Young Writers Society

I do apologize this is not one of my best works and I don't like this poem as much myself. I will definitely have a better piece out soon!

Hey thegayestwriterever! Atticus here with a review for you.

Right off the bat, I really enjoy the structure here. You create an actual sense of drowning and sinking with the way that you organize the words. It's impactful and powerful, and creative. It was my favorite part of the story, to be sure! I also really enjoyed the sentence structure of the beginning part. It feels like the crescendo of sentence length matched the rushing of water, the frantic breaths, the atmosphere of drowning. It's very subtle, but well-executed. The rhyming scheme also adds a strong sense of rhythm that adds a poetic feel and touch.

One part of the poem I didn't fully understand was the switch to third person for "It's drowning // It's drowning // It never makes a sound". Previously, I had thought that the narrator was the person drowning, so referring to the narrator in the third person after using first person in the beginning was confusing to me. I'm unclear if this is a stylistic choice to separate the narrator from the person drowning, like the narrator depersonifying themself, or if something else is drowning, like perhaps the pain and emotions themself? Or the relationship?

I'm also curious on whether the lack of punctuation in the first stanza is a stylistic choice. I'm not certain it's achieving what you want it to achieve. It does add to a rushed, frantic feeling by not granting natural pauses, which is consistent with the idea of gasping for breath. On the other hand, it seems almost sloppy, like an oversight. I can't quite pinpoint why it doesn't feel deliberate; maybe because the rest of the structure of the poem is so intentional? Sorry these thoughts are so jumbled and inconclusive; I'm kind of on the fence on whether I would recommend keeping this how it is, or if it should be changed. But hopefully the thought process of the pros and cons of how it is now is helpful in your revisions.

Overall, this was an enjoyable poem! I liked the way you played with structure to create a literal sense of sinking. The rhyme scheme was well done and subtle, and the crescendo of the sentences in the beginning stanza was an excellent touch. This was an immersive poem that played on some familiar themes in a new and exciting way. Great work here, and if you have any questions, feel free to reach out!

Best,
Atticus

Hello friend! First of all, you mentioned this is not one of your best works? Wow, I thought it was awesome I seriously look forward to the next poems you post on YWS and will be sure to stop by and read those too!!

Without you I’m lost with no destination for my emotions. Everything I’ve done without you has been completed in slow motion.

With you I’m found and I move faster than the waves of an ocean. I’ve tried to swim without you yet I sink and fall until I hear little to no comotion. I hear your voice but my pain doesn’t make a sound.

Hello, I'm going to do a review now.

Overall, I see this poem as good. The space between the last 3 lines makes each one hit me harder. The poem, as far as I can tell, is about longing for someone. Longing to be with someone who is really important to you, and not knowing how to function without them (I know the feeling, my fellow human).

I don't see anything that needs to be changed or corrected. It does feel a bit rushed, but that's OK.

Thoughts:
I like the poem. It is very good, and I don't really have any criticisms to make.