Hey there.
I'll run through some of the basics first and see how much room I have left for further explanation. First up for the basics is of course capitalization and how it's not needed as much as it's used in poetry. I'd like to see some limitations within this poem, which seems to be suffering from the effect that capital letters have on flow.
The choppy flow has another contributor in the lack of punctuation, which will be a bit harder to fix but the line breaks are already a nice start. Most people choose the format of a line break whenever they need a period or a comma, thinking that will cover the necessity of the situation. That only works sometimes and as I started to say with the caps issue, these techniques aren't working in your poem. Add something in so this isn't so stream of conscious sounding.
More in the vein of stream of conscious is that the poem is rather rambly. You're jumping through the hoops of a lot of different types of imagery, which does present a pretty scene to the audience but does not fulfill the needs. I see this happen quite a bit and it's bothersome to me in poetry formatting because it's stacking one element of poetry above the other. I love to see effort put into a good presentation, but this is another case of using it too much.
One of the previous reviewers commented on the cliche element of this poem and it is certainly very relevant to the issues you have going on. There is a certain judgement to be gleaned based on the first imagery and metaphor brought to the audience. So you're probably looking for a slower introduction because there's not really a swapping metaphor.
That's about it?
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
Donate