z

Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon 3.2

by soundofmind


Chapter 3 Part 2: That Be a Worrisome Possibility

Clandestine stared down the giant hole with her hands on her hips. The hole was probably about as long as she was if she lied down and stretched her arms over her head, and it didn't look like there was really any end to it, especially since it wasn't even like a pit that just went straight down. It went off to the side, and then who knew where.

She crouched down, looking a little closer.

"So this is the biggest hole around, you said, right?" She asked as she peeked her head in.

Kaleb nodded, watching from behind her. "That's right, Miss Clandestine."

"Well shoot," Clandestine mumbled, making a mental note to herself. "That means this is one big queen sand worm."

Kaleb leaned in closer to try and catch her mumblings. "Sand worms got queen worms?" He asked. "Like bees?"

Clandestine nodded. "Somethin' like that. 'Cept worms don't make honey or nothin', but maybe some slime?" She ran a finger across the inside of the worm tunnel. The dirt had a slightly slimy film over it that felt goopy. She winced and flicked it off. "Yeah, definitely slime. I would not eat that, though, if I were you," she laughed, looking up at Kaleb with a smile. He laughed with her.

Clandestine stood up, wiping her finger on her coat for extra measure.

"So!" she said. "They've been burrowing all these tunnels down below. Causing sink holes, and making big whole tunnels like this," she said with a gesture to the one beside them. "And that's ruining your crops and what else?"

Kaleb put a hand on his chin. "Well... one of my cows disappeared, which I thought was real strange. I never though thems worms were meat eaters. But it didn't look like it escaped or nothin' either."

Clandestine gave Kaleb a curious look. "Wait, what? Okay, what else has happened? Just the cow, or...?"

"Little things've gone missin' on the farm too. I reckon a few tools here n' there. Some wood planks out the side of the barn. Feels like the worms're slowly chippin' away at the place."

Clandestine frowned, looking down the hole one more time in thought. That wasn't what she expected. Worms weren't really smart enough or small enough to do some of those things, and they really weren't that carnivorous. They had sharp teeth, sure, but they would never eat a cow, right? She pondered on the thought for a moment before something peculiar caught her eye, and she leaned down closer to the hole again.

"That, and sometimes I been seeing strange prints round the barn. It's real worrisome. They're bigg'uns, and got two toes," Kaleb added.

"Wait, you mean..." Clandestine's eyes widened, and she looked up at Kaleb with her brows furrowed.

That didn't sound right. They were dealing with worms and worms didn't have feet. It almost sounded like Kaleb was describing...

"..Goblin footprints?"

--

Clandestine threw the front door open with more gusto than necessary, only to see Matt and Laura rapidly turn their heads to see her from the round wooden table they were sitting at in the corner of the farmhouse. The inside of the house had the same pale colors as the outside, somehow making it feel like she'd burst into a soft, calm moment in which she was out of place. She wiped her shoes on the mat by the door and stepped in timidly, the initial confidence of her entrance being sucked out of her entirely when she saw Laura's surprised expression.

"O-oh hey guys! So uh, Matt," she said, looking at his newly bandaged arm and his new, not bloody shirt. "Turns out there aren't just sand worms. Somehow goblins are involved too. Possibly. Maybe. Probably. I don't really know how yet, but I apparently Kaleb's been sein' some old two-toed footprints here and there and I'd recognize them anywhere if I saw 'em. I didn't today, but, wow! It's kind of odd that goblins would be out here! As long as I've known 'em they just stick to their land, and last I knew, it wasn't out here in the desert. So uh, I don't know what they'd be up to..."

Clandestine's sentence hung in the air as Laura's expression only got more wide-eyed. Then she felt Kaleb tap her shoulder, and she hopped out of the doorway so he could come in and close the door behind them. Laura looked over to her husband, clutching a fist to her chest.

"Goblins? Out here?" she asked.

"Seems so, dear," Kaleb said as he walked over to her. "Hopefully not too many of 'em. I dunno what I'd even do about that," he said as he took off his sunhat and put it on the table. "Fortunately Clandestine is a clever gal and had some ideas for how to start out," he went on, waving her over to join them at the table as he sat down beside his wife.

"Yeah! Yeah of course," Clandestine said with a smile as she hopped over and plopped down in a chair beside Matt.

"So what I was thinking we could do, just to get a better idea of what we've got goin' on, is since Kaleb said a lot of times, things go missing at night, we could try stakin' out on the porch, watch the fields and the barn and stuff. Keep an eye open and see if we hear or see anything. Just to confirm what I think we already know."

Laura looked to Kaleb, and the two nodded at each other, while Clandestine was watching Matt for his approval. Her eyes flickered to his arm. Matt looked like he was in thought for a second, before he looked over to her with a little smile.

"That sounds good to me," he said. "Takin' it slow while I still heal would probably be best anyway. Er - that is, I figure it'll only be slow if nothing happens."

Clandestine smiled back, and looked back to Mr. and Mrs.Saint.

"Which, we hope something does. Since that makes our job at least a little easier," she added.


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DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Here Alice is here to review!

A great chapter as always. So goblins are going to get involved and after reading this I remember goblins make tunnels so that must be a goblin tunnel that they made from the Saint's tools they stoled. I didn't expected something else to be involved in this matter expect the sandworms, the next chapters are going to be interesting I guess.


Clandestine nodded. "Somethin' like that. 'Cept worms don't make honey or nothin', but maybe some slime?" She ran a finger across the inside of the worm tunnel. The dirt had a slightly slimy film over it that felt goopy. She winced and flicked it off. "Yeah, definitely slime. I would not eat that, though, if I were you," she laughed, looking up at Kaleb with a smile. He laughed with her.


Clandestine is the best she makes a serous matter laughable.

I don't have much to say but have one question to ask

HOW CAN YOU NOT MAKE A SINGLE MISTAKE?
NOT A SINGLE GRAMMAR MISTAKE!!!




soundofmind says...


hahah I have grammarly to thank for that, but thank you again!! So glad you love Clandestine's humor :)



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Mon Nov 09, 2020 2:57 am
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Carina says...



KIXIG IS COMING SOON I CAN FEEL IT

because

*inhales*

SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME




soundofmind says...


ASDFHDKSSDHFDFLH



soundofmind says...


the fact that u remember who kixig is.... wild



Carina says...


i swear i remember tiny things and forget big events in my life



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Tue Jun 30, 2020 10:23 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Okay I have just begin the second half of my daily review goal. Hopefully I get to the target.

First Impression: And more surprises. One issue there. The farmer agreed pretty quickly that they were goblins so it sounds like he should have made that connection ages ago or even if he didn't what the footprints meant at least reported the footprints to the Sheriff. I get that you need a reveal there but you'd expect Kaleb to have reported the weirder bits as well especially because it appears that the goblin stuff has been happening for quite some time.

Kaleb leaned in closer to try and catch her mumblings. "Sand worms got queen worms?" He asked. "Like bees?"


So are people just not that educated when it comes to monsters? It seemed like sand worms were fairly well known by the bartender, sheriff etc. so the fact that they don't know this detail seems unlikely because I was getting the feeling that sand worms were a fairly common thing in the dessert.

But it didn't look like it escaped or nothin' either."


But like what about like burglars? Not every burglar would come in brandishing guns. Somebody could be stealing those tools and planks especially. Only the cow is something a human couldn't do.

"That, and sometimes I been seeing strange prints round the barn. It's real worrisome. They're bigg'uns, and got two toes," Kaleb added.


He really should've reported this earlier.

"O-oh hey guys! So uh, Matt," she said, looking at his newly bandaged arm and his new, not bloody shirt. "Turns out there aren't just sand worms. Somehow goblins are involved too. Possibly. Maybe. Probably. I don't really know how yet, but I apparently Kaleb's been sein' some old two-toed footprints here and there and I'd recognize them anywhere if I saw 'em. I didn't today, but, wow! It's kind of odd that goblins would be out here! As long as I've known 'em they just stick to their land, and last I knew, it wasn't out here in the desert. So uh, I don't know what they'd be up to..."


That's a lot of verbal diarrhea. So if you were going for the very excited rambling mode that was spot on.

"So what I was thinking we could do, just to get a better idea of what we've got goin' on, is since Kaleb said a lot of times, things go missing at night, we could try stakin' out on the porch, watch the fields and the barn and stuff. Keep an eye open and see if we hear or see anything. Just to confirm what I think we already know."


That just sounds like the logical thing anyone would do. You don't have to be extra clever to realize that this is the course of action that needs to be taken.

"Which, we hope something does. Since that makes our job at least a little easier," she added.


Good thing she added that line. I have seen far too many ghost hunters and monster hunters that are terrified of what they search for and just end up wishing to not encounter them.

And that's it for this one.

Overall: Some solid developments here. We don't much character development but we have a nice little twist and it looks like hunting time is coming soon. Meanwhile I am waiting for the part where the title of this story begins to actually factor into it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jan 27, 2019 3:44 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Back again! I won't lie - I'm a little disappointed that this isn't a Matt chapter, because now I don't have a good target to make fun of. :P

Small Comments

Clandestine nodded. "Somethin' like that. 'Cept worms don't make honey or nothin', but maybe some slime?" She ran a finger across the inside of the worm tunnel. The dirt had a slightly slimy film over it that felt goopy. She winced and flicked it off. "Yeah, definitely slime. I would not eat that, though, if I were you," she laughed, looking up at Kaleb with a smile.


Moments like these are the reason why Clanny's so quickly stolen my heart. <3 It's just a really cute little comment and observation, and I love how she can take something serious and make it lighthearted instead.

That didn't sound right. They were dealing with worms and worms didn't have feet. It almost sounded like Kaleb was describing...

"..Goblin footprints?"


Dun dun dunnnn! I admit I didn't expect there to be something more troubling than the sandworms, so I'm pleasantly surprised by this turn of events. It'll be fun seeing how Matt and Clanny handle this new problem, once Clanny rescues poor Matt from getting his injuries taken care of.

It's kind of odd that goblins would be out here! As long as I've known 'em they just stick to their land, and last I knew, it wasn't out here in the desert. So uh, I don't know what they'd be up to...


The plot thickens! For you to mention something like that, I'm guessing that there's something big going on over with the goblins. I wonder what could possibly be motivating them to do something like that - maybe they're getting kicked out of their area, or there's a goblin nearby that's been cut off from the rest of their family or group?

"So what I was thinking we could do, just to get a better idea of what we've got goin' on, is since Kaleb said a lot of times, things go missing at night, we could try stakin' out on the porch, watch the fields and the barn and stuff. Keep an eye open and see if we hear or see anything. Just to confirm what I think we already know."


Yeah! More bonding time with Clanny and Matt. <3 The OTP is going strong.

"Takin' it slow while I still heal would probably be best anyway. Er - that is, I figure it'll only be slow if nothing happens."


Yeah, like you ever do that, Matt. :P

Overall Comments

My biggest critique is how jarring it was to go from Matt's perspective in the last part of this chapter to Clanny's for this short chapter, though I currently have no idea if the next chapter will continue with Clanny's perspective or not. If it does, I think the problem is solved. If it doesn't, you might want to make this part a little longer so the transition feels a little natural, or even include Clanny watching Matt head over to Laura.

Other than that, good chapter! Like you were talking about with @Kirkiln in the review down below, it does read a bit like a filler, but lms can do weird things to writing styles. It's totally messed with the pacing of my own novel, so I can see why this little section might feel a bit off from the rest.

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm incredibly curious to find out how the goblins play into the plot! They're probably just going to remain as enemies, but the things being stolen and them being outside their usual territory does suggest that they might be going through some hard stuff.

See you in Chapter 3.3!

Image




soundofmind says...


<3 <3 thank u fam

It's good to know that the pov change felt jarring! That's something that's good for me to know in the future but also as I keep writing so I can be more aware of when to pov change. I mean, in general their povs are pretty diff but I'm pretty sure that's not the only reason it felt funky.



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Sun Dec 30, 2018 12:24 am
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Omni wrote a review...



Hiii sound :D let’s jump into this!

Clandestine is zany. I love how she describes the hole using her body, but she doesn’t do it, like, well and it’s wonderful to read. If that doesn’t represent her as a character as of right now, I don’t know what does.

Worms don’t have feet, yes you’re right XD so oooh goblins. I wonder how that’s going to work out.

So, my overall thoughts!
I’ve gotta be honest, there’s not much here. I agree with scribbs below me on saying that this chapter is shorter than what I’ve read before. But, when your other chapters are like 2k and 2.5k chapters, one that’s closer to 1k feels quite different. But, also, not much happens this chapter. It felt like filler, which isn’t something I’d like to read when we’re only three chapters in. So, let’s figure out what can be improved here, to add something interesting to this chapter (not that it’s badly written, just not really interesting xD)

-So, there’s a bit of description in the beginning about the worms, but I would love to see more here. Maybe a bit more about the destruction, not just talking about it, but Clandestine and Kaleb actually moving around and trying to maneuver around the destruction. Just something as simple as this brings action into the part where it’s sorely needed.

-Clandestine obviously knows something about goblins! Perhaps a description here or a flashback? I know we’ll see more about goblins in a bit, but I would love some more here, even if it’s just a hint on what will happen. It seems like no one really cares about the goblins too much or that they’re not a problem for Clandestine or anyone in general. When goblins are revealed to may be there, no one really reacts too much besides a clutch to the chest. I think that really adds to the feeling that nothing happens this chapter part. The stakes just aren’t there. Maybe if Clandestine was freaking out or someone was freaking out, the reader would be more interested in the goblins.

Also I think that Clandestine rambles a bit too much this time around and it felt like word count padding instead of something that would naturally come of out of her rambling mouth.

So, this chapter isn’t bad, but it could be much better ^^ I can’t wait to read the next part!




soundofmind says...


YEAH I admit this chapter feels really short and filler-y hahaha. ESPECIALLY NOW THAT IT's UH... a few 6 or so months later looking back :,)

I like the idea of putting in a flashback for Clandestine! Her history and interactions with goblins is fuzzy at best so that's really something I should figure out more on a growing list of tthings HAh *sweats*. Also!! Them moving around the destruction would be really cool to write. Like maybe a worm ripped a giant role through the barn or something really dramatic. Because d r A ma. And also the worms are big and could do that probably. Lol.

ALSO SORRY FOR RAMBLY CLANDESTINE. THe rambly in me gets carried away through the rambly in her :,) I gotta restrain



Omni says...


When rambly Clandestine works, it works! But when it doesn't, wellllllll it can get grating. Just because, when rambling doesn't lead somewhere, like, pushing the plot forward, then it's a lot of, really, just nonsense that takes up valuable reading time and space that can be better used. See, 1k words is a lot when you don't have motivation, but is totally nothing when you're on a roll.

xD hey listen i didn't read the chapters after this so it was fresh to me and I still thought it was filler-y XD but yeah definitely explore stuff here! Like, the barn idea is a good one, because maybe the destruction there was fresh, and Clandestine goes investigating, but then she notices things that aren't the worms' doing, and then the end of the chapter part is like, well mr whats-your-face (i forgot, whoops), you don't have just worms. You got goblins." That would definitely help her on not feeling inept too.



soundofmind says...


aaa thank u!! I will try to spice this bit up in the future edit phase :,))



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Thu Sep 06, 2018 4:02 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



hey sound!! I'm back again, finally lol

happy revmo!


It went off to the side, and then who knew where.


I think I'd like to see a better description her? What side did it go off to? This doesn't paint a clear image on what's going on here.


"Sand worms got queen worms?" He asked. "Like bees?"


beeeeeeeees

The dirt had a slightly slimy film over it that felt goopy.


I mean, if it's slime, I should hope it feels goopy.


I don't know the extent of Clandestine's monster knowledge, but it just struck me as odd that she wouldn't just, mention that they make slime rather than not being sure of it? I don't know if that makes sense but. I don't know, something struck me as odd in that scene, and I don't mind it overall beside the part that she said they might make slime, but again. I don't know the extent of her monster knowledge.


"...Goblin footprints?"


If he's operating under the assumption that everything weird going on is sand worms, why is she asking him if he thinks they're goblin footprints?


This chapter felt a little shorter than the other ones I read and I don't have as much to comment in the way of a review unfortunately.

I did notice the beginning seemed as though it didn't have quite enough sustenance to it? It was mostly just the first lil chunk there, but I think you could have done with more descriptions? As a whole I think the chapter could do with a little more meat to it, but I also see that this chapter was stretched across three parts so in the overall view of the chapters, perhaps it fits better once combined with the other two.

Most of it did seem to be dialogue which, didn't bother me really, but it was enough to notice. I think I would have liked to see Clandestine doing more investigating around the areas that Kaleb had said that had more evidence of goblins vs. sand worms, and given a little more balance there between dialogue and some Clanny being awesome and detecting stuff.


That's all I have for today! Sorry that was a bit stunted haha. I'll probably be back for more soon but, in the meanwhile! Keep up the good work!

I hope you're having a good one :D




soundofmind says...


Thank you so much for the review scribble!! And yeah, haha, this bit is a little more sparse as a piece in the middle of the chapter. I could meat it up, but at the moment I'm not sure what I could add. I'm sure descriptions would be helpful! And I guess... the investigating comes a bit later? I didn't feel the need to go into deep detail for this part since they do more later, and there isn't much more important information or conversation that happens between Kaleb and Clandestine (or Matt) until then... ashagkjsahgflkj

AND UH
If he's operating under the assumption that everything weird going on is sand worms, why is she asking him if he thinks they're goblin footprints?

I mean, this one's kind of simple? She was assuming worms at first but what Kaleb ends up describing sounds like more than that. So she asks.

ANYWHO BLESS AND THANK



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Oxara wrote a review...



It's review day and you know what that means, time to delaying writing a song for my LMS to catch up on your LMS. I hope I don't decrease my quality of review, But if I do I am really sorry (and am willing to do a re review of course) So without any more time consumed let's hope in.

World building/character building- So no real charter building so I will leave it at that. You briefly describe goblins which shows their out of place and not normally out so far. Which is good background, especially as you are going to do something with it.

Plot- Other than the introduction of the goblins problems which should lead to a lot more nothing happened. However I hope this goblin introduction leads to something showing us something of the large picture of the story

Random thought's- So when you show the goblin's out of place there are two things that come to mind, they are part of a organized group of goblins that are planing a raid or war or something, and your character's have to deal with it. Or the goblins are under the control of a much bigger threat and this is a way to introduce that threat, both are acceptable but if you want unpredictability maybe stray away form these. Moreover this goblin could be pretty minor to the plot, so that is fine as well, just was talking like it is for the review.

Nitpicks
The hole was probably about as long as she was if she lied down and stretched her arms over her head- you don need the "if she lied down..." it is implied without saying it. Plus it makes the sentence clunky and lengthy to read, like a run on.

"looking a little closer"- You said it looked like it had no end it sight so what she looking at closer. It would make sense if she was looking at perhaps rings in the hole like a tree, or in this case like a plastic tube (almost screw/nail like) if that makes sense. Why not add that and have looking make a little more sense.

"Somethin' like that.- you didn't have a ' but you have a ' so it doesn't make sense. Plus you don't need a ' so if you were thinking of 'somethin', I think it's better if just leave it as somethin

'Cept worms don't make honey or nothin', but maybe some slime?" - You don't need to add the ' and don't say nothin if you going to say something kinda like that. Plus she is a experienced monster hunter, one to recognize that this is the queen hole and that is large, so she would know if it made slime or not right?

He laughed with her- It's not bad but I feel like, he joined her in laughter would sound better

Anyway see you in the next review




soundofmind says...


Hey man thanks for the review!!



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StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey @soundofmind! I'm sorry for being so slow about getting around to this - I don't really know what happened to me last week, time just got away from me! I know you said you didn't mind but all the same I don't want things to build up so I'll make sure to stay more on track from now on :)

GOBLINS! That was such a good twist, I really liked it! I'm excited to see what happens on the stake out now, you've set it up really well. I really adore Clandestine as a character, she comes off as so sweet and innocent despite literally being a monster hunter by profession. That's my kind of lady. I love her. Clandestine is bae.

I had to laugh at the last lines - though they could be a little bit cleaner to make understanding easier - because I'm sure Laura and Kaleb don't want any more goblin attacks on their land and are a bit stunned that Clandestine is *hoping* for something to happen. Like xD I would be slightly alarmed!

One of the issues, I think, with LMS is that it means that we have to enjoy writing in these bite size 1000 word chunks. Which is not, in and of itself, an issue. The issue lies in that it's hard for me to see the chapter as a whole. For instance, the goblin reveal was interesting enough to me that maybe we should have ended on that and not have it halfway through a chunk that is halfway through a chapter. Maybe it would have been better at the end of Chapter 2? But then I can barely remember at this point how exactly Chapter 2 ended! It's all really second draft stuff, but it's worth keeping in mind cliffhangers and jumping off points that you *can* use in your second draft when you start tackling all that big picture structural stuff that we don't have to worry about right now because right now all we have to worry about is the story and having fun with it.

Looking forward to the next part and the stake out and where it leads!

- Stella x




soundofmind says...


BLESS YOU and yes MORE CLANDESTINE LOVE!! <3

AND LOL i struggled with the wording in the last lines, I'll have to really work them out so they read better/more clearly lol. SO MAYBE IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE Clandestine is like "i hope something happens so that we know what's going on sooner, and can get to the bottom of it" kind of thing lol.

AND AAAAA YES THANK U SO MUCH this will be so helpful when I look back lol!! I've thought a bit about pacing but not as much about chapter endings, because i haven't been 100% sure how I'm even splitting them up lollll. I'm still just trying to make sure I have the STORY in GENERAL in order :,)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEW!! I love and appreciate them so much




"Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein