"Er," I scratched the back of my head trying to figure out what exactly was going on. "Sorry, but I'm really confused."

"Are you now? Is it because I look small and feeble! Do you think I can't take you down on my own?" She asked folding the sleeves of her white tunic. "I may look small, but trust me you don't wanna awaken the devil inside me."

"Whoa," I said raising my hands in the air, " Can you please stop that already. I'm confused because this isn't the world I belong."

"Oh wow." She said gazing at me with curious eyes, "I don't have to do anything to prove you're crazy, you just proved it yourself!"

The ball of fluff slowly moved towards her making strange puppy noises.

"What's the matter Pip, you hungry?" She asked slowly rubbing the creature's head.

"Listen, thanks for saving me."

"Yeah, whatever." She said patting the creature. "Thanks for almost killing me. I must go now though, gotta feed my little fluff ball."

"You might just call me crazy again, but I'm really not from this world," I said trying to sound serious as possible. "I mean look at my clothes, they're really different than yours!"

She snorted with laughter, "Well yeah, I mean you're a guy and I'm a girl. We dress differently. It's no big deal." She said bending down to wipe off dirt from her black leggings and wooly boots.

This girl's impossible! she's crazy.

"Listen, even if you are from another world or something, I just don't care," she said climbing onto her pet. "I mean it's no big deal, it's not like you're gonna be the savior of this world or anything."

"That's it, I'm just going to find someone who's more understandable. I'm done talking with you!" I snapped as my face started to grow hot.

"Yeah, good luck with that," she said patting Pip, "they'll just kill you. On the bright side, that's one way to get out of this world right?"

"Wait, why would they do that?"

"Anything new is bad." She said heaving a sigh, her bubbly tone disappearing,"change is bad, you don't want to get in the way of my people whiny man."

"The name's Matt," I said following Pip as it started to trot away. "Why do they think it's bad...I mean not all new things are bad."

"Listen, I saved you." She said peeking down, "but that doesn't mean you can follow me. So just, shoo!"

I scowled, "Seriously?" 

"Shoo, shoo!" She said shaking her hand in front of her, "don't get me into more trouble, please."

I stopped, staring at the ground. "Sorry," I muttered. I kept forgetting how much I annoyed other people. I always ended up being a burden to everyone. Even to my own family.

Now I was just annoying a random girl.

A moment ago, I was desperate to get back home, but now I just felt as if I don't even have a place to call home anymore. The one person I cared about was gone, and my disappearance would be great news for my father.

After all, he always thought I was a mistake.

I shoved my hands into my pockets, staring at the strange sky. No matter where I end up, I would always be an unwanted midget.

"Hey, I was expecting you to put up that teary face again!" The girl's bubbly voice broke into my thoughts.

I stared at her blankly, waiting for her to say something stupid.

"I know I just shooed you," she said staring at the ground, "but you can come along if you want to."

"Why the sudden change of plans?" I asked folding my arms.

"Well, one; you look like a sad little baby who's all alone in a strange world," she said tapping her chin with her finger. "Well, technically you are. And two I need someone to help me grab some fruit for Pip."

"Won't I get you into trouble?" I asked walking towards Pip.

She grinned and tapped Pip, signing it to stop. "It won't if they don't see you. No one really comes to this part of the woods, so I you're safe. So what'd ya say?"

"I don't have a choice now do I?" I asked climbing onto the creature's back.

She nodded trying to avoid eye-contact for some reason.

"Er, so where are we going?"

"If you're really from another world," she said gripping hold of the creature's fur, "don't you think your family might be missing you?"

Her tone was plain as if she suddenly turned into some kind of a robot.

Her question hurt me more than I thought it would.

Why did she ask something like that?

Pip broke the awkward silence by letting out another whine, but this time it sounded more like a terrified whimper.

"We gotta move," the girl muttered. "You'd better hold on tight."

Before I could ask anything, the ground beneath us began to shake, making a strange rumbling sound.

Quickly, I grabbed onto Pips fur to prevent myself from falling down.

"Pip, run!" The girl commanded eyeing the ground suspiciously as if something might pop out of it any moment.

Something told me, this was just the beginning of something super bad.


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 5:18 pm
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Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

So I noticed that this chapter, and I assume the chapters before this are too, is pretty based around dialogue. In a more broader sense, this chapter is based around characters and I found that's what drives this novel. At least here it does. That's mainly what this chapter is, and I do wish we got a bit of quiet time with the main character because we're in the first person perspective though we as the readers haven't gotten to explore much into their thoughts yet because of the dialogue.

I have to admit though that you're pretty well off in avoiding talking heads, so nice job on that! The dialogue is definitely your strong suit here, though I wish that it didn't control the chapter as much as it does. There's not a lot of room for description and while you can tell the plot and advance the plot through conversation, that's not something you can do with the description or setting of this novel.

That's the weak point here by far, I've found. Practice building on the atmosphere and worldbuilding since this is what seems to be of the fantasy genre? I want more of that rich world that we haven't gotten much of, even if the characters have to be sacrificed a little, because that's fine. We've already gotten a taste of them.

I can see that this is more light-hearted in tone so far though. At least, that's how I've seen it. Very light and fluffy like the beginning of this chapter when the main character lands on the ball of fluff, and that's fine. There's no harm in that, though I do want to see you focusing and trying to balance the other elements of the novel here into the chapter. The last line with the language of 'super bad' also indicates to me that while this will be an adventure novel, it's of the lighter kind. That's fine, and I like lighter novels because it's a nice change for fantasy, which is usually darker and more grim.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Tue Jun 13, 2017 9:22 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi again!

Nit-picks:

She quickly jumped off of the creature's back and marched towards me balling up her hands into fists.

This is one of those times I mean when you should have a comma. This time between "me" and "balling". Let me know if my reason for this is unclear.

I'm confused because this isn't the world I belong to."


"Listen, even if you are from another world or something, I just don't care," she said climbing onto her pet. "I mean it's no big deal, it's not like you're gonna be the savior of this world or anything."

"Yeah, good luck with that," she said patting Pip, "they'll just kill you. On the bright side, that's one way to get out of this world right?"

I think you might have missed something here.

Well, technically you are.

When did she start to believe him? Surely it'd be something like, "Well, apparently you are."

So what'd ya say?

Not quite right. "So what d'ya say?"

Something told me, this was just the beginning of something super bad.

Don't need the comma.

Overall:

Character: I like you bringing him feeling worthless back in. That was good. I also like how you have small moments like the girl going quiet to show some of her sore spots. I think the relationship between them is developing fairly well too.

Setting: I'm really enjoying picturing this setting. It's great fun!

Plot: I still think I'd want Matt to ask how he might have got there. It wouldn't be unreasonable to think that if it had happened to him it could have happened before. And I think even if he doesn't necessarily want to go home, he would still be freaked out by the fabric of society not behaving as it should.

Flow: It's starting to get really distracting how often you take a new line.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




writerkitty says...


:D Thank you for the review!



ExOmelas says...


No problem :)




If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind