Published April 9, 2005
The Sun is a star
And a burning light illuminating the world
That you can see from afar
It is the colour of fire
Burning bright in the sky
It lights up the earth
In an orange blaze
As we twist around that ball in space
All parts of the world look at it face to face
with all its glory
shining high above our heads
~Ude Dude~
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey there.
I'll run through some of the basics first and see how much room I have left for further explanation. First up for the basics is of course capitalization and how it's not needed as much as it's used in poetry. I'd like to see some limitations within this poem, which seems to be suffering from the effect that capital letters have on flow.
The choppy flow has another contributor in the lack of punctuation, which will be a bit harder to fix but the line breaks are already a nice start. Most people choose the format of a line break whenever they need a period or a comma, thinking that will cover the necessity of the situation. That only works sometimes and as I started to say with the caps issue, these techniques aren't working in your poem. Add something in so this isn't so stream of conscious sounding.
More in the vein of stream of conscious is that the poem is rather rambly. You're jumping through the hoops of a lot of different types of imagery, which does present a pretty scene to the audience but does not fulfill the needs. I see this happen quite a bit and it's bothersome to me in poetry formatting because it's stacking one element of poetry above the other. I love to see effort put into a good presentation, but this is another case of using it too much.
One of the previous reviewers commented on the cliche element of this poem and it is certainly very relevant to the issues you have going on. There is a certain judgement to be gleaned based on the first imagery and metaphor brought to the audience. So you're probably looking for a slower introduction because there's not really a swapping metaphor.
That's about it?
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Yeah, try to break free from the cliches. It's hard to at first, but you can't write poetry if you're going to just write what we've all heard a thousand times. We know the sun is a star. Tell us something only you know.
Before I get to my crit, let me welcome you to YWS. "It rocks my face off!"
I can tell that you're trying, but, it's really bland and plain. It sounds so ... no offense ... fifth grade science project-y?
I mean, "The Sun is a star?" That is way too ... under-embelished. Again, too plain.
It seems like you're stating the obvious, which you are. "...it illuminates the world," ..."the colour of fire," "It lights up the earth..."(that just repeats line two).
You get my point.