I like this!
The sheer vulnerability here is striking! You’ve opened a door to a deeply internal and painful space, and it’s clear that this is an important and cathartic piece of writing for you. I think that is what the best writing is, after all! The intensity of the conflict between faith, self-perception, and external expectations does resonate with me, and I imagine other people would agree with that.
You use many generalizations over specific instances, though. That can hold a story back. While the emotions are clear, I believe the narrative leans on broad statements about guilt and fear. There is nothing anchoring the readers to the unique moments. What did it feel like the first time you recognized your attraction? Or when you sat in church, grappling with sermons about sin?
Suggestions:
- Explore more about your feelings beyond external expectations. For example, how did this realization change how you saw yourself? Was there any moment of clarity or peace amidst the chaos? Those are real questions to ask!
- Expand on the bubble wrap motif. The metaphor itself is very unique, but it has a weak role here. Consider weaving it more deeply into the narrative, or explore how it felt to see it “pop” or fail. That adds depth.
- Right now, the ending feels conclusive but overwhelmingly heavy. I think that adding a small note of curiosity or strength, even if it’s just a spark, could make it more powerful. It would not compromise the narrative, either.
You are touching on something painfully relatable here! You have to let this story breathe, and let your voice carry it to its fullest potential.
All the best!
Points: 4659
Reviews: 33
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