Hi sound! Lim again with a review!
General Impressions
This was a pretty tense scene overall. I felt especially concerned for James when he stopped for the water! I get that Elliot needed to drink and he needed to wash out his wound, but I kept expecting Alexander to just pop up somewhere. And the ending of this chapter surprised me – I def hadn’t expected there to be wild horses running his way. I can’t remember if there were any hints to something like that going on in previous chapters, or if it’s just another complication that arises for James by the ‘virtue’ of being out in this somewhat wild region.
It always got messy when other people were around.
Hmm is this a hint at backstory? <.<
Glows – What I liked
I thought the characterization here was believable and consistent with what we know about James. He is clearly very focused on survival, so things that would ordinarily worry him like whether Elliot is getting enough rest or whatever happened to Clandestine kind of fade a little bit, though they’re still there. He has this more calculative state of mind, justifying it by saying it would “all be a waste” or “be for nothing” if he let his emotions overwhelm him and he got caught.
I also like the use of setting in the beginning of the chapter.
The sun overhead was white and blinding. The hills disappeared before and behind him in a blurred, midday haze of humid heat, and every time he looked back the black dot following him grew smaller.
The ‘blurriness’ these descriptions evoke kind of make my attention focus on just James and the bounty hunter, and then eventually just James. They also just create this desolate atmosphere, emphasizing how James is alone but for Elliot, when just a chapter ago he had Clandestine and the other cowherds.
Another thing I liked was how you developed the story arc. James manages to put some distance between himself and Alexander here, so it seems that his chances of getting away are increasing, but then just as things are getting better there’s another obstacle thrown in his way. That brings back the tension of the story and makes me eager to read on.
Grows – ideas to consider
Something that could be improved could be the descriptions. I feel like you could add more concrete description here without taking away from the pacing. For example, I liked:
Elliot practically melted into the stream as he dunked his head into it to cool off.
While the sentence runs on for a bit with those additional phrases (“as he dunked his head [into it [to cool off]]”) the specific verb “melted” does evoke a strong image of Elliot’s relief, which adds a layer of drama to this brief reprieve.
Particularly, I kind of wish there was more of that towards the end of the chapter, since it has this kind of dramatic cliffhanger ending with the appearance of wild horses.
Some kind of ... mass, disrupting the horizon line.
For example, perhaps you could add to this line what the mass sounds like? Maybe an indistinct rumbling and thundering that slowly he makes out to be hooves as they draw closer? Sensory stuff like that would help set the scene in my opinion.
I also thought that some of the figurative/ not-so-concrete language was a bit distracting. For instance, “deep black dart” as a metaphor for the bounty hunter’s horse was a bit odd, given that I usually wouldn’t compare a horse to a dart, and also James is looking at the bounty hunter who is directly behind him – would that still appear streak-like, like I imagine a dart would look while flying? Just a nitpick, but thought I would mention it. The image of “hundreds of papercuts . . . half-inch deep” I also found a bit hard to picture. This could just be a bias of mine towards literal + concrete descriptions – in the same paragraph the “sting” seemed to resonate more.
Overall
My favourite part of this is your consistent characterization and also the continuing rise and fall in the plot. My main suggestions for revision would be to consider your descriptions.
Hope this helps!
-Lim
Points: 33599
Reviews: 504
Donate