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a part of me died

by soundofmind


every other day I wake up and I feel like a part of me died
a hollow feeling in my chest, stirring anxiety inside
self doubt's the first ingredient to this tumultuous concoction
collective self afflicting lies i bartered at an auction
can't convince my convoluted carcass to create a path to clarity
my mind's a minefield of murderous accusations not a charity
waiting in anticipation, creations of my hands only a temporal salvation
but soon my thoughts will venture deep - change the narration
self flagellation is a cursed kind of station
birthed from fear and pain, the fiend's foundation

every other day I wake up and I feel like a part of me cried
in my sleep there's a mourning, a sorrow rooted deep inside
wishing for those clearer skies, unresolved grief contrived
to steal my joy as long as I let it - forget it - what survived
regardless of the healing i've been deprived
was a half-alive, five times revived, still pumping heart put in overdrive
i know i tried too hard to sustain, the fluttering beats of a heart in pain
in my own strength i sewed alone, the wounds afflicted -
flesh turned to stone, emotion evicted
because it hurts too much, i worked too much, failed too much

every other day I wake up and I feel like a part of me died
the same dejected waste of thoughts - is there a try inside
can I get up off my butt and attempt to reverse my own demise
how do: cultivation of motivation for a second chance to immortalize
a better version of myself if only i could tell myself a meaningful encouragement to pull myself out of the pit but words are always meaningless if there is no conviction so i tell myself one thing, i say:
what are you living for? is it approval?
'cause truly, if so, then let the removal begin
because you don't need this dependence on temporary things
and the opinions of this age really mean nothing to you
when did your direction and affections get so off that
you needed complete vision correction - here’s truth - as an interjection

every other day you wake up, and you know that a part of you died
but there’s something inside you that’s not - there’s a heart that is so alive
feel the beat, know the heat, re-re-re-peat, a thump thump thump
i know you knew, through and through: there’s peace, joy, hope, and believing in truth
the Spirit of the living God inside, covered by the blood of Christ
freedom, that you can’t deny. salvation - worked out through fear and trembling
i know it’s overwhelming, when all you see is your weakness
but look to God your strength, the God of grace and meekness
it’s never hopeless - you were once dead, now alive
brought from the darkness to the kingdom of light
you have a friend who cares and sees and knows and wants to provide
that strength - light you high on eagles’ wings and fly
that’s why

I ask: “Why are you downcast oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”


A/N: The first line is a link to me (doing my best) rapping this if you wanna hear how it sounds.


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Tue Sep 26, 2017 2:33 pm
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amelie says...



so good. so goooooooddd




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Tue Sep 26, 2017 1:44 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



I'm finally here.

Hi there Soundofmind. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on this rap of yours as I take my notes during Science class. I thought I'd share my thoughts on your rap in the meantime so that being said, without further ado, let's review.

I have to say that I quite enjoyed this quite a bit, for starters. I know I've already informed you of the fact, but the rap is solid especially when I know you're a little new to the game of not music, but the hip-hop genre as far as I know (perhaps the wave of rap that's been written lately is semi-inspired by @Arcticus who also has some pretty sick rhymes).

Going off of memory because I don't have the source material to look at as I write this, the vocabulary is quite strong and advanced compared to other rap or hip-hop that leans more mainstream although mainstream doesn't always equal bad (and going back to the strong vocabulary, there are other rappers out there that have this strength and I highly suggest you listen to or check out both Atlas and Samsa because while the two aren't fully strong vocabulary-based, both are lovely and I think you'd like them because they're based in more chill beats and discuss topics differently than the more loud or vocal genre of rap). To be completely honest, I love rap and hip-hop as genres as much as any other genre (not all of course because I don't like all music in a genre, do I?) and this reminded me of those two smaller more chill rappers that talk about subjects that may be similar.

Anyway, moving off of that recommendation session and ramble, the largest fault here is probably the flow or timing. I don't find this to be an absolutely huge problem and I can look past that and still listen to this and love this with a lot of glee but I'm going to suggest working on the rhyming and timing a bit more for the best possible flow. The flow most definitely revolves around the beat in rap similar to how the flow in poetry is based in the punctuation and diction (wording). This means that the rap should be based around those pre-made (that's actually a question I had, are you rapping over somebody else's work or are these your beats? I'm going to assume that you didn't make them but I won't be too surprised if you did since you're a musical genius.) beats.

I have to commend you for the repetition that begins each verse although I'm going to suggest playing around with the structure for fun (perhaps adding a chorus in if you wanted to) because I'm neutral to change. I love this the way this is but I'm also interested in seeing remixed or different versions. That's pretty optional. Back to the repetition, I have to say that this element is pretty masterfully done and used to make the themes of the lyrics clear and the way that the repetition brings us back to the main message is great. Overall, Sound? I loved this. While the rhymes and timing are a bit of a mess and are more of a blob than a real structure I don't mind that and I enjoyed this quite a bit, friend. There are parts where the flow is messy and I suggest looking this over again to fix those up for the best possible outcome, but yes! Lovely, lovely, lovely.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image

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soundofmind says...


YES. yES. *clap* MmmMYEs, much agreement here. I rapped this over someone else's beat mostly just to experiment with finding a rhythm. I'm fully aware that I really didn't and it's kind of a mess haha. I want to make my own beat but I don't know enough about making them - though I did recently find a resource called HumBeatz? (only time in my life I've been able to thank youtube for their ads for directing me to something useful) I haven't tried it but I'm gonna see if it helps with making beat loops?

But yeah, I think in terms of flow and timing it didn't land well because I was using someone else's beat, not one made for my rap. I'm not proud of the fact that I used someone else's (it's one of jinsang's) but what can I say, I didn't know what to do and didn't put in the effort to figure it out haha (YET).

SO HAPPY you liked the vocabulary though. Word choice is like my fav thing to play with in raps and poems I write, so when people say they like it I'm like OH. OH. BRB SOBBING.

ALSO HAPPY U LIKED THE REPETITION. AND ENJOYED THIS MESS OF A RAP. I LOVE YOU FOR THIS REVIEW, THANK YOU SO SO MUCH



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Mon Sep 25, 2017 12:36 am
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sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a quick review!

I have a deadly headache, so don't expect a well-developed review from me, haha. Anyways, here's a quick but maybe somewhat helpful review.

I really loved this! The poetry was well-constructed, and the rhymes didn't make the poem fall apart. And as always, you're beautiful voice and hardcore MLG rapping skills made the piece a thousand times better. I listened to the recording as I went, and so I feel like I got the full experience. You really have a knack for song/rapwriting, and I definitely can't wait to hear and see more from you.

My only real comment is more of a question. What exactly was the significance of the lines which are longer than the others? The ones in italics? While they seem more important, I can't see a reason to not split them like the rest of the piece. I dunno, I'm sure you've got a reason for it. Was just curious. Cause if you stint have reason, then it doesn't really need to be there, right?

Overall, great job! Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing more from you! Sorry this review was garbage, I can't really focus but wanted to review this piece. :/

~Shey~




soundofmind says...


THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEW!! I'm glad you liked it. As far as the italics and stuff goes it's more just to set them apart to show that stylistically they're a little different I guess? That was most of my thought behind it haha



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Sun Sep 24, 2017 7:17 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hey, soundofmind! How's James? Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

So I couldn't listen to the link because first of all I'm banned from my phone because I was stupid and second of all it was blocked on my school computer and third I'm pretending to do homework that I actually finished in school so if my parents catch me that won't be good :3

So I'm gonna go stanza by stanza.

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

First stanza:

Spoiler! :
every other day I wake up and I feel like a part of me died {the second "I" and the word "other" is interrupting the flow for me...}
a hollow feeling in my chest, stirring anxiety inside
self doubt's the first ingredient to this tumultuous concoction
collective self afflicting lies i bartered at an auction
can't convince my convoluted carcass to create a path to clarity
my mind's a minefield of murderous accusations not a charity {I think that if you changed this line to make the rhyming word into something else like these words, then it'll flow better. But that's probably just me.}
waiting in anticipation, creations of my hands only a temporal salvation {Remove "only" to make it flow better}
but soon my thoughts will venture deep - change the narration
self flagellation is a cursed kind of station
birthed from fear and pain, the fiend's foundation {I would add a word to keep the flow here


Second stanza:

Spoiler! :
every other day I wake up and I feel like a part of me cried {here too, remove the second "I" and remove "other." Also, I noticed that this is the only stanza where there's a word other than "died" in the first line. "every day I wake up and I feel like a part of me died" would work here too}
in my sleep there's a mourning, a sorrow rooted deep inside
wishing for those clearer skies, unresolved grief contrived
to steal my joy as long as I let it - forget it - what survived {This was kind of confusing...}
regardless of the healing i've been deprived
was a half-alive, five times revived, still pumping heart put in overdrive {deprived and overdrive don't rhyme that well}
i know i tried too hard to sustain, the fluttering beats of a heart in pain {Put these in two separate lines to keep the rhythm and rhyme flow}
in my own strength i sewed alone, the wounds afflicted -
flesh turned stone to the touch, emotion evicted {I would change the line "flesh turned stone to the touch" to "flesh turned to stone"}
because it hurts too much, i worked too much, i'm a desert
explains the dirt, the sweat stains on my t-shirt {again, desert and t-shirt don't rhyme that well}


Third stanza:

Spoiler! :
every other day I wake up and I feel like a part of me died {You know what I'm going to say, right?}
the same dejected waste of thoughts - is there a try inside {Insert a question mark after "inside" since this is a question. Also, put quotation marks around "try."}
can I get up off my butt and attempt to reverse my own demise
how do: cultivation of motivation for a second chance to immortalize {This confused me...}
a better version of myself if only i could tell myself a meaningful encouragement to pull myself out of the pit but words are always meaningless if there is no conviction so i tell myself one thing, i say: {This line is way too long. Break it up}
what are you living for? is it approval?
'cause truly, if so, then let the removal begin
because you don't need this dependence on temporary things
and the opinions of this age really mean nothing to you
when did your direction and affections get so off that
you needed complete vision correction - here’s truth - as an interjection {The lines above don't rhyme like the rest of the rap...


Fourth stanza:

Spoiler! :
every other day you wake up, and you know that a part of you died
but there’s something inside you that’s not - there’s a heart that is so alive {change "that is" to "that's" to keep the flow}
feel the beat, know the heat, re-re-re-peat, a thump thump thump
i know you knew, through and through: there’s peace, joy, hope, and believing in truth
the Spirit of the living God inside, covered by the blood of Christ {Well crap I'm an atheist}
freedom, that you can’t deny. salvation - worked out through fear and trembling
i know it’s overwhelming, when all you see is your weakness
but look to God your strength, the God of grace and meekness
it’s never hopeless - you were once dead, now alive
brought from the darkness to the kingdom of light
you have a friend who cares and sees and knows and wants to provide
that strength - light you high on eagles’ wings and fly
that’s why A lot of this doesn't rhyme like the rest of the lyrics...

I ask: “Why are you downcast oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”


One last suggestion: Instead of putting it under Poetry: Lyrical, General, put it under Lyrics: Realistic, General. Lyrical in the genres means a lyrical poem, not lyrics. :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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soundofmind says...


(James is fine, maybe) HELLO! Thank you very much for the review!! It's interesting to hear your thoughts on the flow from the perspective of someone who hasn't heard it and is just reading it!



zaminami says...


Yo welcome :D



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Sun Sep 24, 2017 7:12 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



I'm on a train so I can't listen to the audio unfortunately. I'll try to give feedback on the flow and word choices though.

Specifics

1.

every other day I wake up and I feel like a part of me died
a hollow feeling in my chest, stirring anxiety inside
I think the first line has quite a few more beats than the second and would flow better if you leave out the second 'I'. You'll still be one beat over but that's not as noticeable.

2. Okay so you need some full stops in this first stanza so your reader knows when the rapper is stopping to take a breath! I imagine if I could put the audio on I'd be able to point out where they are but add a few in please.

3. I really like the line 'collective self afflicting lies i bartered at an auction' but you forgot to capitalise the I by the way and I only noticed that when I went to quote it :p

4.
can't convince my convoluted carcass to create a path to clarity
I think convoluted is a bit of a tricky word here. It feels too heavy and maybe you make it work in the audio but reading through, I feel like it's really slowing down the flow.

5.
self flagellation is a cursed kind of station
birthed from fear and pain, the fiend's foundation
This doesn't feel like a solid ending - the flow feels like it's a pausing point rather than a stopping point if that makes sense? I think it's that comma in the last line. Like, if it was 'birthed from fear ad pain of the fiend's foundation' then it would feel like a complete sentence and an end point but because it's two slightly fragmented pieced joined by a comma, it feels like the end hasn't been reached yet.

6.
in my own strength i sewed alone, the wounds afflicted -
flesh turned stone to the touch, emotion evicted
because it hurts too much, i worked too much, i'm a desert
explains the dirt, the sweat stains on my t-shirt
I'm not sure the image of the desert fits here, it feels quite forced and I'm not sure that working too much is a lead in as a desert is a quiet empty place but the imagery before that was suggesting toil and work and felt to me like more of a busy kind of image. I'm also not sure I like the switch from the emotional/ mental descriptions to the physical quip about the dirt and stains on the t-shirt.

7.
can I get up off my butt and attempt to reverse my own demise
This seems to contradict the imagery around working too hard.

8.
a better version of myself if only i could tell myself a meaningful encouragement to pull myself out of the pit but words are always meaningless if there is no conviction so i tell myself one thing, i say:
This feels a bit too run on and there aren't any rhymes so I'm not sure how well it fits. It feels quite out of place with the rest of the style.

9.
every other day you wake up, and you know that a part of you died
but there’s something inside you that’s not - there’s a heart that is so alive
feel the beat, know the heat, re-re-re-peat, a thump thump thump
i know you knew, through and through: there’s peace, joy, hope, and believing in truth
the Spirit of the living God inside, covered by the blood of Christ
freedom, that you can’t deny. salvation - worked out through fear and trembling
i know it’s overwhelming, when all you see is your weakness


I like that you flip this around to looking at the positives but I feel like there needs to be some more solid imagery here. You later have 'eagles wings' but that's a very common song image and it feels like there's no particular - yes! That's what I live for! - moment here. Even for those who believe in God, there's not really any new image or new lesson which stands out. We're always told to live for peace and joy but what are those - what do they mean to you? What's the unique message/ image/ thing to grab on to here that should keep us getting out of bed in a morning? Is it because God has given us the means to plant flowers to make our world beautiful or because God has put the birds in the sky to remind us nothing ends on Earth? I'm not a believer myself but I'm still a sucker for descriptions of the world's wonders and unique ways of looking at them.

Overall

I think you've got some strong imagery and for the most part, the rhythm is very fast paced and relentless and that's exactly what you want in a rap but I felt like your imagery was weakest at the end, which really should't be the case. That's your big reveal moment and it should feel as original and explosive as the rest of the lyrics but instead you fall back on typical language which is used to describe God - you talk about praising him and about the living God and salvation. But what else - what's God to you? What's a specific example of what he's done or of how he's amazing?

Hope that helps a little!

~Heather




soundofmind says...


Thank you so much for your review!! Yes, this is very helpful, and I especially agree with you on 6 and 9!! The whole bit about the desert was forced, and I too didn't feel like it was a great pair of lines either. I'll have to go back and rewRITe. And yeah, I think the ending was weak in imagery because it was rushed, in part, and I ended up sticking to Biblical language and stuff that's familiar, but not particularly new or creative. I wanted to go a bit longer and elaborate on the hope part, and I think I definitely should. I think part of the (lame) reason why I cut it short though was that the track I was using as a beat for the rap (temporarily, I wanna make my own eventually) ended... hahahahah.

Lil note on 7 though, it's interesting that it came off as a contradiction! I dunno, I was thinking like - I work to control my emotions and always end up failing sort of thing, but you're right... hmm. I'll have to rethink that line!

OH, aND ON 2. How would you suggest I indicate stops? Just like, add actual commas and periods?? haha ^_^"""" because i neglected to do that ha



Rydia says...


On 7 perhaps if you phrased it more along the lines of 'i work so hard yet I still can't get off my butt...' then it would work because while it felt like a contradiction, we do live our lives in contradictions so acknowledging it would make it fine.

On 2 yes, just adding full stops and commas would help. It's something I think a lot of lyrics lack but it normally doesn't matter because the record company will work with the band to decide where to breathe but if you already know where that should happen, you should definitely put it in to prevent people misinterpreting the flow.



soundofmind says...


AAA thANK you for the suggestions!!! You are very right




Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor