Davina helps Eric

Hey Vampricone! I am back again to leave you a review on this short story! Let's jump right in!

She never wanted to kill hers, but Eric told her to. Eric influenced her. In a way, they deserved to be dead, but it still hurt Davina’s soul, how everything turned out.

“I…I don’t know. They don’t like being dead. They wanted me to kill your parents because they were from someone who was close to me…They thought that it was perfect. You would be with me, your parents wouldn’t bother you anymore, and my parents would have clowns in a carnival.” Eric said.

OOH! this is very spooky, right from the start! Her and Eric have become these puppet creatures. I wonder why her parents deserved to be dead? And how were they killed? However it happened, it seems like they really don't like being dead and it seems like a lot has happened since they did that.

He said that Davina would have a better life if she killed hers. That her parents deserved to be clowns. That they deserved to be together forever.

Oooh, so we hear a bit more about the backstory of this carnival where everyone got killed and how Eric wanted Davina's parents to become clowns. I love Davina's name by the way! You always have such creative and beautiful character names

Once again, another bitter sweet ending here:

He hugged his parents, who embraced the young boy.

Davina watched as they slowly faded into golden light, as his parents became more like people and less like shadows.

She should see her parents sometime, maybe one day they would hug like that.

Then, there was nothing.

Eric and his parents finally got closure and it seems like they finally passed on into this light. But poor Davina didn't get anything, yet. I would love to see a part two where she finally gets closure or some sort of ending with her family as well.

Very sweet story. I want to read more! I wonder how Eric is feeling?

Your friend,
Ellie

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite the little story here. A lot more wholesome than I thought it was going to end up being and ultimately a wonderful little tale.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Eric? Are you alright?” Davina asked. She and Eric had become puppet creatures after her Dad had killed them. They both sometimes went to the old carnival before Eric’s parents pulled him into the darkness.

“Am I alright? No. Why would any of us be alright?” Eric asked.

“I don’t mean that, I just want to know…how do you feel about your parents?” Davina asked.

Hmm this is a lovely little start here. Giving us a pretty good idea of the background and the context to all of the things here and just establishing a lovely baseline for this to start off with. I think that's really well done here. Let's see what the effects on these poor souls are going to be.

[qote]She never wanted to kill hers, but Eric told her to. Eric influenced her. In a way, they deserved to be dead, but it still hurt Davina’s soul, how everything turned out.

“I…I don’t know. They don’t like being dead. They wanted me to kill your parents because they were from someone who was close to me…They thought that it was perfect. You would be with me, your parents wouldn’t bother you anymore, and my parents would have clowns in a carnival.” Eric said.

“But what did you think?” Davina asked.[/quote]

Hmmm well these are definitely some rather weighty questions that are being answered at the moment. Love the way that you're using that to them introduce exactly what sort of emotions are running high here an also sneak in that backstory as well.

Eric told her long ago that his parents died in a carnival when he was a child, that all they wanted was a free carnival day. That they killed everyone at the carnival and made it abandoned.

He said that Davina would have a better life if she killed hers. That her parents deserved to be clowns. That they deserved to be together forever.

For the longest time, she thought that everything Eric said was right. That he was the “boy who could do no wrong”.

But he was a lost soul, just like her. Without a true purpose, without a true heart.

Well that was definitely quite a bit of history right there. I think it works really well to throw thus on us here because all of that lovely groundwork that was laid from the start of the story. And it also is very intriguing to see how this person's opinions have changed there. It paints a powerful little picture.

It would be difficult to mend things with her parents, but she would try. She had to try.

“I thought that it was all okay! I didn’t question it. But now I know that it’s all wrong. That no one should suffer. What I did-“

“What we did.”

For although Davina was a follower, he too was a follower. They both still killed, they weren’t blameless.

Oooh good to see that despite all of what they've been through and all of these revelations and realizations that are happening there's a clear note of these two very much being good friends happening as well. I think its a lovely detail to have there.

“What we did was a terrible, cruel thing. I need to talk to my parents, I need to tell them the truth.” Eric said.

Right on time, dark human shapes formed behind Eric. One female, one male.

He smiled at Davina before looking at both his parents and saying:

“It’s okay to be dead. Death is not the end. I love you, but staying on Earth was wrong. You should have left for Heaven, but you stayed with me. You told me to kill Davina’s parents. She lost them because of all of us, but to say that to me…you weren’t teaching me anything good. You want me to be good, right? She became just like me. You took her parents and made them into clowns. You killed everyone in this carnival. Does that sound like something you would want to do in life?”

Well this is quite the moment. I was not expecting the parents to show up at any point and certainly not for them to have a bit of a dressing down there. I was half expecting some strangulation and attacking there but this is a lovely change of pace.

His parents shifted uncomfortably, but said nothing.

“I’m not mad at you. I think that dying corrupted you. I think it corrupted all of us. So now, let’s rest.” Eric said.

He hugged his parents, who embraced the young boy.

Davina watched as they slowly faded into golden light, as his parents became more like people and less like shadows.

She should see her parents sometime, maybe one day they would hug like that.

Then, there was nothing.

Well that was a very wholesome ending to proceedings. Given the tone that we started and all the revelations that were had along the way I was not expecting there to be such a touching and hopeful ending.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this is a lovely piece that you've got here. It does very good job of establishing a lovely relationship here and the way you establish that history only to follow it up with that touching ending. A beautiful way to close it out I think.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate