z

Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon 2.1

by soundofmind


Chapter Two Part 1: The Farm is Infested and I am Invested

As they rode up to the sheriff's office, they could hear a loud ruckus inside - sourced by the poor excuse of a robber. Clandestine looked over to Matt, raising a brow as she hopped off Billy and hopped up the steps to the door. She could still hear the yelling, and though she couldn't quite understand what Dega was saying, she could tell he was angry. As she pushed the door open the man's words hit her ears at full volume. As the sheriff finished locking up the cell, Dega flipped around, grabbing the metal bars and shaking them.

"YOU IDIOT OF A SHERIFF, I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR ARMS WHEN I GET OUT OF-"

The assault on their ears stopped for a solid three seconds as Dega saw Matt walk in behind her. She looked back at Matt, who didn't give Dega even a second glance. For a second, she expected Dega to scream again, this time at the two who were responsible for his quick catch, but instead there was just a quiet, heated glare sent their way. Clandestine sent Dega an awkward smile and waved. She didn't know why she did that. He just kept glaring. Clandestine looked away quickly and put her hand down, shuffling up to the Sheriff who'd sat down at his desk.

"Hey there, Sheriff - uhhh -" she looked around for a sign, or a label. His name had to be somewhere, right?

"Mitchell."

"AHA, yes! Sheriff Mitchell. I'm just stopping by to follow up on a rumor I heard about sand worms. I'm a monster hunter looking for work, so I'm here to offer my services. Oh. And also," she held out the two guns she'd confiscated from Dega in their earlier scuffle. The Sheriff raised a brow.

"These belong to the big guy behind bars," she said. "He had lots of fun pointing them around before Matt kicked his butt."

"I didn't-" Matt began to start, but Clandestine held up a hand and shushed him.

"But anyway!" she interrupted. "About those sand worms?"

The sheriff grinned in amusement as he set the guns on his desk. "Well, the complaints have really only been comin' from the Saint's Farm. I went down there to check it myself but I ain't well equipped to deal with those buggers," the sheriff sighed, rising from his seat. "If it was just me, I'd light some dynamite and throw it down their tunnels and blast 'em. But I guess from what Kaleb and Laura have told me, that might do more harm than good. They've already been doing lots of damage to the land, so I figure they're tryin' not to blow it to bits."

Clandestine nodded, smiling wide. "Well, I'm sure I could hop on over and offer my services!" She pulled out a piece of paper from the inside of her jacket. It was an aged old thing, folded one too many time and stained a little, but it had the official seals of the kingdoms, which made it official. Or at least, it looked official to anyone who wasn't an expert in forgery, so she didn't mind flashing it around. She unfolded it, showing it to him. "And you know, just the formalities. I like to run a legitimate business, you know."

The sheriff rubbed his bearded chin, looking closer at the document before nodding and pulling open a drawer in his desk. "Well, you can let them know that Sheriff Mitchell sent you when you get there," he said as he pulled out a map, rolling it out on his desk. "They're just a little east a ways from here," he said, drawing a line on the map from where they were to where they needed to go. "Shouldn't be more than a day's trip."

Clandestine leaned forward, giving a map a close look. "Well. That looks good to me! I think I got it. We just follow the trail, right? There's a little path?"

"Something like it," Mitchell shrugged. "Ain't like it's cobblestone."

"Nobody likes to ride on cobblestone anyway," she laughed. "Well... I suppose that's it from me!" She turned around to Matt, giving him a pat on the shoulder - though she didn't really give notice to his slight flinch. "Let's get goin' partner! I don't know about you but I'm itching to stab some big fat sand worms."

Clandestine led the way out, her boots tapping quickly down the steps as she made her way back to Billy. Matt paused at the bottom of the steps, giving her a peculiar look. She tilted her head to the side, curious.

"What is it, cowboy?"

Matt walked slowly over to his horse. "How long... have you been monster hunting?"

Clandestine looked at him blankly for a moment before her hand went to her chin in thought. "Hmm, that's a good question. I think it's been... maybe uhh... well, at least four or five years I think? I started pretty early under the wing of my mentor. But no worries, Matt! You're with a bonafide expert here. I know my monsters," she said with a little wink, before hopping up into her saddle.

Matt was a little slower to follow, but once he was on his horse, she began to lead the way out of the town. As she looked back at him for a moment, she couldn't help but pause for a moment at just how much of a cowboy he looked like atop his pretty, golden palomino horse and his brown leather jacket and boots. Or maybe it had less to do with him looking like a stereotypical cowboy and more like the cowboy she knew.

A gentle tug and coarse hands, pulling her out of the mud.

"You look lost, little girl."

She was shivering.

"Here," he'd said, as he took off his jacket and wrapped it around her.

Clandestine blinked. Ha ha, she weakly smiled to herself. Best not to dwell on sad memories, right? She tore her spaced-out gaze away from Matt and looked forward, towards the path. Matt wasn't him. But dragons above, he reminded her of him.

"So!" she began again with a clearing of her throat. "What do you know about sand worms?"


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Mon May 31, 2021 3:11 am
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Shady wrote a review...



hiya soundo,

it is i, back for another review for you this fine evening. Let's jump in...

One of the things that delights me about every chapter is your titles. They're just so endearing but also enticing and baits me into wondering what in the world this chapter is going to be about. It's really cute and clever, so well done there!

Clandestine sent Dega an awkward smile and waved. She didn't know why she did that. He just kept glaring.


Ahah omg she's so pure. You're winning me over xD

She turned around to Matt, giving him a pat on the shoulder - though she didn't really give notice to his slight flinch.


Be careful with your POV... in the last chapter, I was about to bring it up before I realized that you'd switched to Matt's POV for that section. But it can get confusing switching back and forth. And here you have it in Clandestine's POV but it falters from third-person limited to third-person omniscient. I guess what I'm saying is to decide which POV you want to work with and then make sure you stick with it, especially within chapters, but even between them you should probably pick whether you're gonna stick to limited or omniscient for the novel as a whole so that it doesn't get confusing.

Like, if it's limited, and she didn't notice that he flinched, then you can't really include that, you know? 'Cause limited is... well, limited, to what your character perceives.

I think it's been... maybe uhh... well, at least four or five years I think?


*SQUINT*

Why do I have the distinct feeling that she's brand new to this, over-eager but wants to show off, and puts them both in large amounts of danger that Matt has to fix before she admits that she does not, in fact, know what she's doing.

~ ~ ~

Also like this chapter! You're doing a good job of setting up the intrigue of making me wonder who the other cowboy that Clandestine knows/knew is and how all of that relates. Looking forward to unravelling that in future chapters!

~Shady




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Thu Jan 07, 2021 5:30 pm
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DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Hey Alice is again here to give a review!(as a matter of fact this is my last review before getting my new star)

As always this is so interesting and fun to read and your writing style is super nice. And the way you give hints about the past memories of Clandestine is very well written


A gentle tug and coarse hands, pulling her out of the mud.

"You look lost, little girl."

She was shivering.

"Here," he'd said, as he took off his jacket and wrapped it around her.

Clandestine blinked. Ha ha, she weakly smiled to herself. Best not to dwell on sad memories, right? She tore her spaced-out gaze away from Matt and looked forward, towards the path. Matt wasn't him. But dragons above, he reminded her of him.


Like here looks like the past of her is really sad and tragic. And finally there is a hint about the dragons I am curious when and how you will introduce the dragons in this story.

Clandestine sent Dega an awkward smile and waved. She didn't know why she did that. He just kept glaring. Clandestine looked away quickly and put her hand down,


What a girl Clandestine is so stupid.

"AHA, yes! Sheriff Mitchell. I'm just stopping by to follow up on a rumor I heard about sand worms.


I am curious how you will describe small little sand worms as a monster

You are a great writer
Blessed to find this story hope I will finish reading all the chapters of this novel.

Bye!!!




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Mon Nov 02, 2020 5:31 am
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Carina wrote a review...



HEWWO SOUNDIE!! This is so ooooooold and I feel sad that I didn't get too far when reviewing this for LMS (TWO YEARS AGO LOL...smh), so HERE I AM!! This was originally just going to be random screaming but I guess it's kinda long so might as well make it a review with some suggestions??? lol

"He had lots of fun pointing them around before Matt kicked his butt."

"I didn't-" Matt began to start, but Clandestine held up a hand and shushed him.

"But anyway!" she interrupted. "About those sand worms?"


HEHE I love..,.their interactions

also sand worms u say???? why does this remind me of the stronk worm abs drawing u drew

"And you know, just the formalities. I like to run a legitimate business, you know."

clanny lookin kinda sus rn

Or maybe it had less to do with him looking like a stereotypical cowboy and more like the cowboy she knew ... Best not to dwell on sad memories, right? ... Matt wasn't him. But dragons above, he reminded her of him.

*raises an eyebrow* HMMM GEE I WONDER IF MATT REMINDS HER OF A MAN NAMED JAMES? gOSH WOULDN'T THAT BE SOMETHING.....

OKAY AND FEW LIL THINGs AS A QUICK SUGGEStION TO IMPROVE bc would it rlly be a review without one lol


raising a brow as she hopped off Billy and hopped up the steps to the door.

As she pushed the door open the man's words hit her ears at full volume. As the sheriff finished locking up the cell,

Repeat words are poopoo because sentences must be a sparkly n full of diversity. yes, I def recommend the phrase "a-hopped-hopped away like a bunny rabbit" for maximum delivery

This next tip is kind of hard to explain so I broke it down into pwetty colors:

The assault on their ears stopped for a solid three seconds as Dega saw Matt walk in behind her. She looked back at Matt, who didn't give Dega even a second glance. For a second, she expected Dega to scream again, this time at the two who were responsible for his quick catch, but instead there was just a quiet, heated glare sent their way. Clandestine sent Dega an awkward smile and waved. She didn't know why she did that. He just kept glaring. Clandestine looked away quickly and put her hand down, shuffling up to the Sheriff who'd sat down at his desk.


Red = words related to sound
Blue = words related to sight

I remember when I first wrote my first attempt at a novel (when I was like... 14... thank yeezus I stopped after like 6 chapters LOL), I was struggling at depicting what was going on and would use phrases like "she looked away" or "she walked over" n stuffs. Then I fell into a whole rhythm of overusing looked/walked and askdfhskdj. It's a v v v smol thing but using all five senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch) would do wonders instead of just sight n sound.

Even tho... u r sound. HAH

ok im done now, srry for this word dump of a review LOL

I shall read more when u post next chapter : )

luv u wafr




soundofmind says...


*Me, looking at my 2 year old chapter, sweating*

I REALLY HOPE I'VE IMPROVED IN DESCRIPTIONS AT LEAST A LITTLE

I'm infamous for repeat words and stuff like "felt" "looked" "walked" "was feeling" and stuff like that but i really do be tryna not do that all the time



Carina says...


YES!! I KNOW U HAV

I meannn those kind of words are pretty invisible in novels and help move things forward, so it's not necessarily bad! as long as u space em out and not use them like uno cards u are fien my fren WHICH I DONT THINK U ARE since u are aware, so.. :'))



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Tue Jun 30, 2020 6:25 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Chapter 2 commences.

First Impression: Well looks like the theory section of the mind had an early breakthrough there. Pretty surprising for the start of the story. Besides that, looks like we'll be hunting some worms.

Anyway getting to it,

"I didn't-" Matt began to start, but Clandestine held up a hand and shushed him.


Well he did kick his butt. Why the sudden denial?

Or at least, it looked official to anyone who wasn't an expert in forgery, so she didn't mind flashing it around. She unfolded it, showing it to him. "And you know, just the formalities. I like to run a legitimate business, you know."


Yaa so that was my theory. Got proved really fast. She isn't actually licensed.

Matt walked slowly over to his horse. "How long... have you been monster hunting?"

Clandestine looked at him blankly for a moment before her hand went to her chin in thought. "Hmm, that's a good question. I think it's been... maybe uhh... well, at least four or five years I think? I started pretty early under the wing of my mentor. But no worries, Matt! You're with a bonafide expert here. I know my monsters," she said with a little wink, before hopping up into her saddle.


No Matt you are not. She has no idea what she's talking about.

A gentle tug and coarse hands, pulling her out of the mud.

"You look lost, little girl."

She was shivering.

"Here," he'd said, as he took off his jacket and wrapped it around her.

Clandestine blinked. Ha ha, she weakly smiled to herself. Best not to dwell on sad memories, right? She tore her spaced-out gaze away from Matt and looked forward, towards the path. Matt wasn't him. But dragons above, he reminded her of him.

"So!" she began again with a clearing of her throat. "What do you know about sand worms?"


Interesting method for those dragons to be involved. Also more tragic backstory hints. This sounds like it is going to play a pretty big part here. Cant wait to find out what her story is.

Overall: I'm loving this writing style. The humor is added in really well without compromising anything important and the personalities of the characters shine through very well. These characters are very well developed for this being only the second chapter. The plot is still not developed enough to actually comment on it but the premise for the plot is sounding really interesting so far. Now let's go meet some sand worms.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Apr 28, 2019 10:14 pm
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Hell-o sound-o! Back again with another (belated) review!!

So, first off, I adore your characters as always! There's some fun bits of humor and lightheartedness but also some nice spots where things get serious--like that flashback, which I must say was superb--and of course that chapter title is spot on. "Matt" is flinchy and quiet, Clandestine is chatty, it's a fun dynamic!

As Mage mentioned below, you do an excellent job of hitting the characters' subtle actions/reactions/behaviours, and it's a part of what makes them so charming. Keep it up!

There were a couple things I thought might be able to use improvement, however. First of all, there were a few places where there were some typos/mixed up grammar (which naturally happens on any rough draft), but it might be worth reading it through out loud to yourself to catch those. Here's a the main one I caught (and was able to find again):

It was an aged old thing, folded one too many time and stained a little...


Annnd a few nitpicks, as always:

Clandestine looked over to Matt, raising a brow as she hopped off Billy and hopped up the steps to the door.

Might replace the first "hopped" with something like "slid" or the second one with something like "bounced."

The assault on their ears stopped for a solid three seconds as Dega saw Matt walk in behind her. She looked back at Matt, who didn't give Dega even a second glance. For a second, she expected Dega to scream again, this time at the two who were responsible for his quick catch, but instead there was just a quiet, heated glare sent their way. Clandestine sent Dega an awkward smile and waved. She didn't know why she did that.

Wow. Lots of Dega in this paragraph. It can get difficult to word these things in ways that pronouns are clear, and I definitely see that struggle. However, it'd be worth sitting down with it when you've got a spare moment and rewording stuff to make it more fluid. Additionally, the final sentence--"She didn't know why she did that"-- seemed a little forced. However, I wouldn't lose it entirely; it's funny, and it gives us a look into Clandestine. I might change it to something like this, though:

Clandestine sent Dega an awkward smile and waved, yet even as she raised her hand she had to question why she did that, something she couldn't quite answer.


Other than that, you're doing excellently! Can't wait to read the next chapter! As always, keep writing, my friend!

~ Feather

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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hey there, sound! I'm back again with another review.

Small Comments


The assault on their ears stopped for a solid three seconds as Dega saw Matt walk in behind her. She looked back at Matt, who didn't give Dega even a second glance.


I love reading this when I know Matt so well - little comments like this keep making me want to smile. It's a very Matt thing to do, and I think you're doing a great job of hinting at what he's really like through little details like that.

Clandestine sent Dega an awkward smile and waved. She didn't know why she did that. He just kept glaring.


Clanny just keeps getting more and more relatable with every chapter. :P

"Hey there, Sheriff - uhhh -" she looked around for a sign, or a label. His name had to be somewhere, right?


Relatable.

"These belong to the big guy behind bars," she said. "He had lots of fun pointing them around before Matt kicked his butt."

"I didn't-" Matt began to start, but Clandestine held up a hand and shushed him.


Matt, stop trying to be so modest. :P It's a good thing Clanny is there - someone can finally help him take credit for his accomplishments! Seeing them interact more in future chapters really is going to be a lot of fun, going off of the scenes I've seen so far.

She pulled out a piece of paper from the inside of her jacket. It was an aged old thing, folded one too many time and stained a little, but it had the official seals of the kingdoms, which made it official. Or at least, it looked official to anyone who wasn't an expert in forgery, so she didn't mind flashing it around. She unfolded it, showing it to him. "And you know, just the formalities. I like to run a legitimate business, you know."


CLANNY NO!

I wonder what Matt would think if he knew that she had a forged document on her to support her business. ;) It'll definitely make for an interesting conversation later on, that's for sure.

Matt walked slowly over to his horse. "How long... have you been monster hunting?"

Clandestine looked at him blankly for a moment before her hand went to her chin in thought. "Hmm, that's a good question. I think it's been... maybe uhh... well, at least four or five years I think? I started pretty early under the wing of my mentor. But no worries, Matt! You're with a bonafide expert here. I know my monsters," she said with a little wink, before hopping up into her saddle.


Even though the go-to assumption is that it would have been less time, I suspect that she might have been monster hunting for a bit longer than she claims.

Clandestine blinked. Ha ha, she weakly smiled to herself. Best not to dwell on sad memories, right? She tore her spaced-out gaze away from Matt and looked forward, towards the path. Matt wasn't him. But dragons above, he reminded her of him.


Sound, can I please hug her? Please?

I'm obviously very well acquainted with the Matt angst, so it's fun getting a taste of the Clanny angst relatively early on. I think I might know some of it from Story Interviews, but I don't know all of it - so I think you've been doing a great job hinting at it with little side comments like this.

Overall Comments

Something tells me description is always going to be the thing that I comment on when reviewing, mainly because I'm terrible at it and keep an eye out for it when reviewing things because of it. You do a great job adding onto the reader's knowledge of the characters and the plot, but you could go into more description with what the sherrif's office looks like, and what the path looks like when they're heading to the farm. It doesn't have to be a lot of information, but it could add more to the story overall.

On the other hand, I think the story's moving pretty smoothly right now, and I think too much description might take away from the awesome pace you have going on. I'll just keep reading your novel to see how the rest of the story pans out before I make any final verdict on if you really need the extra description, but I don't think it's as necessary right now as it would be when they get to that safe space Runi's supposed to be going to in one of our threads. :P

Annnnd I'm just going to keep being vague about places and things in your novel by referring to rps, since we have so many of them. :P

Great job on this chapter, and I can't wait to see the duo get even closer!

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soundofmind says...


THANK U fOR YOUR REVIEwS!! YOUR REACTIONS mAKE ME HAPPY and I'm glad you're enjoying Clandestine's angst. :,) She has a lot! Jam-*cough*MATT and her can bond over angst in an ideal world.



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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Someone once told me (don't remember who or where) that the first time you mention a character in a chapter it should be by name. The reason for that is because the reader has no idea what this new chapter is about. It could follow the story chronologically, start a new subplot, make a new point of you. In order to keep the reader in line with what you're writing, you need to make sure they know where the story is. In the beginning of your chapter, 'they' could be anyone. I'm assuming it's Clandestine and Matt only because that's where we left off. I want to know for certain that it's these two though. It's going to seem repetitive saying their names so many times, but it clears up any possible confusion.

The assault on their ears stopped for a solid three seconds as Dega saw Matt walk in behind her.

This one might be a stretch, but I'm going to mention it anyway. I'm not so sure about the part I underlined. The fact that you say Dega saw him makes it sound like this sentence is from Dega's POV. I think it's just the word because when I think saw I think someone looking out. I'm doing a terrible job explaining this sorry. If instead you said "Dega quieted when the two walked in and eyed them angrily" that would be in the same POV as what it's in now. Make sense?

I kind of wanted a description of what the sheriff looked like. I mean, I have a pretty basic image based off of the stereotype of sheriffs, but that's it. It's nice to see later that he has a beard, but I want something more than that. Don't be afraid to take time away from the narration to describe a new character. Obviously you don't have to do into details right off the bat. Just give us a little something when they first meet him, enough for us to create some sort of image in our minds.

Who are Kaleb and Laura? I didn't miss something did I? I'm known for that xD Anyway, the names seem to come out out of the blue. I know that Mitchell would say their names like that because he knows who they are, but you need to make sure we know who they are. This is one of those awkward times in writing where you have to kind of deviate from the realistic dialogue and give the reader some insight. Something like, "from what my partners Kaleb and Laura have told me..." I know they might not be his partners, that's just an example. See how you can give us that information and still have the dialogue flow? Find places like that to add in subtle details for us.

I like Cladenstine. She's cute ^_^ And in a good way. Her dialogue is so original and consistent that I can't help but love her. I can't remember if you shared with us how old she is or not (my memory is literally the worst) but I see her as this young, naive girl who just started her job a few months ago. She's all into everything about it and clearly loves what she does. I can foresee her and Matt going at it later down the road because of her attitude. He's bound to get annoyed at some point and I'm looking forward to that :3

Ohhhh there's where you tell us how long she's been in this job xD

Oooh there's a memory that Cladenstine doesn't want to relive? Sweet! We'll get to see another side of her eventually that's exciting. I get so into people and their secrets and how those secrets affect them. Great job with the placement of the memory.

One last nitpick. I'm not so fond of her describing Matt as a "stereotypical cowboy." My reasoning for that is everyone knows a different stereotype. You may think one thing and I another. Instead, you could just say he looked like every other cowboy she'd met. Something simple yet meaningful. From the description of him we can figure out what other cowboys might look like as well.

I'm really into this novel. Seriously. I'm only on the second chapter and I've already connected with your characters and started on this adventure with them. There's so much going on I feel like I'm farther along in the story. You've done a good job keeping everything neat and not overwhelming. I enjoyed this chapter a lot.

I'm doing my best to catch up on all my reviews so hopefully you hear from me again soon :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Oxara wrote a review...



Alright I am late but I am catching up slowly, and it didn't help my body felt like getting sick but that's ok. But I am here for another ramble, so sorry again if it's not helpful.

General notes-
You change form she and Clandestine, nothing major just noteing it.
World building- you have pretty limited world building I feel, I know that monster are thing and monster hunter are a thing. That is about all I know, other than it kinda was a wild west feel right now. And then you say things that assume the reader know the world, I am guilty of this too. I have a world in mind I think of it makes sense and the reader can follow but it makes questions in their mind and it might also make them confused. So especially when your going back in your second draft and know the entire world and plot add world building earlier on to make everything make sense throughout.
Nitpicks
"they could hear a loud ruckus inside - sourced by the poor excuse of a robber." So one I don't like the - I don't understand why you used it here instead of a comma? I know it can by a stylistic choice, but how I understand it, these are used for almost like suspense? also sourced wounds weird why not use caused?

"as she hopped off Billy and hopped up the steps to the door"- Do you really need to add this? If you just say "as she pushed the door open" I kinda got that you did it. Like I don't really feel like I need to know this? But maybe we do and I am just being weird."


" Dega flipped around, grabbing the metal bars and shaking them."- This is just a weird way to point it, why not just say "Dega grabbed the bars and pushed against it" I mean I know you lose the flipping around part, but it just sounds smoother.


""YOU IDIOT OF A SHERIFF, I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR ARMS WHEN I GET OUT OF-" Alright I think I have said it before but I don't like all caps. If you need all caps to convey he is angry here then you should reword it, and I can tell it without the caps. Just saying he yelled or even without saying that I know he is yelling. Adding the caps just makes it look Amateurish and almost takes away form the emotion.

"for a solid three seconds"- Firstly you don't really need to add this part it works just fine and even better as "stoped as he walked by" also it is later proved it lasted more tan three seconds when you say "but instead there was just a quiet, heated glare sent their way."

"held up a hand and shushed him"- holding up a hand is shushing him so you don't need to say it again

"official seals of the kingdoms, which made it official" saying it had official seals of the kingdoms makes it official without you saying that. Also all the kingdoms have one seal that work for all the kingdoms??? also this is your first time mentioning kingdoms that I remember and their are many of them and they seem to have a peace if monster hunter can work and move around in all of them freely. Tell me more about these kingdoms please.

"It was an aged old thing, folded one too many time and stained a little"0 saying it was a aged paper kinda has me thinking of a paper stained and folded too many times, and has the "dampness" or "softness" or whatever you call it that old paper does.


"Or at least, it looked official to anyone who wasn't an expert in forgery"- Wait she is a fake monster hunter, so she is a novice then? Pretty bold move on her to invite mat when if he went asking around to get more info on her or to get his own sheet then he would figure it out right? Just a bold move by her, but I can see her doing that. Also if it's a fake why not make a new one when it got so old and crippled.

"a legitimate business"- she uses forgery but cares about doing it properly.

"at least four or five years I think? I started pretty early under the wing of my mentor."And she hasn't been caught with the fake paper yet, very impressive. Also did the mentor also use fake papers as well? It seems like at the point of four or five years you would just officaly sign up right? though I know nothing about how monster hunter's are trained or how you sign up or anything other than that they are a thing. So tell me more about monster hunters so I can understand this world more.

"Ha ha"- this is her thoughts right? I don't think many people think ha ha.

"But dragons above"- You have never talked about dragon, I didn't even know if they were a thing. But you suddenly bring it up in a phrase. Build that maybe some people worship dragon as gods or something to make this phrase make sense.

Side note- Look I am learning how to not point every little thing I think out, but only what I think you need to know or can use.

Anyway I hope this helps you in any way and I am really enjoying the story, I think this flowed and felt easier to read and was just overall smoother to read.

Oxara




soundofmind says...


Sorry I'm so late to reply to this but THANK U FOR ALL THESE REVIEWS



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Fri Jul 20, 2018 11:22 am
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Omni wrote a review...



HI SOUND the fam is invested to this story and is back to review (seeWHATIDIDTHERE haha cri) hopefully I’ll catch up before you publish chapter 3 xD I doubt it though because next week is gonna be really busy for me.

So, I’m trying something new! Lemme know how it works, okay? It might help me out on reviewing and help you out on uhhh things and stuff xD I forgot where I was going with this ITS EARLY OKAY

As they rode up to the sheriff's office, they could hear a loud ruckus inside - sourced by the poor excuse of a robber.


-Weird word choice
So, this first sentence stopped me up a bit for two reasons (both of which aren’t really nitpicks and just because I’m dumb fyi but some of your readers will be even dumber then me so may as well point it out).

1 – “could hear” which slows down the sentence a bit. It’s nothing major, but it’s also a weak verb and repeated later on in this paragraph. Perhaps you could find an alternative that suits your purpose better?

2 – “sourced” which isn’t a bad thing, it just caught me off guard because it’s not something I’m used to. It’s also reads backwards to me? I’m not sure how to explain this better and it’s probably nothing, but yeah.

She could still hear the yelling, and though she couldn't quite understand what Dega was saying, she could tell he was angry.


-Repetition
The repetition that I talked about above on the “hear” here :D

-Weak Verb Choices
You have a flurry of weak verbs here, from “hear” to “yelling” (which isn’t a verb I don’t think, my grammar may be off in the wee early morning but im still including it here) to “tell” and also earlier in this paragraph. There’s a few instances of this throughout the chapter too, but when you revise (again? xD) I would suggest just combing through your verbs and be like “hmmm can I insert something better here than what I have??)

For a second, she expected Dega to scream again, this time at the two who were responsible for his quick catch, but instead there was just a quiet, heated glare sent their way.


-Weird word choice
So, I get that you were saying that he was quiet instead, but I have never know a glare to be loud, let alone be quiet xD

"Hey there, Sheriff - uhhh -" she looked around for a sign, or a label. His name had to be somewhere, right?
"Mitchell."


I love this interaction here lol, like honestly the split second of panic when you greeted someone (because you’re already terrible at interacting and you’re putting yourself out there just by, like, talking) and you don’t know their name and you can’t FIND THEIR NAME IT HAS TO BE THERE SOMEWHERE.

She pulled out a piece of paper from the inside of her jacket. It was an aged old thing, folded one too many time and stained a little


*times

Or at least, it looked official to anyone who wasn't an expert in forgery, so she didn't mind flashing it around.


OHOHOHO Clandestine has a little darkness to her after all! I’m honestly suuuuper interested in this part here, because this opens up a WHOLE can of worms and that can of worms opens up aNOTHER can of worms. So she forged her monster hunter badge? She’s an illegal monster hunter (cue audience gasps) so that’s much interesting. But, this begs the question: how would this be forged in this time period, and how would one exactly find out that it was forged? I assume that it revolves around the official seals, but I’m sure those were forged quite often in these time periods. It’s definitely something for me to ponder on. Clandestine you cheeky person :P

though she didn't really give notice to his slight flinch.


She didn’t give notice to the twitch, buuut you did which means that she did? That’s a paradox yo, but joking aside you gave notice to it which completely contradicted what you intended here, thus bringing even MORE attention to the fact that he flinched, which I honestly don’t think is too big of a deal but now it’s a big deal in my head and basically what I’m saying is that you should probably rework this sentence here. I’m not sure how while still giving the info that A: Matt flinched and B: Clandestine didn’t pay mind to it.

As a side note, I keep wanting to call Clandestine Clementine, and shorten her name to Clem. Soooo for future reference if I slip up and say Clem then you know why xD

Clandestine led the way out, her boots tapping quickly down the steps as she made her way back to Billy. Matt paused at the bottom of the steps, giving her a peculiar look. She tilted her head to the side, curious.


-Weak Verbs
Another instance of weak verbs that I decided to point out, specifically “led” and “give”. Give especially is a trap verb that’s so universally useful (like put? And have and a few others) but also so universally bland which is just a drag and drags your sentence down with it to the deep dark pits of hell so be careful xD

Clandestine blinked. Ha ha, she weakly smiled to herself. Best not to dwell on sad memories, right? She tore her spaced-out gaze away from James and looked forward, towards the path. Matt wasn't him. But dragons above, he reminded her of him.


I like this subversion here! We thought we were going to get a nice flashback and exposition time, but that’s just not in Clandestine’s character so she pulled herself –and us—out of it which I love love love.


So, not too much happened this chapter but boy howdy you have a way with adding nuance to your character’s personalities! Which I love! We didn’t get too much exposition here, which I honestly am a big fan of. I think how you inputted the exposition was glorious and worked especially well. It was just a sentence here and a subversion there, but it really expanded Clandestine’s character for me. She’s no longer one note, which is something I was worried about from the first couple of parts, where she was just insanely happy-go-lucky and that’s her in a nutshell, but it seems she has a bit of a bad girl in her after all. You raised a lot of questions here that I can’t wait to be answered, and honestly this is how you do characters, so bravo sound.

My one minor complaint here (besides the grammar nitpicks of course) is the fact that nothing really happens this part. It’s a little early to be doing just character interactions (they do have their place, but I like to see them in the middle of the story or like right before action scenes or plot scenes) while not having much else in the story. But, this is minor and I’m sure will be remedied in the next parts. Can’t wait to read the rest!




soundofmind says...


hello I'd like to thank u for ALL OF YOUR SUPER HELPFUL NITPICKY ADVICE ON WORD CHOICE because those were all sentences that I was like "???!?!?!? HOW DO FIX?!?" So just hearing your thoughts was like omg BLESS!! THANK U SO MUCH!!! u just saved the novel

and also i know u said revise again question-mark... but like yeah. This is basically? a complete rewrite at this point lol. It will be for pretty much all of arc 1 and 2 because all of that sucks so... I'm PRETTY much treating my chapters like a warrior and I'm not gonna edit too much just because once I start editing? I will never stop lol

AND I'm glad you like Clandestine's little panic moment about the name bit lol. I was hoping that would be semi-relatable haha.

Clandestine has a little darkness to her after all!

Clandestine has some darkness to her past? She did something illegal? WHAT COULD IT BE?!?!? The answer might surprise you. *insert clickbait link here* LOL but uh, on the real tho I can't really tell you why they're forged yet lol but I can tell you that it's not SUPER hard to forge. And she knows a guy who knew a guy and blah blah lol.

She didn%u2019t give notice to the twitch, buuut you did which means that she did?

I feel like since this part is written from her POV, I might just make her notice but not react/care/pay it any mind. Otherwise there's not a good way to do it I don't think?

ALSO IF YOU NEED A NICKNAME FOR CLANDESTINE YOU CAN CALL HER CLANNY! That's what I call her lol.

BUT YEAH I'm glad you liked the stuff I hinted at with her ;) ;) yay thank u

And I did feel like maybe this bit was too slow for the beginning but trust me ; )))) things get exciting in just a hot min i.e. in the next part lol



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Mon Jul 16, 2018 7:15 pm
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StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey @soundofmind! First things first... I only just got your username... today...

Secondly, I'm sorry I'm a bit delayed, life just got on top of me! But I'm here to review this and the next part now!

I can tell that Clanny has some past that's going to break my heart. Heck, I'm already sad about it. Here's my upbeat little chickadee and she's obviously hiding something awful.

I'm really intrigued about your setting but at this point, and maybe it's just something to keep in mind for the next few chapters, I'd love to see a bit more world building. I keep harping on about these books, but I'm reading Rebel of the Sands at the moment which is a beautiful merging of the Wild West and Arabian culture. I feel like you're doing something not dissimilar, with the Wild West and a traditional European-like fantasy kingdom. Which is really cool! The main thing I would love for you to consider about that though is that the Wild West, at least to me, has always been summarised by one word: lawless. That's why the sheriff has so much power, why those Western movies exist, ain't nobody coming to give you justice, you need to get it for yourself. Sooooo with that in mind it was a bit jarring to see Clandestine handing over her official royal credentials without everyone being a bit surprised. I thought there would be a bit more like, "a royal monster hunter?! All the way out here?!" But no. I mean, maybe that's not what you're looking for but as I said it's kind of what I was expecting so I was a little surprised and a bit put off that it went a different direction.

One nitpick - Saint's Farm or Saints' Farm? ;)

I love the lighthearted banter going on, and as I say, I just know that Clandestine is going to break my heart. I'm not really okay with that. You aren't allowed to do this to me.

Onto 2.2!




soundofmind says...


YOOOOO STELLA OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH!! And heck NO WORRIES about getting to this later!! I've been super behind myself :,,) life got busy haaaaa.

and omg... my username... HAHAAH that's amazing lol

Here's my upbeat little chickadee and she's obviously hiding something awful.

; ))) ..... I mean... I sURE HOPE It'll pull some heart strings. If I'm able to do it right. HahaHA

AND OKAY SO WITH THE CREDENTIALS I guess... I never thought much about it being a big deal? Though now that you mention it, it is irregular to have a monster hunter come through town (just since monster hunters are... few in number in general). SO I PROBABLY SHOULD have the sheriff be more surprised or something lol. Monster hunters kind of have a few different negative stigmas around them though if they're this far out from kingdoms though, so I'm realizing maybe I should make the sheriff have a little more like... disdain actually. Idk but yes you're right I should change that in the next edit-thru.

AS FAR AS WORLDBuiLDING GOES I GUESS Uhh I'm not 100% sure how to ... do that?? THAT PROBABLY SOUNDS LAME BUT. I think a lot more of it will come up once they reach the farm and talk to Laura and Kaleb?? At least, it'll happen more naturally in conversation. But ALSO UH I'm not sure actually. Their last name is Saint so... would it be Saints'? ashdkfjsdhfl

BUT OMG THANK U SO SO SO MUUUUUUCH <3 <3




Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash