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Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon Chapter 6.2 (LMS VI)

by soundofmind


Chapter 6: Crawling In My Skin

James had to carefully consider his answer.

First, he didn't want her to ask any pressing questions about his past. If he alluded to having encountered any kinds of monsters in the past, that would only build the case she was already forming against him that he might've been a monster hunter before, or something like it. It wouldn't bother him if she thought that was true - in fact, it would be convenient if she did - but it wouldn't explain everything. There would be too many holes in that story, and he didn't know how persistent she would be to find answers before they reached the ranch.

He didn't want to have to endure another day with this kind of scrutiny, but he didn't have a choice in that. So he had to come up with a reasonable answer that would shut her up and buy him 24 hours.

But he'd already taken too long to think of an answer.

He looked down to the ground with a sigh, ready to admit something that was only partially true to explain the hesitation.

And then he heard the others. Head shooting up, he saw Percy and Kenneth had gotten up. Or rather, Percy had just woken Kenneth up by clapping loudly right next to his ear. Kenneth jolted up and immediately punched Percy in the gut.

"Hey!" Percy wheezed.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to do that?" Kenneth growled. "Seriously..."

Kenneth got up with a grumble, and Percy stood up holding his side, looking chastened. The commotion had been enough to wake Gregor, and once he got to his feet, James saw it as a natural escape from an unwanted conversation.

Getting to his feet, he glanced over at Clandestine.

"Looks like we ought to pack up," he said. "We'll be at the ranch soon."

The unspoken implication was that they'd be parting ways soon, and it didn't make sense to talk about things deeper than the surface. There was something on her face he couldn't quite read. Looking away, she seemed conflicted but ultimately bit her tongue. She nodded.

He could see the tense hesitation in her frame as she got up and walked off, reuniting with her horse, Billy.

Whatever it was, James was going to let her resolve it on her own. He had other things in mind. Like getting on the road again, and getting far, far away from everything and everyone.

Turning to Elliot, he began to prepare his things, and soon, they were moving again.

At the top of the final hill, James finally saw it. Fences lined the field where it became flat, and the pens led one into another over patchy earth, sparsely grown in the cattle's absence. Beyond the pens, there was a long barn where the horses were kept, and beyond that, a log cabin.

And beside it, a horse.

Behind the rest of the herd, James found himself frozen at the top of the hill as the cattle followed Gregor, hedged in between Percy and Kenneth. Without thinking, he'd pulled Elliot to a halt, and his eyes were fixed on the distant figure. His eyes were bad, but he knew the only thing that made sense to be found by the cabin was a horse, and wild horses didn't just wander into ranches.

He broke his stare to hastily reach into his saddlebag. He nearly dropped the binoculars as he pulled them out and brought them to his eyes.

Peering through them, he landed his sights back on the figure beside the cabin, and it was, indeed, a horse. With a saddle. Tied off at the post.

His heart began to race.

"Huh," Clandestine voiced, stopping beside him. "Who's that?"

That was the thing.

James didn't know, but something in his gut knew.

"I don't know," he said with a practiced casual disinterest. "We're not expecting anyone."

"Maybe it's a delivery," Clandestine asked. "Do mail boys come out this way?"

James didn't bother to say that Gregor hadn't ordered any delivery and that Gregor always went into town for any mail. If anyone came out this way it was to deliver urgent news, or it was someone Gregor knew. But if it was the latter, Gregor wouldn't look as confused as he did at the head of the herd, squinting off at the cabin with the same curiosity.

"Maybe," James said simply, finally urging Elliot forward, hastily catching back up to the tail of the herd.

Clandestine did the same, riding up alongside him.

James didn't look at her. He kept his eyes on the herd, trying not to draw any kind of suspicion his way. They had no reason to think anything of him. He was just a rancher, doing his job, focusing on the cows while Gregor took the lead and figured out who had come to his farm. For Gregor's sake, James hoped that it wasn't what he feared it was, but he couldn't afford to have that kind of hope.

He was already racing to prepare for the worst.

A number of other possibilities ran through his head. Someone was lost and stumbled upon the ranch, and, seeing it was unoccupied, took shelter. Alternatively, someone stumbled upon the ranch seeking help. Perhaps it was a break-in. Thieves. Squatters. Orphans, with no recourse. Another lost soul looking for a job from the kind-hearted rancher who took people under his wing.

Gregor had gone ahead and pulled the first gate open, and the cattle we beginning to spill in. Kenneth and Percy remained on either side to keep the cattle in line while James followed the flow of the cows like a leaf in a stream.

When he made it to the gate, he paused. As everyone clustered around the gate on horseback, Gregor stood by the gate looking out at the cabin, and then he looked back at them.

"I s'pose I should see what that's all about," Gregor said.

Now closer, James could make out the shadow of someone on the cabin's front porch.

Waiting.

James had learned enough from his past to know that it wasn't worth taking chances. If he was wrong, he was running away from a peaceful situation he planned on leaving soon anyway. If he was right... if it was a bounty hunter...

He had to leave.

He didn't think he could stand it if anyone else got hurt again because of him.

"You think he's lost, boss?" Kenneth asked.

"Could be," Gregor hummed.

"I can go see what he wants," Kenneth volunteered.

"We can stay back and take care of things while you go ahead," James offered, quick to volunteer to stay back.

Gregor nodded.

"Kenneth, come along with me," he said.

Nodding, Kenneth waited for Gregor to hop on his horse, and James watched as the two of them made the trek around the wide cow pen, circling around toward the cabin.

In their absence, James could sense Percy waiting just a moment to see who would take the lead in Gregor's absence.

"I'll take the horses to the barn," James said.

Clandestine was already hopping off her horse, and James did the same, walking over to take Billy's reins.

"You're leaving me with her?" Percy asked, needlessly ornery. He hopped out of his saddle and landed with a heavy thud.

"She has a name," James said flatly, reaching out to take his horse as well. "Maybe if you take a minute to speak with her you'll remember it."

Turning away with three horses in tow, James kept moving. Percy muttered something unintelligible, but if James was meant to hear it, it wasn't repeated.

On the walk over, James was careful to keep the horses between him and the cabin, obscuring a full view of him. It meant he couldn't get a good look at what was happening at the cabin even as he got closer, but he did see that by the time he made it to the barn, Kenneth and Gregor had walked up to the porch, leaving their horses by the post.

The moment he entered through the barn doors, he abandoned the horses' leads and hurried across the barn to the nearest window facing the cabin. With partial cover, he pulled out his binoculars again and peered out from the corner of the window. It took him a moment to adjust them before everything came back into focus and he was able to find the porch.

Now, he could make out things in more detail.

It was a man. He was tall, standing about eye level with Kenneth. He wore a long, dark coat, and there was something about his strict, upright posture that convinced James he had a military background. The man was turned away from him, so he couldn't make out his face, but that was a mercy. If the man was looking in his direction, there was a chance he'd be spotted.

Pulling away, James returned his attention to the horses, mind racing.

So they were sending people from the Moonlight Kingdom now? Was this man hired out, or was he a soldier-turned-bounty-hunter?

If he was from the Kingdom, this could end differently. He didn't know what kind of resources this man had to make sure things went his way.

His heart was beginning to pound so loud he could feel each beat in his ears. He barely remembered having put Percy's horse away in a pen by the time he was already locking up Billy, Clandestine's horse.

He turned to look at Elliot.

With his saddle still on, Elliot was ready to ride back out of the barn, and Elliot knew this well. Over the years, Elliot had become acquainted with the need for sudden departures. As James walked up to him, for just a second he rested his hand on Elliot's snout.

And then he moved on.

Hastily climbing up into the saddle, he turned Elliot around towards the already open barn doors.

The moment he rode out, everyone would see him. Every exit route was out in the open. The only thing between him and the cabin and on every other side was a field of grass.

He just had to get over the hill.

Taking in a deep breath, he steadied himself, steeling his nerves, and prepared for the worst.

He clicked his tongue, and Elliot moved forward.


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Mon Feb 27, 2023 11:59 pm
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @soundofmind its me again for another short/long review. I'm going to try doing something a little new with this review so hope you like reading the review. Lets dive right into this shell we.

Things that I've been noticing

1: Okay I think that some other reviewers have mentioned this before, so it isn't something that's new to you, but I think that you need more description in your chapters, I do feel like some of them you do a really good job while others lack the description a lot.

2: I'm also getting a bit confused about who the main character is because sometimes it seems to be James, other times it seems to be Clandestine, so maybe I'm just tired and reading wrong, or it might be something you want to look at.

A number of other possibilities ran through his head. Someone was lost and stumbled upon the ranch, and, seeing it was unoccupied, took shelter. Alternatively, someone stumbled upon the ranch seeking help. Perhaps it was a break-in. Thieves. Squatters. Orphans, with no recourse. Another lost soul looking for a job from the kind-hearted rancher who took people under his wing.


Okay seeking is in bold here because you have said it twice, and the first time you said it in this paragraph was very recent, so I have a few suggestions of what you can change it to, that might fit the line.
1: needing
2: in need of
3: trying to find

These are all the suggestions I have for what you can replace it with, hope there okay.

Things That I Liked About This Chapter

1: I know that description is something that you seem to struggle with, but I can see that you really are trying to work on it, and you did a great job with this chapter, I enjoyed reading it and I could really get the image of where they were.

2: I struggle with writing what a person is thinking but this seems to be your strong point, and you are great at it, I always know what your character is thinking and that's something that I need to work on in my story, so I must say reading your story helps me to see how it should be done.

3: You are also good at adding mystery and suspense, and there for you always keep your readers interested.

4: This may sound like a side note, but I really liked the banner that you put in the middle of this chapter as well, real creative. :) Also the book cover looks awesome.

He just had to get over the hill.

Taking in a deep breath, he steadied himself, steeling his nerves, and prepared for the worst.

He clicked his tongue, and Elliot moved forward.


Really like how you left this chapter on a cliffhanger, pure James I hope nothing bad happens.

I did like this chapter sound, and I hope you find this review helpful. But if I was being harsh, I'm really sorry that was not my intention, I'm only saying what I think might be helpful, I hope to read more of your chapters, keep up the great work.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world you're on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement




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Sun Jan 29, 2023 1:53 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Heya sound!

General Impressions

The beginning conversation is kind of ominous, while the second scene after the (very cool-looking) dragon divider is mysterious and tense. I wonder if the person at the door is really who James thinks they are. James’ strategizing at the beginning of this part also kind of reminds me of mystery stories somehow, like a detective trying to figure out what to tell a culprit, but in reverse?

Glows – What I liked

Kenneth and Percy’s characterization has been really consistent and I like the dynamic that they add to the story, even if they don’t seem to be main focuses for the plot.

There would be too many holes in that story, and he didn't know how persistent she would be to find answers before they reached the ranch.

I thought this was a smart thing for James to think. Once you’ve given someone a story, it’s all too easy to slip up on a few details and make them suspicious! In general, I think James’ thought process was very believable here. He definitely comes across as someone who’s been on the run, and I especially like the paragraph where he considers the “other possibilities” for the appearance of the horse. It feels realistic for someone to consider stuff like that as a counteraction to their own acknowledged fearfulness.

I like that we’re getting another ‘big event’, equivalent of the sandworm appearing. I hadn’t seen it coming, but that just makes me more intrigued to see who the stranger turns out to be. My guess is Clandestine might notice James is leaving and follow him? Or maybe something else might happen that forces James to confront the stranger.

Grows – Ideas to consider

I thought the conversation between James and Clandestine ended a bit too ‘conveniently’ with Kenneth and Percy’s appearance. It’s not a big deal, since I’m sure they’ll pick up on it again later, but just something I noticed.

Another minor nitpick is a few paragraphs seem to have quite a bit of word repetition that doesn’t seem intentional.
And then he heard the others. Head shooting up, he saw Percy and Kenneth had gotten up. Or rather, Percy had just woken Kenneth up by clapping loudly right next to his ear. Kenneth jolted up and immediately punched Percy in the gut.

^ There are a lot of phrases that end with “up” in this sentence for instance. Could be a good thing to look over if you’re revising this.

At the top of the final hill, James finally saw it. Fences lined the field where it became flat, and the pens led one into another over patchy earth, sparsely grown in the cattle's absence. Beyond the pens, there was a long barn where the horses were kept, and beyond that, a log cabin.
And beside it, a horse.

^There’s quite a lot going on in this paragraph. I felt it was hard to imagine reading it on the first go, though I do appreciate mentioning the barn and the cabin since James later goes into the barn and the stranger is hanging around the cabin. The “it” in the first sentence refers to something different than the “it” in the second sentence, which is slightly confusing.

Overall

On the whole I like the direction the story is taking from this chapter. It subverted a few of my expectations. I also appreciate your creative use of chapter titles – “crawling in my skin” def matches the more tense/ uncomfortable atmosphere in this chapter.

Hope this helps – keep writing!
-Lim




soundofmind says...


I thought the conversation between James and Clandestine ended a bit too %u2018conveniently%u2019 with Kenneth and Percy%u2019s appearance. It%u2019s not a big deal, since I%u2019m sure they%u2019ll pick up on it again later, but just something I noticed.
I thought of this too while writing, so this might be something I tweak when going back and revising... this decision was more the result of the LMS rush and not having any other ideas at the moment ^^'' Thanks for pointing it out

Also glad you caught some of the nitpicks! It helps when people point them out so I can keep an eye out for stuff like that as I continue writing. :,)

Glad you liked the direction the story is taking in this chapter! I always appreciate your thoughtful reviews!



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Sun Jan 15, 2023 9:55 pm
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Benji says...



we live in a young writer's society :xd:




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Sun Jan 15, 2023 9:55 pm
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Benji says...



oh gosh why did it post three times...




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Sun Jan 15, 2023 9:54 pm
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Benji wrote a review...



First off I want to say that I love the formatting of these chapters, almost feels dreamlike when each chapter ends with an action, it sort of feels like it fades away into the next piece with the exception of dialogue extending over to the next chapter, where I usually keep the feelings of where it went in my memory for next time. Also that dragon header illustration is so lovely. I'll try my best to give thoughtful reviews on each chapter as I go along, will have to do a lot of catch up as I've mostly been reading it during the process and not after the fact, but you deserve feedback both in an instantaneous way and a retroactive, more structured form, both are helpful feedback in different ways. Okay now on to prod at James' mind for a while -

I always found it interesting how in his POV he's explaining himself in a cautious way, as if to show what he's mulling on is something he should guard and protect, he is a very cautious and thoughtful guy, so I enjoy the exposition as it gives some background info for the way he conducts himself in front of the people he engages with. I find myself curious about what he may be thinking while reading from the POV of the people interacting with him. He is very thoughtful, but with that said, I don't think I want to be stuck behind him in a line at subways lol....

"You're leaving me with her?" Percy asked, needlessly ornery. He hopped out of his saddle and landed with a heavy thud.
oh Percy, full of sass as usual.

The delivery of the scene where James noticed the mysterious visitor is really well executed, I could feel each motion and his fear, it's like the weight of the world closed in on him while the rest of the gang are completely unaware but still uneasy with him, but not for any of the reasons he is. And I like how his paranoia continued on throughout the other half of this chapter in a realistic fashion, but he kept his cool cuz that's all he could do here...

His heart was beginning to pound so loud he could feel each beat in his ears. He barely remembered having put Percy's horse away in a pen by the time he was already locking up Billy, Clandestine's horse.

I could really feel this scene and the parts following it, great visual storytelling here.
He just had to get over the hill.

- and the few lines dedicated to repeating his mental thought process were really the cherry on the top when action is about to/taking place.

All in all a good read and a great sequence from dialogue with Clandestine to the building up of a pace change to action! Thank you for posting Sound :)




soundofmind says...


aaaaaaa THANK U BENJI !!!!!!!!!!



Benji says...


no problem!!




When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel