The Father’s kids

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a cute little piece that was also somehow horrifying but I've learnt not to question that combination when it comes to tales by you cause you pull it off really well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Though it was Nathan’s birthday, Annie felt special that day too.

Yet after some time in the carnival, something wasn’t right to her. Nathan was fine, but Annie…

She was absolutely terrified.

Nathan looked out the window, at the many trees that passed him by. It was his fifth birthday! He was going to the new carnival!

Meanwhile, Annie dreaded the noise of the crowd, being flushed away by the bodies, and the rush of the rides.

There was nowhere to turn, they had to go. Whether they liked it or not.

Well nothing like a good helping of dread for two innocent kids to start off a vampricone story here. This is a classic little start here, and I can already imagine where exactly this is headed.

Far off, Annie and Nathan could see the Ferris Wheel looming in the distance. The carnival was close, the party would happen.

The car filled with the joyful screams of Nathan, both parents cheering him on. Only Annie stared silently out the window.

The car drove over to the parking lot. Annie thought that she saw a clown woman at the ticket booth, but that couldn’t be possible. Nobody liked clowns anymore, they were out of season.

A clown wouldn’t harm her, she knew that. But still…

Annie didn’t like her presence.

I think Annie is being quite smart there as far as not wanting that person around there is concerned although I get the feeling her suspicions unfortunately are going to get followed up on as much as they should be.

The four of them had left their car and were standing in line for their tickets. Unfortunately, Annie’s suspicions were right. There was a clown woman collecting their tickets.

But the clown smiled kindly at them all and wished them all a wonderful time.

She was the least of Annie’s worries.

“So, Nathan and I will go to the carousel, Mom and Annie will go to the Ferris Wheel. Does that sound good?” Dad asked.

The four of them had left the ticket line and were in the very carnival itself! Perhaps it would be fun after all!

Annie and Nathan nodded, Mom said yes.

The deal was set!

Hmm well that seems like a decent plan in theory but splitting up like that in a moment like this is definitely the moment that everything is waiting to pounce here. The underlying tension here is starting to build quite nicely.

Annie stood next to Mom as they waited in line to go on the Ferris Wheel. She didn’t think that there would be a line, but perhaps she was wrong.

Just like she was wrong about the clown. The clown was kind to them, the clown let them in.

Annie wanted to go back to the clown.

In the air was a strong scent of smoke. Stronger than that of greasy food, an intensity bigger than the anticipation of hopping on a ride.

Was something burning? Of course, it was only food. Why did Annie even ask herself that? There was not a thing to worry about.

They were so close to the end of the line.

Oh dear that's not good. A clown in one of these stories being suspiciously nice coupled with a scent that you really really don't want to smell in any situation really much less this one.

“Come on, let’s go.” Mom said, taking hold of Annie’s hand.

Time had gone on, they were going to ride on the Ferris Wheel.

Yet still, the scent of smoke grew stronger by the seconds.

Annie held worriedly onto Mom’s hand as they walked into the Ferris Wheel cart. Heights were heights, the smell was a smell.

No one else was afraid, so why should she be? There was nothing to be frightened about. All would be just fine and peachy, wouldn’t it? A day at the carnival, such a fun-filled fair day!

Right?

Well that definitely does not bode well. As much as it seems like everyone should be doing jut fine there this absolutely seems like something quite wrong is going on in the background here.

As they went high up, the burning scent got stronger. Annie could smell something awful, too. Like old meat. Below was a murmur of people talking.

Annie held closer onto Mom. Mom stroked her hair and spoke soothingly to her, but Annie heard nothing.

What was going on?

The ride stopped suddenly, hanging above the ground. It was a jolt, a shock of a stop.

Annie held onto Mom, her stomach dropping inside, nails pale from fear.

The voices down below became screams. High, frightened, frenzied screams, like the screams of her nightmares.

Annie had to bite down her bottom lip to stop her own screams from escaping.

Everything was okay Everything was okay Everything was okay Everything was okay Everything was okay Everything was okay Everything was okay

Welp there we go disaster in the making before you even know it. Classic transition moment there and I think you do it wonderfully the setup building up neatly in the background and then we just have it all coming crashing down there.

“I think that something in the carnival is burning up. Annie, you’re going to hold onto me and we’ll climb out.” Mom said.

Climb out?! Climb out?! But they were so high up, and climbing out of a Ferris Wheel was dangerous.

“You’re going to have to trust me. If you hold on, we’ll be okay. I promise.” Mom said.

Annie nodded and unbuckled her seatbelt. Mom promised, Mom said that she would protect her.

Mom never broke her promises.

Annie held onto Mom as she held her, carefully climbing out of the Ferris Wheel.

Everything around Annie was a blazing inferno. People were screaming for help, wildly, frantically.

Was it all a nightmare? Would she wake up in bed, safe and sound?

Welp here we go, the burning smell coming into its own there and unfortunately as risky and horrifying as this plan is it really is about the best one out there in this particular moment.

No. Every bit of it was real. The screams were real, the fire was real. No matter what Annie did, she couldn’t wake up.

Her small hands grew weak on Mom’s shirt. She felt herself slipping…slipping…slipping.

Annie screamed as she fell down, the fire completely surrounding her. In the blaze, she saw the clown woman struggling to breathe, but leading a few children to safety.

The clown looked up at Annie and opened her arms.

Annie felt her heart lift in relief. The clown would save her. The clown would protect her.

Well that was an unexpected save there by clown but the title of that chapter and the way this has been going makes me think getting saved here isn't all as great as its cracked up to bee.

“What’s going on? What’s with all the fire? What happened?” Annie asked. Her voice was hoarse, the smoke was breaking her lungs.

“Some food at one of the stands overheated. Don’t talk, I’m going to get you out of here.” The clown said.

Annie took a ragged, short breath. She was grateful that the clown had saved her, but she didn’t know how much time was left…

Annie could feel that someone was with them. Someone who wasn’t human. Someone who was waiting…but for what?

Annie tried her best not to close her eyes, but the fire was getting strong…so strong…

No…she couldn’t..it wasn’t…

It wasn’t the end yet.

Well this is getting more and more sketchy by the minute here, I am not loving the directions that I am seeing this turn towards for the moment. It seems to just be destined to go towards some sort of horror with the way its slowly going through.

It’s time to rest, my child.

Annie couldn’t see anything. Only pure darkness, stretching on for miles and miles, never once ending.

A pale, skeletal hand reached out to her.

Your brother is waiting for you. Come with me, I’ll take good care of you.

Annie hesitated for a moment, but then she took the hand. Perhaps the strange being could take her home…

Upon closer inspection, Annie could see that the figure strangely resembled The Grim Reaper, with their cloak of black and their curved scythe.

“I’m not dead, am I?” Annie asked, pulling away abruptly.

“I’m afraid so. But that’s nothing to fear, you’re going to be safe.” The Grim Reaper said melodically.

“Annie! Come here!” Nathan called out.

Annie ran towards the sound of Nathan’s voice, forgetting for a moment that they were dead, and it was the end.

Oooh well that is some ending there, I like the more gentle note here, this being just an accident so there's a brief bit of pain before then being handed of gently into the arms of death but it is still a very sad especially with her still calling for her parents.

Annie and Nathan played in a field of flowers. Mom was alive, that they knew. Dad had died, but still, he hadn’t arrived.

The Grim Reaper told them a few times that maybe Dad went to the bad place, but both kids ignored them. Dad would come, they were certain of it.

The clown, named Alizèe, comforted them as best as she could, but nothing would comfort the children more than seeing their father again. No flowers, no sunshine, and not even Alizèe, could make them happy like being in the arms of their Daddy would.

Well this is maybe the saddest wholesome ending I've managed to witness in one of these pieces here. Somehow the kids are safe and happy and the clown turns out to genuinely be nice and there to help them but separated from their parents that they can't meet. Truly a bit of both worlds.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think another strong piece here, I really loved the setup on this one and the final twist about the clown, you definitely tricked me good with that one. And the ending was quite nicely done there too!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

Hello Hello, fren! It's me Sky and I'm excited to read your story here! I'll be reading and reviewing as i go so you can see my thought process

Ooh I already love how you catch the reader's attention with this!

She was absolutely terrified.

I like how little you share about Annie but how much information it gives at the same time. Poor Annie, she must be more of an introvert. At least she's going for her brother's birthday though.

Annie is a strange girl. Very silent, terrified in the beginning, and dreading this carnival. Fascinating!

Smoke is never a good thing. Especially when it is so strong it overpowers the food of the carnival. Perhaps Annie didn't worry as much as she was going to though if her mother was still calm.

Ooh i love this!

Annie held onto Mom, her stomach dropping inside, nails pale from fear.

Such a good description to share the intensity of Annie's fear!

Oh gosh. That took a quick turn. I guess the smoke was more serious than i thought. At least the clown is helping them. However, this is a bit spooky and i like it.

Annie could feel that someone was with them.

Aw this is SO sad! But so sweet too. At least Annie won't be alone.

Your brother is waiting for you.

I'm so curious why their father hasn't come yet. He died too. Why didn't he come to them? This is such a sad ending. I love how you wrote this piece. There were so many emotions I read and it was over-written, boring with details. It was a short read but one I will remember for enjoying!

Soar high and keep on writing!
-SkyVibes