z

Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon Chapter 1.2 (LMS VI)

by soundofmind


Chapter 1: Where's Your Cow, Boy?

The sunlight was quickly fading, and James was eager to find this cow before dark. With his luck, it was one of the black steers, which would be nearly impossible to find at night if it was lying down.

Elliot's hooves beat against the grassy ground as James took him over the surrounding hills, constantly scanning the surroundings and stopping at the peaks of hills to look down. After going in what felt like more than one circle, but was in reality only a very large one, the sun decided to abandon him.

And now he was staring into the dark.

Getting back to the camp would be easy enough with the fire's light acting as a beacon, but James was beginning to feel the slightest tug of anxiety pulling at his chest.

Relationships were fragile things. One failure or wrongdoing wouldn't turn Gregor away - he knew he was a patient man - but the last thing he needed was to look incompetent. This job was supposed to be an escape. Maybe his last one, before he withdrew from all society for good. He just needed the smallest sense of stability for a few months so he could get his bearings once more and raise enough money for supplies that would sustain him when he went into the Wilds.

That had been the plan ever since...

James pulled Elliot to a sudden halt as all of his attention was fixed first on a divet of trampled grass at the top of the hill, and then... a flickering light in the distance. Just over the hill, he could see a light moving. Dancing around the field, back and forth.

He blinked hard, making sure that his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. If he'd somehow got turned around back towards the camp, the campfire would've been stationary.

That meant someone was out there.

Thoughts not entirely abandoning the task at hand with the lost cow but alerted by the presence of someone else out in the rolling plains, James drew Elliot just a little further back, outside of view. Even though it was dark, someone could easily make out the silhouette of a man on a horse when looking up from the bottom of the hill.

He hopped off and gently patted Elliot's side.

"Stay here," he whispered, barely audible as he crouched down and began to ascend the hill once more, this time daring to draw closer to see what exactly was dancing around in the dark.

As he settled at the top of the incline, staying low in the tall, wispy grass, his eyes started to adjust to the stark contrast of light and dark. The moon was a waning crescent in the sky, shedding a thin blanket of light. After squinting into the for a moment with no clarity, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small pair of binoculars. A useful object acquired on the job that he didn't mind using so long as no one would question him for it.

Peering through the lenses, he was able to see.

There was a person, sitting atop a horse, holding what looked to be a small torch. They were lightly waving it around as they rode the horse around in wide loops, and in the splash of light they left behind them, James could make out faint, shadowy figures following them.

The figures were indistinct - or rather, lacking the appearance of solid matter. Instead, they seemed like semi-transparent outlines of... wolves.

Wind wolves.

He'd only ever seen them in frigid temperatures, where they resembled an exhaled breath against ice and snow. Here, they looked less ghostly, and more like shadowy creatures prancing throughout the grass in the same manner that a breeze would rustle the grass.

As if in time with his thoughts, he felt a distant, residual breeze reach him up the hill.

It took James a moment to register what exactly it was he was witnessing. It didn't look like the person on horseback was being chased by the wind wolves. Conversely, it looked like they were leading them, or even playing with them. He thought he could hear the person laughing.

It was then that James noticed a different figure, suddenly illuminated by the moving firelight across the grass.

The cow. It was the cow, standing there as if nothing was happening, eating grass.

Of course. Of course, the cow had wandered into whatever this was. At the least, he'd found it, but it meant now he'd have to intervene, but he decided to wait a bit longer to see if the situation would resolve on its own.

While this didn't seem like a threat at first glance, he had no idea what someone would be doing this far out beyond the cities and the main roads. Gregor and his hired hands had a reason - they were transporting cattle. But most people didn't venture so far from civilization unless they were looking for trouble or running from it.

So which was it?

He tried to focus his binoculars as close as he could, trying to make out the details of the rider, but they were moving too much for James to make out anything beyond basic features. An oversized jacket. A smaller frame. Long hair, pulled back.

And then, the person stopped riding in circles and dashed out to the side. The wind wolves pranced behind, spinning in the air around the horse's heels. The rider waved and pointed the lit flame towards the sky, and the wind wolves spiraled upwards into the air, at first looking like they were flitting overhead until their figures dissipated, like dust blown away. Gone.

And as quickly as the wind wolves disappeared, the person blew out the torch, leaving the small valley between the hills shrouded in darkness.

James lowered the binoculars. With or without them, he couldn't see anything, now. And he couldn't help but feel the hairs on the back of his neck start to rise with apprehension.

All this for a cow.

It was fine. It was going to be fine. It was probably just some lost traveler who knew how to manage wind wolves and dispersed them so they wouldn't cause them trouble. If the person was traveling alone out this far it was likely they were a runaway of some kind. Running from home. Running from the law. Maybe a mage, or a sympathizer.

Or a very odd bounty hunter.

Well, if the person was in the area, confrontation would be inevitable. They'd probably find their camp sooner or later. They'd already found one of the cows.

James quietly got to his feet and hurried to get Elliot, leading him along on foot back over the hill. As he started coming down, he could just make out a shadow moving towards what he wanted to assume was the cow.

"Oh, hey!" a voice called out. It was a higher-pitched, feminine voice. Not one he recognized, not that the odds of that were absurdly high.

He saw a spark of light, and a flame ignited again.

This time, he could see more clearly as he drew closer.

It was a woman, sitting atop her horse with a torch in one hand, and her reins in the other. Though she was drowning a little in her large jacket, he could infer enough to conclude that she seemed fit enough to be a fighter - of what kind, he couldn't yet tell. He noticed a sheathed sword hung from her saddle. It was a cutlass, with a curved blade, made for slashing. The rest of the supplies that he could see strapped to her saddle looked like those of someone who was always on the road.

Looking at her face more closely, her expression seemed friendly but wary. She had big, bright eyes, a light brown skin tone, and straight, choppy black bangs that covered her forehead, with some loose, shorter hairs framing her face. The rest of her hair was pulled back in a long, messy ponytail.

"Hey there," the woman greeted with a tight, subtly nervous smile. She pointed the torch in the cow's direction. The cow was unaffected by the attention.

"Is this your cow?"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sun Dec 18, 2022 3:33 am
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Heya sound! Shady back, hoping to get another review or two pumped out before the end of Review Day, courtesy of the Heisting Chickens, so let's get right to it!

"Stay here," he whispered, barely audible as he crouched down and began to ascend the hill once more, this time daring to draw closer to see what exactly was dancing around in the dark.


Ah, yes, because horses are soooo well known for following commands xD James, my boy, you're a dork.

After squinting into the for a moment with no clarity


Into the what? I think you are missing a word here ^^

But most people didn't venture so far from civilization unless they were looking for trouble or running from it.

So which was it?


I like this juxtaposition and I think it does a great job of establishing your tone ^^

It was fine. It was going to be fine. It was probably just some lost traveler who knew how to manage wind wolves and dispersed them so they wouldn't cause them trouble.


You're convincing no one, James xD that's so funny

"Is this your cow?"


I love this as an out-of-context quote xD

~

I like this next chapter part! You've done a great job of setting up more intrigue with the wind wolves and mages and bounty hunters and such and making us wonder who this woman is. Given the prior knowledge I have, I'm assuming Clandestine? But also gonna try to come into this with a fresh slate since I don't remember a lot and also I don't know what you've changed.

Either way, I'm definitely hooked again, and am excited to see where you're taking this! Gonna see if I can get you one more review tonight before the end of the day ^^

~Shady 8)




soundofmind says...


Ah, yes, because horses are soooo well known for following commands xD James, my boy, you're a dork.

He is thank u for noticing.

Into the what? I think you are missing a word here ^^

omg lmao.... lms brain did this to me

SO HAPPY U R HOOKED I AM GLAD U R ENJOYING READING AND THANK U AGAIN FOR YOUR REVIEW XOXOXOXOX GOSSIP GIRL <3



Shady says...


<3



User avatar
185 Reviews


Points: 13187
Reviews: 185

Donate
Sat Dec 17, 2022 10:29 pm
View Likes
FireEyes wrote a review...



Heya sound! This was sitting in the green room for a bit, so incoming review!

I don't often review novel chapters, but it caught my eye so I went to read part one of the chapter. It's a nice slow introduction to your world and James. It isn't exactly medias res, like I like my stories to start, but nice and slow works for now. With that let me get on to the review!

I'll start with critique. I didn't see any glaring issues, so that's nice. There were parts where some description could have been revised, though.

She had big, bright eyes, a light brown skin tone, and straight, choppy black bangs that covered her forehead, with some loose, shorter hairs framing her face. The rest of her hair was pulled back in a long, messy ponytail.
There isn't anything wrong with this description, on course, but to make it more involved you can describe them in motion.

For example: "Her big bright eyes scanned the scene around her, growing brighter in the dark night as she got closer." Just making it more involved makes it sound less like an info dump. A writing tip I got from Pinterest as well is, "If you have to info dump, make a character do it." Just a little tip for anyone planning on writing a novel.

I also see how you like to use the one-line trick to make certain sentences stand out. Nothing wrong with that either. I wanted to point out one of them.
That meant someone was out there.
To make it pack even more of a punch, you could simply put: "Someone was out there." The audience already knows what it means, so there isn't a need to- and for lack of better words- undermine your reader's intelligence. It's first better to overexplain, have your beta readers tell you they can already figure it out, than to underexplain and have everyone lost.

But that's it for critique, time to praise your work! I always have a hard time with first chapters, but you made it creative enough for me to get my interest, but simple that I can not be so scared to jump into a completely new world.

I like James already too. I don't know why, maybe it's because he is relatively quiet so far so I'm not dealing with a whole personality right off the bat is comforting.

You also do a great job at grounding where we are. I'm not confused as to where James is going and why he's there.
As he settled at the top of the incline, staying low in the tall, wispy grass, his eyes started to adjust to the stark contrast of light and dark. The moon was a waning crescent in the sky, shedding a thin blanket of light.
You put the exact right amount of detail into the setting. It's very easy to put too much or too little information in the scene instead of the story, but I saw where James is and it stayed consistent through my reading. Great Job!

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found it useful. I know this is an older chapter and you've written up to chapter 5 so far, but don't give up this project. See it through, and you'll thank yourself. Anyway byeeeeeeeee <3




soundofmind says...


Thanks so much for your review!!! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review this, and I did find your advice for revising/editing some of the descriptions and lines helpful. :^)

ANYWAY BYEEEEEe <3



User avatar
542 Reviews


Points: 41664
Reviews: 542

Donate
Fri Dec 16, 2022 2:12 pm
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi sound! Lim here after reading the first part of this chapter and your project shoutout.

First Impressions

So far the story kind of has this quiet atmosphere, I think. The setting seems to be a place that’s sparsely populated, and the scenes focus in on just a few people at a time and some animals, especially in this chapter, where there are just two speaking characters, and the wind wolves (which I adore by the way!) take up quite a bit of the action/ description. It’s quite a relaxing read, though I like that the two main characters meet each other early on, since from your project description, their interaction seems to be the main focus.

Characters

James seems a bit of a melancholy personality. I liked the development in this chapter that his job isn’t meant to be permanent. It definitely makes me curious about his history and what he plans to do in the future. “the Wilds” also sounds like an exciting and mysterious place name <.<

Some parts of his characterization that I like are how he worries about what Gregor might do if he failed to bring back the cow, even though he believes Gregor is a nice guy and that it wouldn’t be that bad. It suggests that he had a difficult past, or at any rate is expecting more difficulty to come.

Well, if the person was in the area, confrontation would be inevitable. They'd probably find their camp sooner or later. They'd already found one of the cows.

This thought also shows that kind of mentality.

I like that Clandestine is introduced playing with wind wolves, not just because I think the wind wolves are super cool, but it also contrasts James’s behaviour with the cows. He’s chill with the cows, but he doesn’t *play* with them. The “Oh, hey!” greeting also makes her seem more outwardly carefree or friendly compared to James anyhow.

Plot

Hmm I’m actually not so sure at this point how the plot is going to go. I like that we’ve been introduced to James’ want to gather money and get out of here. Things still seem pretty slow-paced though, but that could be intentional! My guess is that Clandestine also has a goal of her own and that will coincide with James’ just enough that they will end up leaving this place together. I wonder what that goal might be, since it does seem that someone like her being here is a bit unusual.

Worldbuilding

He'd only ever seen them in frigid temperatures, where they resembled an exhaled breath against ice and snow.

I really like this description! It brings a lot of sensory imagery to mind, like sound, touch, sight all at once. It also suggests how big the world of this story is, and how much of it James has seen, such that there seem to be other places (maybe in the north?) where wind wolves look different.

The rider waved and pointed the lit flame towards the sky, and the wind wolves spiraled upwards into the air, at first looking like they were flitting overhead until their figures dissipated, like dust blown away. Gone.

Oh I love this – can you just summon them from anywhere then? Is that going to play a role in the story?
If the person was traveling alone out this far it was likely they were a runaway of some kind. Running from home. Running from the law. Maybe a mage, or a sympathizer.

Or a very odd bounty hunter.

That’s quite a lot of guesses! From this bit, I’m thinking mages are persecuted in “civilisation” in this setting, since usually that’s what’s happening when you’re needing people to ‘sympathize’ with you. I’m curious to see more information about all this, since James does run through these options very quickly, mostly to rationalise and calm himself down, it looks like.

Overall

This was a fun and interesting chapter part to read! As you can tell, I love the fantasy aspects of this setting, and the story seems to be setting up to go in an interesting direction. I wonder what Clandestine’s story is and how it’s going to impact the overall narrative.

Hope this helps – let me know if you’d like more feedback!
-Lim




soundofmind says...


LIM!!!!! LIM THANK YOU SO MUCH for your review and for reading this ;-; I'm very glad you're enjoying it. The first few parts are definitely comparatively calm and have a slow-paced feel. The beginning of the story is meant to be more slow-going :^) I'm glad it was still nice to read

Also thank you for your notes on characterization!!! Aaah it's so nice to see things are being caught on how it's intended haha



User avatar


Points: 277
Reviews: 1

Donate
Fri Sep 23, 2022 5:18 am
View Likes



Thank u clanny for the cow can I play with the wind wolves too




soundofmind says...


do u want to be a monster hunter then u can join her lolol



User avatar


Points: 277
Reviews: 1

Donate
Fri Sep 23, 2022 5:18 am
View Likes



Thank u clanny for the cow can I play with the wind wolves too





I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe