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E - Everyone

New Novel: Chapter 1

by twiggy


     Somewhere in the world, right now, someone is dying. I don't know if the person is a baby, a kid, an old lady, but one thing you can always be certain about is death. And taxes. That's what Dad always says.

I don't know much about death. Sure, there was the goldfish Bubbles that was replaced nine times before I noticed he looked different. My grandma's sister who lived in Ukraine 'til she died. But never anything absolute, no complete death.

I have, however, made brief contacts with it.

I was born nearly three months early-a “micro-preemie” weighing in at two pounds. For the next four months, I lived in a climate controlled incubator where I was protected from bright lights, loud sounds, and continued to grow. I made it out of their mostly unscathed, miraculously. My lungs are swampy and I am rather short and skinny for my age, but that could also be genetics. 

     But not likely. My dad is six feet tall and lean, but not skinny-brown hair and blue eyes, dark eyebrows, and an oblong face. My mom is average-brown hair and eyes, attractively thin. Mama looks beautiful in everything, all the time, and never wears make-up. Same with my older sister, Lena, who is the same as my mom. Same silky brown hair, same big eyes, same face.

Neither of my parents are skinny, and neither is Mark or Lena. Their breathing is perfectly fine. Sometimes I wish they were more like me because then my problems could be just genetics. In third grade, the fat kid Clarence found out I was born early and went around telling people I only had half a brain. Everyone made fun of me, and when I came home I cried on Mama's lap for an hour, but by the next day everyone had forgotten about it. Except for me. Since then, I have never talked about it unless asked by a trustworthy person. Which is two people besides my family-Amy and Jess.

Amy and Jess are my best friends in the whole world. I've known Amy since kindergarten, when both of us were afraid to talk and couldn't say the “r” sound. Since then she has outgrown her speech impediment. I have not, but we were brought together for one reason and stay side by side for others.

Jess moved to Seneca in fourth grade, from Montana. Mrs. Jenkins made her introduce herself and she stuttered the whole time. We invited her to sit with us at lunch, and we were best friends the next day.

They are cool, nice, funny, silly, weird, helpful, and understanding, and they more or less like the same stuff that I do. Which is reading, writing, climbing trees, daydreaming, thinking, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

In two weeks, when we are officially “beach small town people” and not “country small town people” I will be very sad and miss them a lot. But we still have two more weekends visits, which is plenty of time to hang out and say goodbye. That will be excruciatingly painful-kind of like death-but another thing Dad says is that it's human nature to move on.

He doesn't exactly do that himself, though. He was in the Army, and fought against the Taliban in Afghanistan and Iraq. I guess he saw or did or heard about awful things that happened, and it was really hard for him. He has depression and PTSD which means he hates loud noises and gets really grumpy and really sad or really angry sometimes. For us, at least. I can't imagine what it's like for him. But I do think he needs to move on-it happened 20 years ago-but I can understand how it would be hard.

Mark gets really angry, too. He has big emotions for an eight year old, and since Lena got sick it's been worse. You never know when he's going to blow up or what he'll get mad about. He's like a water glass that wants to fall off the table. But he's still a cute little kid. He has huge blue eyes and long eyelashes, and floppy nut-brown hair. He's also loves baseball; he's the most passionate eight year old I know. He's the funny guy-always trying to make people laugh by telling jokes and acting silly.

And then there's me. I'm two years younger than Lena and four years older than Mark-twelve. I don't feel like it, though. I've never been introverted or shy, but I've also lived in a very small town where I know literally everyone.

Some girls feel like boys like them more the thinner they are, but that isn't true because I'm skinnier than a rake and no boy has ever liked me, and I've never been or felt that pretty. My hair is dark brown, really long, and kind of oily, because Mama never buys the right shampoo. I have a few freckles and my eyes are dark green, so dark it's sometimes hard to tell what color they are.

That's all of us except for Lena. Lena is my big sister. She's fifteen, almost sixteen, and has silky brown hair a little bit past her shoulders. Her eyes are like Mama's-big and bright-but they're blue, not brown. She's okay, I guess. She is very open and loud about things, kind of bossy, and cries her way into getting what she wants. For example: “Mama, can we watch TV?“

“No, not right now.“

“But it's too hot to go outside!“ She'd say, crying. “And I'm so, so tired. Can I have some juice?“

Lena has Type 1 diabetes. We didn't know this until three months ago, when she slipped into a coma and almost into Heaven. She was in the hospital for a week, and she was completely changed when she got back. And then we moved four hours away to the coast, because my dad was about to lose his job, anyways.

In two weeks, our house will officially not belong to us. It will go to a young couple, with a two year old son and a daughter on the way. We knew them (they went to Faith United Christian Church with us) so that is comforting, but I will miss it so much.

Two acres of rolling hills, Juniper trees, and sagebrush. We had an amazing garden, three fruit trees, a swingset, and a trampoline in the back yard, and after that it sloped down into a pit, and then back up and out, and it was all ours.

And the house. It was one story, but it had a bonus room on top that belonged to me and my siblings. We all had our own bedrooms, on the opposite side of the house from my parents. There was a door in my closet that led into Lena's room, and when I was little and still thought there were monsters under my bed I would run over to her room and she'd let me sleep in her bed with her. She was always there for me, helping me out, but lately it's been reversed. I take care of her more than she takes care of me. More than I take care of me.


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Sat Dec 16, 2023 7:05 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! I came to read, and now I review!

Your tags of "realistic/narrative" are very fitting for this type of work. We get a glimpse of a more-or-less normal person with a normal life. That is, it appears to be set in the real world and there are no fantasy elements introduced. The reference to houses, trees, and hills, people, places, and physical disorders all serve to paint the picture that we are encountering a story set within our own world.

The introductory sentences - specifically the first two paragraphs - do well at setting what appears to be a main theme for this story. It's clear to the reader right away that this story is going to have something to do with death and the main character's experiences with/relationships to death situations. From the very beginning, you've established some things which I assume will be important to the story. First of all, the most obvious, the main character and narrator has not been exposed to much death. Furthermore, at this point in her journey she is not quite sure what to think about it or how to deal with it. It also implies that she has been pretty sheltered. Finally, perhaps the most prominent feature of your opening is that this will likely be a story that is somewhat grim but very realistic, and hints strongly at the fact that the plot will heavily revolve around the character development the narrator will experience regarding the topic and reality of death.

I am thinking that your main character starts out a little bit naive, but has something of a matter-of-fact approach to things. Although she may have little life experience, she doesn't seem to shy away from grim realities. This all helps to paint a picture in our minds of what kind of character the narrator is. It gives hints at her personality and her outlook. Her traits and particular limitations become clearer the more we read and discover that she has not had the easiest life. Of course, these serve to show us that she may be a little insecure. I think you've also done well at indicating how she may feel overshadowed by her siblings.

I appreciate the direction you seem to be taking where kids with disabilities or limitations of some sort band together. We see the gravitation of outcasts to each other. This lets us know that there has been at least a temporary support system for the main character. However, she has indirectly mentioned that her family has recently moved/will be moving to a new location, so I'm getting the impression that her sense of support and security is about to be disrupted.

All these elements that you've woven in are pretty great at establishing what kind of character you're working with and the idea of where your story is heading, and you've done well at introducing a lot of the necessary information to get things started. You didn't spend a lot of time on useless details or information. However, I would say there was maybe a little info-dumping. We may not need to know all the specifics of the family's physical appearances right away.

I recognize that you used these visual descriptions to show how the main character feels removed or alienated even from her own family members, but maybe you could have been a little more succinct with it, such as condensing it to two or three sentences at the most. An idea of how this would sound could be like, "My parents both have brown hair and are reasonably fit but not glaringly skinny. And where their eyes are bright blue or brown, mine are an indistinguishable shade of dark green."

You could still go on to say how the mom looks beautiful in anything she wears and the sister Lena takes after the mother in physical attractiveness. You could even maybe mention the dad's oblong face. Basically what I'm trying to say is that we don't necessarily need specific color descriptions for every hair and eye color, etc. It kind of wanders needless off track, in my opinion. But like I said, you can still find a way to emphasize that the main character is awkwardly skinny compared to her other family members, and even that she may look a little different. Maybe you could just say she didn't seem to have inherited any of the attractive genetics.

I think all the details you've included are important to you, and most of them may even be important to the story, so I'm not saying you should leave them out altogether. Instead, maybe you could find a way to work them into the exposition of the story rather than info-dumping them all in the opening. It's the simple yet complex concept of "show, don't tell." Maybe you could expand by working in examples of interactions that show rather than tell how Lena uses her drama and her physical limitation to get what she wants. Work the examples into your story as illustrations of what you want to get across so that it paints a picture to convey the idea rather than just explaining it.

Well, that's about all I'm going to put in this review, but overall I think you've done a good job, and once again, I think your opening is pretty strong and includes a lot of important elements. Keep working and revising. Best wishes for more good work!




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Wed Dec 13, 2023 3:48 am
Elektra wrote a review...



Hiya! Ley here to review.<3

First impressions... My first impression was that I feel sad for the girl, she seems like she doesn't have the easiest life. :'(

When I was reading this I felt... Sad, intrigued. This was a nice start to an even better novel. I wish I had gotten more information about the narrator herself/himself.

My favorite line/quote is...I chose this quote because it was a great way to end a chapter! It left me wondering: Why does she not take care of herself? Is something else happening at home? It makes me want to turn the next page and keep reading :3

I take care of her more than she takes care of me. More than I take care of me.


Some things I would change would be... Most of these are grammar mistakes:

I have, however, made brief contacts with it.


The extra 's' at the end of the word 'contact' is unnecessary :)

My dad is six feet tall and lean, but not skinny, withbrown hair and blue eyes


Adding the comma and the word 'with' when describing someone makes all the difference in how smooth your story reads.

They are cool, nice, funny, silly, weird, helpful, and understanding, and they more or less like the same stuff that I do.


This is some what of a run-on sentence. I would try adding periods here and there-- or cut down on the descriptive words.

four years older than Mark who is twelve.


Adding two commas at the end of the words "Mark' and 'who is' would also help with how smooth the story reads!

Overall... This was a great start to a novel, and I can't wait to read the other parts! Happy writing :D

With Love,
Leya




twiggy says...


thank you so much for the review! i feel like you really understood everything I was trying to portray. thanks so much, you had great suggestions!



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Tue Dec 12, 2023 5:55 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review! This is my first review in a long while, so please bear with me!

Things I liked:

I love stories with child protagonists because of the unique perspective it brings in the story. There's also a lot of scope for development which makes your readers feel like a part of the process/journey rather than a silent audience. That's something I really liked about your work - I could really connect with your protagonists' voice which made me feel more connected to the story.

I liked the way you opened the story. Although it was a bit vague, it immediately made me want to read more and know more about the character and their story. And when the initial graveness of the introduction gives way to a more naive and innocent child's voice, it made me even more curious since we don't usually expect 12 year old children to ponder about death. This makes me wonder if death is going to play a central role in the story, especially given the sister's illness that is introduced later in the story.

Something I really liked is the way you introduced your characters and established their relationship to the protagonist. They weren't deep or informative but followed our protagonist's natural impression of them based on the experiences and relationship she shares with them. For example, in the introduction of Mark, she mentions how he is easily overwhelmed by his emotions since their sister's illness, but instead of delving deep or even pondering about the reasons behind it, she completely diverts from that thought and moves on to his physical descriptions, calling him 'cute'. It almost made me smile when she next mentioned that he loves baseball, because it is random and has no relation to her earlier thoughts.

In fact, the lack of structure in the story is a really cool way of portraying a child's narration. Most of her thoughts are random and I felt as if I could 'see' them shift and divert to different paths as she continued with her narration.

I also loved the sister's introduction - we didn't get any deep reflection on her character, just the protagonist's natural observations of her sister. But the care and affection was apparent, especially near the end when she says she takes care of her sister more than her sister takes care of her or she takes care of herself. Despite the childish narration that we follow throughout, this is where the gravity of the situation hits in. Because we know that a child is not supposed to bear such a burden or even be aware of it. I am very interested to wee where you go from here!

Some things you can work on:

There are some grammatical errors throughout the chapter but they can be easily dealt with just some re-reading and editing. I am pointing out a few instances:

My dad is six feet tall and lean, but not skinny-brown hair and blue eyes, dark eyebrows, and an oblong face. My mom is average-brown hair and eyes, attractively thin.

Here, it will be 'My dad is six feet tall and lean, but has skinny-brown hair and blue eyes, dark eyebrows, and an oblong face. My mom has average-brown hair and eyes, attractively thin.'

There were also some instances where I felt it would have been better if you had expanded on some points. For example,

They are cool, nice, funny, silly, weird, helpful, and understanding, and they more or less like the same stuff that I do. Which is reading, writing, climbing trees, daydreaming, thinking, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

Here it feels as if you are listing off attributes and activities they have in common when I feel it would have been more impactful if you had associated some of them with certain memories, since that is something children usually do. For example, you could mention one instance where her friends were helpful or understanding towards her or where they enjoyed one of their favourite activities together. It would have felt more natural and we would have been able to experience their friendship instead of just being told about it.

I've never been introverted or shy, but I've also lived in a very small town where I know literally

I don't know if its a typo or an error on my end, but this seems like an incomplete sentence!

Overall, this was a really great introductory chapter. It establishes the character and her voice very well and makes us naturally curious to learn more about her life. The ending was strong and it leaves us on a sombre note as things don't look good for her sister. There are so many directions this could go and I am really excited to see which one you take!

Keep writing and have a great day/night!

~RandomTalks




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Tue Dec 12, 2023 11:33 am
PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.


Per my interpretation, this was an interesting start to a novel! We learn a lot of information about all of the characters and what's going on in their lives.

It's a story from the perspective of a young girl who is experiencing a lot of trouble. She was born extremely premature, and that's affecting her quality of life so much that it's to the point where she's getting made fun of and feels like she doesn't fit in anywhere. She's also moving, and her sister got really sick, which took a toll on her mentally.

While this is an interesting setup and it was a lot of fun to read and learn about the characters, it doesn't feel like there's much direction in the story, but usually there's not in the first chapter, so I'll have to check out the next one.


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be two somewhat small things. One's a grammar issue, and the other's just a small thing with your phrasing.

With the grammar issue, I don't want to be that person, but you used the wrong "their" in this chapter.

I made it out of their mostly unscathed, miraculously.


This isn't a huge issue, but it should definitely say "there" instead.

The next is something that just confused me a little bit. I think you overused dashes in some parts, and that kind of made for some interesting reads.

For example,

But he's still a cute little kid. He has huge blue eyes and long eyelashes, and floppy nut-brown hair. He also loves baseball-he's the most passionate eight-year-old I know.


Because you used dashes to separate things throughout the story, it kind of seems like you're saying (not to be funny) that he has a floppy nut and brown hair.

Now, the way you did this isn't wrong. You would use a dash to say "nut-brown." However, if you're going to do that, I would change the second sentence to a semicolon or long dash (—) instead. Like this:

He also loves baseball; he's the most passionate eight-year-old I know.


But, obviously, both of these are just suggestions, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, it would be the way you actually wrote this as if a young kid were speaking it. You did a really great job portraying the thoughts of a twelve-year-old kid.

One example that I really liked was when she was talking about her father and the issues he had.

He has depression and PTSD which means he hates loud noises and gets really grumpy and really sad or really angry sometimes. I think he needs to move on-it happened 20 years ago-but I can understand how it would be hard.


It shows how naive and young the main character actually is—the way she chalks PTSD up to just being angry and hating loud noises.

It paints a really cool picture of who she is and shows her lack of understanding of the world, which makes for a really interesting main character.

Also, like I said before, it does a really good job making her seem as young as she is, and it truly seems like something a kid would believe, so kudos to you for making that happen.

I also really like the last sentence of this chapter, when the main character was talking about her sister, Lena.

I take care of her more than she takes care of me. More than I take care of me.


It did a fantastic job showing how much she actually loves and cares about her and how she prioritizes her sister's well-being over her own.

It adds a lot of depth to the character and makes it more interesting to read about them, which is really cool and an accomplishment to be able to do, so good job on your end!


Overall, this was great! There's definitely room for improvement. But there always is for everyone! I definitely enjoyed the way you showed the characters, and I look forward to learning more about them!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review was of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!




twiggy says...


thank you so much for the review!!!




More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes