*This story is underneath my folder titled “What happened to Ellette + Vaughn?”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy and Scary Creepmas!*
Beckham opened the car door and walked back to his house. He and his parents were back home, ready to celebrate Christmas with Ellette. He didn’t need to sneak her Christmas presents along, Mom and Dad remembered to bring them.
Beckham stood outside in the cold, waiting for Dad to unlock the front door. Mom was holding Ellette’s gifts, Beckham was holding his. The other gifts, the ones for his parents, were in the trunk of the car, they’d all come to get them later.
After only a few minutes, the front door opened. Beckham and his parents walked inside.
…………………………………………………
“Ellette, come out! We’re home now!” Dad called out.
No answer.
“Ellette, are you hiding in your room again? On Christmas Day? Seriously, why do you have such an attitude?” Mom asked.
She and Dad headed over to Ellette’s room while Beckham went to the kitchen, to where the side door was. The side door was rarely used, as it was a difficult door to open and close.
Beckham frowned when he saw the side door was open a crack.
“Mom! Dad! The side door is open!“ Beckham called out.
Mom and Dad walked out of Ellette’s room and joined Beckham.
“Huh. She must have run away…” Mom trailed off. Dad didn’t even stay for long. He rushed to the phone, to call the police. Mom only stared dully at the door.
Or maybe her boyfriend ate her. Beckham thought frenziedly.
But he didn’t dare say a word.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hello Hello, Vamp I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review day review. I do admit I am a little late to the holiday-themed works but creepmas is a state of mind is it not? With that being said let's get into it courtesy of Team Hollyberrys. Shall we?
Overall I found this a fun little peak into the paranormal. You set a nice little mystery with this despite me not reading any or much of the other stories. I do like how we get a peak at the normal status quo for these characters by noting the change this time around.
I do have to admit that I am a tad confused, I am guessing Ellete is some kind of Demon or Ghost yet it's strange everyone's being so calm about the fact. I know this was probably covered in the other pieces but I wonder if that could be made a tad clearer. ( Typing this I do think she's probably just a human but with your stories looks can be plenty deceiving. )
I like this line not only does it deepen the mystery but also adds a tad of dark humour. You have a very interesting opportunity to play this straight and go full-on horror or play with Beckham being a unreliable narrator. Either way, it is some hard-hitting foreshadowing for sure.
Now that we have covered my first impressions I want to get into the feedback. Please keep in mind that I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all.
I do agree with what Crow said here. You have a great set up but I feel adding a bit more depth to the prose would help. Small details like the cold weather sinking into Beckham's bones or what the house smells like could aid in the pacing. This would allow the lines to hit a lot harder and you could even scatter clues throughout as well.
I will keep that stuff brief as I have brought it up before. Regardless I found this a spooky little treat to make the holidays last longer. Happy Review day, I hope the green room is kind to you. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!
Hey Vampire! AnotherCrowInRow (or simply Kay) is here to write a quick review for your story!
I admit that I've only met your entire universe in which your stories are obviously set quickly (via Green Room) and I'm not that familiar with the entire world you've obviously built. So it's possible that I don't have the full context of who exactly your characters are, but from the point of view of a reader, I think this work can be read as a stand-alone.
Gingerbread and other Christmas goodies [/color](or things I liked)
I know it's really just a small thing, but I really like that you came up with something more original than "Merry Christmas"! It's always fun when an author plays with familiar names for holidays (and other things) and turns them into something that fits their story. And although it may not seem like it at first glance, even such little things can indicate to us that your story will have a touch of creepiness.
Just like that, without context, this sentence is a real surprise for the reader! It is clear from this that there is much more going on in the background than the reader can see.
Excellent closing sentence! Not exactly a cliffhanger, but still a good ending that leaves the reader wondering what actually happened here. Well, I would also recommend you to insert the word "to" between the two verbs in this sentence. Thus, it will be both grammatically correct and a little smoother to read.
Crooked Christmas tree (things that could be improved)
I would advise you to add a little more description to the story, or to develop a little the sentences you have already written here. The whole story is quite short overall, which is good on the one hand, but on the other hand, the reader cares less about what's going on there. For example, Ellete disappearing would be much more interesting to the reader if they knew more about Ellete. I noticed that the story doesn't even mention who Beckham actually is - I personally took it to mean that he is Ellet's brother, but the truth is that he could be anyone. I understand that since your characters appear over and over in the stories, it makes sense that you don't fully introduce them every time they appear. But it would be useful to at least mention the family relationships between the characters or something similar. Also, your story would definitely benefit from a little more description of the environment, so that the reader would then be able to better imagine what is actually happening here.
Closing thoughts
Overall, I rate your story as a bit short, but still interesting! I have no doubt that readers more familiar with your world will know exactly what the possible consequences of Ellet's disappearance will be and how this chapter moved the overall story. So, with this my review comes to an end: Merry Christams, dear author! (or should I say Scary Creepmas! ?
- Kay