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E - Everyone

cover me in bubble wrap.

by thegayestwriterever


For the longest time of my life I was taught that there is a heaven and a hell. That there is a wrong and a right. That if my actions didn’t align with my beliefs then I was damned to hell no matter my constant cries for redemption and forgiveness. When I was 11 I labeled myself as bisexual since I liked girls and guys but I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t being faithful to my savior. I felt as if it wasn’t right to be gay when I praised someone who said this wasn’t right, that this would get me turned away from those golden gates that I had so desperately wanted to walk through and step my feet on those clouds that felt like silk and sheep wool. I went home from a long school day and looked up on my phone: “Is it okay to be Christian and gay?” and my eyes were greeted with No’s and You'll go to hell articles. I felt my heart sink in the pool of my tears as I held my phone and head in my hands and thought this was my fate forever. I couldn’t change how I felt about my attraction towards girls. Did I really have to throw my feelings aside for God? My parents spent years teaching me about our religion and I went to church every Sunday to learn even more about who gave me the grace to walk this Earth and now I was popping the bubble wrap my parents and pastors spent their precious time so carefully wrapping around me. Would God now hate me? Would Satan take my soul and throw my sinful carcass to the wolves for them to feast on? I was left shaking in my bed with my pathetic tears and I had answered the question I had been scared to ask since the day I label myself. My father always told me that laying down with the same sex or having an attraction towards one's own gender wasn’t okay and that both of those people who committed such atrocity would be casted to pits of flames and sin filled souls. I would always listen to him and study his words and I promised myself that I would never do such a thing or feel such a way. Now I was a sinner and a liar. This bubble wrap didn’t protect me from how I felt. Even though I prayed every night and day and went to church every Sunday. I was letting other people's words dictate how I felt. This was all my fault. Now I will forever play victim in my head and let guilt reside eternally in my mind, body, and soul. 

My soul has sinned with love for others and forever I will never conform with my past self. 


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Sun Dec 08, 2024 2:52 am
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Helvetia wrote a review...



I like this!

The sheer vulnerability here is striking! You’ve opened a door to a deeply internal and painful space, and it’s clear that this is an important and cathartic piece of writing for you. I think that is what the best writing is, after all! The intensity of the conflict between faith, self-perception, and external expectations does resonate with me, and I imagine other people would agree with that.

You use many generalizations over specific instances, though. That can hold a story back. While the emotions are clear, I believe the narrative leans on broad statements about guilt and fear. There is nothing anchoring the readers to the unique moments. What did it feel like the first time you recognized your attraction? Or when you sat in church, grappling with sermons about sin?

Suggestions:
- Explore more about your feelings beyond external expectations. For example, how did this realization change how you saw yourself? Was there any moment of clarity or peace amidst the chaos? Those are real questions to ask!
- Expand on the bubble wrap motif. The metaphor itself is very unique, but it has a weak role here. Consider weaving it more deeply into the narrative, or explore how it felt to see it “pop” or fail. That adds depth.
- Right now, the ending feels conclusive but overwhelmingly heavy. I think that adding a small note of curiosity or strength, even if it’s just a spark, could make it more powerful. It would not compromise the narrative, either.

You are touching on something painfully relatable here! You have to let this story breathe, and let your voice carry it to its fullest potential.

All the best!




thegayestwriterever says...


Thank you so much for the suggestions! I take them kindly!



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Sun Dec 08, 2024 1:07 am
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EllieMae wrote a review...



Hey there, friend :D To start, I want to say thank you so much for posting such a vulnerable piece here! I can imagine that it takes a lot of courage to open up about something like this (of course, if this is your story) so thanks so much for being here and sharing this! :D

You talk about a subject that is really important to talk about. So, you talk about how you were raised in a way that helped you develop faith, and a Christian upbringing. But, when you were 11, you realize that you were bisexual and once you realize this, it brought you a lot of stress in your life. I like the formatting of this. It feels very straightforward, it's not organized in stanza or paragraphs, but instead, it's just one long paragraph where you describe from start to finish your experience. It feels more like a vent or some kind of speech. Awesome work!

For the longest time of my life I was taught that there is a heaven and a hell. That there is a wrong and a right.


Right from the start, you do a great job at explaining what your beliefs were at the time. You believe that there was a right or wrong, and so the sets up really well when you start to explore other aspects of yourself that perhaps didn't line up with your previous beliefs. You do a great job at describing the intense stress that you went through. That must've been so incredibly hard.

Did I really have to throw my feelings aside for God? My parents spent years teaching me about our religion and I went to church every Sunday to learn even more about who gave me the grace to walk this Earth and now I was popping the bubble wrap my parents and pastors spent their precious time so carefully wrapping around me. Would God now hate me?


This really felt like the turning point of this piece. I love what you did here, where you ask questions. We get a lot of the internal dialogue and struggle that you were going through as you had this change in your mind and how you want to live your life. You talk about how you had gone to church every Sunday, and started to have these other feelings that contradicted, you would be taught before. I can see that deep sense to still want to be loved by God and not throw away what you had, but also wanting to be yourself and love.

Now I was a sinner and a liar. This bubble wrap didn’t protect me from how I felt.


I like how straightforward you are with your sentences. Every sentence in this piece is so valuable and personal and meaningful in every way. You're feelings are so valid. I love this example that you use with the bubble wrap. It's like you were wrapped up and protected by something, but even though the outside was covered, but was on the inside was still there. You can't change who you are, and these feelings that you have. Even though you were doing all of the "right" things by praying and attending church. I like at the end, how you talk about how you have "send with love" which seems to be a contradiction and itself, you know what I mean? But you say it in such a beautiful untrue way. I like how you tell us how you have changed from being your past self, and how you will never be able to conform with that way again. I feel very similarly, not an exactly the same way that you describe in this piece, but in other aspects of religion and growing up and changing who you are. Overall, thanks so much for sharing this, and you were really amazing and I am so proud of you! I look forward to reading more of what you have posted.

Your friend,
Ellie





When something is broken, it can be fixed.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe