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remember these

by soundofmind



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291 Reviews


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Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:38 pm
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DemonGoddess wrote a review...



Hello soundofmind! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
remember these:
a rope pulled taught between the trees
we try trapeze
we hesitate, when there's a breeze
we quiver; hold {our hands} between our knees
our old, forgotten{ }memories.

they slip between {what are they?}
our ankles - wipe our minds clean
we forget {"forget" doesn't rhyme with the rest of the stanza and throws the flow off}
what these things mean
we totter, fall into the green{?}
remember: here in the unseen
expect the unforeseen


My interpretation:



This is about growing up and how you loose the innocence of childhood, huh?

Overall:



I did sincerely like this. It deserves the literary spotlight :) Keep up the great work!

Just a side note: either you do punctuation or you don't. So either you have the punctuation or you do not in your poem :wink: just wanted to put in my two cents.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Thu Dec 07, 2017 4:39 pm
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ellasnotebook wrote a review...



Hello! I really liked this poem! I like the consistent imagery and the idea of a trapeze.

Here's one thing I noticed- the last line in the second stanza has rhythm issues. It might have been intentional, but with the second to last line in the second stanza having the same amount of syllables as the second to last line in the first stanza, the changing rhythm sounds a little awkward.

You should try making "our old, forgotten, memories" and "expect the unforeseen" have the same amount of syllables.

Other than that, this was a really good poem! I actually really enjoyed reading it. I love the first stanza, and how you used the tightrope. Keep writing!

ella




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291 Reviews


Points: 25447
Reviews: 291

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Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:54 pm
DemonGoddess says...



REMEMBER MEEEEE

REMEMBER ME FOR CENTURIES





I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart; I am, I am, I am.
— Sylvia Plath