Young Writers Society

Hello!
Sorry for typos, I'm typing this on my phone.
This is a cool poem and a good tribute to an ancestor. I always think poems about ancestors we've never met are really fascinating and a good well of inspiration to draw on.
This was also a really good narrative to choose. The image of a pale face appearing in the doorway, a family member who's supposed to be dead, it's a really rich vein to draw from. Maybe it's even too big.
Richard Price once said, "The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don't write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid's burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance."
I was really wanting some smaller details with deeper imagery and more sensory details. You have more in this poem than a lot of the poetry I read on yws, but it's still not enough to suit my craving for imsgery, and imagery is most effective ehen it is ficused on a narrow detail. I'm not sure what detail I might recomend for you. The red puddle? The ghostly apparition? Holding the ambulance's hand (that bit captured my attention)?

Next, I feellike your poem was constrained in a bad way by your rhythm and rhyme. I like poems with rhythm and rhyme, but it took me forever to figure out how the pros can make it seem natural so you don't even notice it's there. That's the goal and the sign of mastery. One of the best tools I know of to that end is enjambment. All if your phrases end at the end of the line. That makes for a choppy rhythm and puts extra rmphasis on the meter and rhyme in a bad way. meter and rhyme put emphasis on themselves already. there's no need to accentuate it. Try continuing the thought into the next line and ending the phrase in the middle of the line. this may necessitate some punctuation. Also, you had some eeird phrases that were obviously written that way just to maintain the meter and rhyme. Nearly all of the 4th lines in your stanzas felt significantly weaker than your other lines, and this was because they had to rhyme. Why not try writing this in free verse? It's clear you have a great idea here. I usually use structured poems when I don't have anything to say in particular but I want to erite a poem. The formal constraints help me get a poem into paper, but when I already have an idea, I find the constraints too... well, constrictive. You might not be the same way, but try it out! Write what you really want to say about this without formal fears and make sure to use lots of imagery!!

Sime tiny things:
where’s your name and where’s your papers?
I want this to be what's your name and where're your papers?

I noticed a change of tense in here a couple times that confused me a bit. is this supposed to be in past or present, or does the switching represent something?

Anyway, I think this is a cool poem! Thanks for sharing it :]
Keep writing!
-Rook

Ok, sound, this was incredible. It's the best poem I've ever read and I am not exaggerating when I say that. Granted, I love war stuff like this, as you may know, so this poem catered directly to my interests.

Onto the actual review. Grammar/capitalization-wise, I only have one comment.

war is hell, and I’d believe you

where’s your name and where’s your papers?

Hey there, sound! Nite here to review. Forgive me if I'm a bit rusty.

So we'll start with the stuff I liked. First and last stanzas are powerful and the story is compelling. That first line "death spreads like a rumor" isn't something I've heard before, and it's especially interesting in comparison with the subtitle, as you telling this story about an ancestor you've never met is in itself, like a rumor of sorts, a story that survived the man. I also love the middle stanza and the flow of the line "died in action though your actions made it hard to carry on".

Some minor critiques.

"once you drove the lead in convoy
held the ambulance’s hand"

This is a little clunky. He's...holding a vehicle's hand? Sometimes personification works, but this isn't doing it for me. The hand/land rhyme also feels a bit forced to me. Maybe there's a more natural way to write this?

though you were no apparition
you were shut into the night
took a week for her to realize
that her sources were not right

Oh my goodness. This is such an absolutely amazing poem, I can't even function right now. I don't have any comments other than FANTASTIC job. Wow.

-Book_Dragon