*This story is underneath my folder titled “What happened to Ellette + Vaughn?”. The story where it all started is underneath my folder titled “25 Christmas tales”. The very first story featuring these characters is the second tale in my story titled “25 Celebratory Christmas Tales (Tales 1-13) (Part One)”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Beckham lay in the sleeping bag, surrounded by the other sleeping bags occupied by his cousins. They were all sleeping in the guest room. They were all going to celebrate their Christmas vacation together. The presence of his family should have been comforting, but there was an itch in the back of his brain that was growing with every second.
Ellette wasn’t there.
Mom wanted to leave her behind, because she wasn’t “being good”. Beckham wanted to say something to defend her, but his throat clammed up in fear and he only followed Dad outside, to the car.
Hopefully Ellette was okay. Mom probably wouldn’t want to bring her presents back home after what happened. Maybe she would, though. Maybe she’d give them to Ellette. In case that wouldn’t happen, though, Beckham would take them. He’d take them secretly and give them to her.
Something flickered in the corner of the room.
Beckham sat up, staring at the very corner of the thing that moved.
“I’m not going to be home.” Ellette’s voice said from the corner. He didn’t see anything, he only heard her voice.
Did she always sound that strangled? Like there was something lodged in her throat?
“Ellette? You’re here? I thought that you were at home.” Beckham said.
He didn’t know how she got there, but perhaps she had an explanation. Ellette always knew her way around things.
“Yes and no.” Ellette said in that same congested tone.
Yes and no? What did that mean?
“I’m dead. I’m a ghost now.” Ellette said calmly.
“You’re…you’re dead? No you’re not. Ghosts aren’t real, you’re at home. You’re alive.” Beckham said.
Because there was no way that his sister died, no way that she was just…gone. That didn’t just happen to people. People only died when they were old, not when they were still young and ready to see what life had to offer.
“I’m dead, Beckham. My boyfriend ate me. Don’t expect me to be home, because I won’t be.” Ellette said.
“You don’t have a boyfriend. You’re not really here. You’re home.” Beckham said.
Her words sounded insane, but there was something inside of him telling him that they were true, that Ellette was home, but in a bad way…
“I made a mistake. Don’t worry too much about me, just know that I’m not home.” Ellette said.
“No, you’re alive. You’re-“
And that was when a gigantic pale claw reached from the walls and pulled Ellette away, crushing her body as though it were paper, her blood splattering everywhere in the room, her screams ringing in his ears, waking Beckham up from his nightmare.
Nightmare? But it felt so real, so true. Was Ellette trying to tell him something? Was she really dead?
Was her boyfriend a monster? His hand snatched her as though she were a doll.
Was Beckham all alone?
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139,203 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this is quite the terrifying nightmare here. I think you do a great job bringing that across here, really showcasing Beckham's thoughts, how they fight against this which really makes that nightmare reveal right at the end suddenly make even more sense.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Oooh well that definitely sounds like the sort of thing that would end up bothering someone quite a little bit although the way that its stated there makes me wonder if this is secretly a good thing for Beckham.
Hmm as we continue on here I'm becoming more sure of my assessment that Elette is someone best left away. It looks like another classic case of a bit of an imaginary friend who's going a bit too far, and this one might be just straight up a demon of some sort instead of just very jealous like Aunt Janet.
Well this is interesting. Looks like Ellette managed to actually come after all. That's making me more sure that poor Beckham here is just being tricked and she' in it for evil all the time. This congested detail only adds to that.
Well this is interesting. Maybe Ellette was not an imaginary friend but rather a sibling or an actual friend of some sort. Oh dear, that complicates matters, especially given it seems that she's dead now and quite young which can only mean murder went down here.
Oh dear. So she is his sibling. Oh wow, and oh dear, looks like Ellette suffered from the vampricone special boyfriend with the eat the person you love trend. A lot of monsters seem to really like this plan in your stories and honestly I can see where that twisted idea can come from. It is one of the ways to truly be together I suppose in a sick and twisted way. Although I am curious, do you have a reason why a lot of monsters do this?
Well looks like Beckham here doesn't want to believe that something that horrible would happen to his sister and honestly you really can't blame him for wanting to believe that. This really does feel like a truly horrific thing to be a part of right now and to accept.
Oh dear. Well looks like the nightmare part of this title came in view but oh my goodness that is an ending and a half. Knowing the kind of world this is set in, I feel like this dream here is trying to tell us a bit more than its letting on here. This can't be so simple.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think you'd done a wonderful job here, really showcasing Beckham's fears through this and a hint at the maybe the future too there at least the way I think this is going.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Glad you enjoyed!
A lot of monsters haven%u2019t been in touch with the human world that much. They eat and kill to survive.
So when they find love%u2026it can result in them eating away at the one they love because that%u2019s the only way they know how to express love.
Hi there, friendo! Ellie here to review this lovely short story. I hope your day has been great
I could be totally wrong here, but shouldn't it be a comma after the word home? Again, I could be totally wrong on this, but that is how I would write it.
And after the word home here. I believe if you are following a sentence with 'he said/she said/they said/spoke etc' you just end the sentence with a comma, besides exclamation marks or question marks. Also, I really enjoyed the way you wrote this. Asking engaging questions is definitely a strength of yours and I love it
I noticed other places where you use a period before "she/he said" that you might want to edit. And I noticed this line:
I think you just need to add a space after ...gone to make it ... gone instead.
Absolutely love this ending:
Awesome work! ^^I pointed out some technical stuff above but besides that, your writing is engaging, detailed, and intriguing to read! Overall, awesome work, friend!
Your friend,
Ellie
Let's get into this!
A Little Skimming - First Impressions
Oooh, another thrilling horror story written by the renowned writer, vampricone6783! This short tidbit is about a boy named Beckham. He was on a Christmas vacation with his family. A new mysterious character is introduced, Beckham's sister (I think she's his sister, please correct me if she is otherwise), Ellette. Ellette was not included on the vacation because of a bad deed she did, and Beckham assumed she was just at home, but she says otherwise. Ellette, coming in a ghostly form, informs the MC that she is dead... killed by her boyfriend. Of course, Beckham doesn't believe her, but then in a gruesome and heart stopping moment, she is grasped by a hand, then splattered alive... or splattered dead...? Turns out it was all a nightmare... or was it?
Love it! - Parts That I Like
First off, I want to point out how talented you are in the suspense and horror areas. You are very good at building up thrilling scenes and describing terrifying moments that have me jump scared!
I love how you constructed this missing ache that Beckham's feeling for his sister. It shows his thoughtfulness for her, which makes her death even more depressing and horrific.
How you described Ellette's voice adds an extra ominous feel to it, one that makes the readers suspect something is up. I love how you added that spice. Good job!
This line really described the ignorance and innocence of Beckham, how he is so oblivious to the darkness of the world. That was a really nice touch. Well done!
Just A Tad Off... - Errors and Corrections
Only a couple corrections.
Firstly, I think this one was a bit too short. It was only a 3 minute read. I think it would be much more intriguing if you elongated it somehow, or added more scenes to this one.
Also, it would be more realistic if you described the feelings of each individual more, especially those of the main character. When Ellette tells Beckham that she's dead, realistically, Beckham would start freaking out. Maybe you van expound on how he felt in that moment. His heart dropping, shaking, disbelief, fear, sadness, etc. etc. etc.
Salutations! - Final Thoughts and Goodbyes
This was another thrilling read! Keep writing!
Inferno
Glad you enjoyed! You%u2019re correct on Ellette being Beckham%u2019s sister.