Young Writers Society

Hey! Cello here for a review!

Let's jump right in-

We were too shy to see at each other

Because now we're like mirrors!

Those are the best moments we enjoyed!.

Because it's all so worth while!

you're more than a friend to me

you're my teacher to guide

you're more than a sister...

like a mother to care me as your child!

Hello supZ,

Welcome to YWS! I'm glad you joined us.

I'm going to be following this style of review if you want to take a look at the article to get a better understanding of it. The YWS Critique Sandwich
It's how we encourage all YWS members to review, so it's a useful article to have.

First, what I liked about the poem was that you were allowing your creativity to show. You were exploring the ways that these words played off each other from what I could see and that made a nice flow for the poem.

Second, things you could work on. I think the main thing I would like to see you work on is the consistency of the poem. In some spots you have a good flow, and in other spots you don't. I think this might be because you went back and changed something? What I'm talking about is where the lines don't really fit together next to one another. If you read the poem aloud, the lines I'm speaking about are 3 and 4. While I see that it looks like you're going for a title (are you?) to something the title doesn't flow smoothly with the words that come before and after it. It reads awkwardly because it doesn't fit in the sentence. This makes the poem jerky and inconsistent. Also in the third to last line, the use of "to" is confusing.

One of the ways you can fix this is to read your poem cold and read it out loud if you get the opportunity. If you don't, then try to develop enough of a mental voice that you can read aloud in your head and just read the poem again after a couple hours or after a few days. This should help you hear what's wrong as long as you make sure you're not reading what you wanted it to say rather than what you said.

Third, in conclusion, I would like to see you work on consistency in your poem. You have good flow in some parts, but not in others so I would like to see the flow you have used throughout the entire poem. You do a good job with it so do a good job with it everywhere. I hope to see more of your work on YWS!

As a couple side notes for YWS in particular, you might also want to check out these links:

How to Format Poetry
Poetry Tutorials Article Index

-Aley

Hi there and Welcome to YWS, I'm here to Review this work.

Unfortunately (this is for your description) 1 great friend is WAY better than 1000 friends.

Anyways this poem was a bit hard to interpret since you were all over the place, I see no need for the bolded words so maybe put them back to normal. Halfway through I noticed you were talking about a friendship but it apparently It did in fact end which makes your title a moot point. As we near the end you confused me again,

you're my teacher to guide you're more than a sister...like a mother to care me as your child!

Hello there supz!

I see you are a very new member, so WELCOME TO YWS!!!! I hope you enjoy it here as much as I do. IF you need anything reviewed, let me know. I go on this site daily.

I have a few nitpicks for you. Overall this poem shows how I feel about a cousin I recently met. I live in america, he lives in Poland. I recently went on a trip there and met him for the first time. So this poem actually speaks the emotions I feel about him now that I'm back in america. Head's up:
YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT BY THE GRAMMAR POLICE! REASON BEING:

"We were too shy to see at each other"

Maybe you meant

"We were too shy to see each other,"

"Those are the best moments we enjoyed!."
I feel like that period after the exclamation mark shouldn't be there.
Maybe either do the exclamation mark OR the period, not both.

"like a mother to care me as your child!"

I think maybe you should write,

"Like a mother to care for me as your child!"

Capitalize the L and add for in between care and me. the previous one didn't make much sense.

"you're my teacher to guide"

Maybe you meant:

"you're my teacher and guide"

and lastly,

"I cannot regret the time I spent"

I personally would write

"I cannot regret the time we spent"

Because you didn't spend it alone, you spent it with someone else, so I think we fits a little better.

Other wise great job and I look forward to seeing more of your work!