• Home

Young Writers Society

The Lost Dragon 16.2

by soundofmind

Chapter 16: But I'm So Eepy

There was a split-second pause.

"Oh," the man said, his lips parting into a broad, bearded smile. "Sorry. Right. I was camping nearby and noticed something that looked like a large fire in the distance last night. I was a bit too far to get here fast on foot, but I wanted to make sure everything was alright."

Clandestine didn't want to be too quick to trust, but at that moment all she wanted to do was look back at James and say"I told you so." Even though she hadn't, really, told him anything. She still felt vindicated.

Except now, Clandestine had no idea what to say.

She hadn't thought this far ahead.

"Oh! We're alright," she said, flashing a smile in return. She didn't know if it looked forced since it was solely sourced from anxiety. "It was a bit crazy. I'm a huge clutz, and I accidentally lost control of our little bonfire trying to cook beans. Not very responsible of me, but we managed to get control with the stream being so close."

As she kept talking, she realized just how far-fetched that sounded when the fire had, genuinely, been large enough to reach over their heads.

Sure, it was the stream that helped them. That made sense.

Trying not to swallow too obviously, she smiled a little tighter.

"Where'd you come from?" she blurted. "Are you from Bone?"

"I was traveling through there," the man answered. "So, yes, I came from that way."

He gestured over his shoulder for good measure, and the movement made Clandestine stiffen, just a little.

"Oh," she said again, this time a little more deflated. "Well, thanks for checking in, I guess. No one's hurt, though. Unless you count the grass."

The man nodded with a small pursing of his lips.

"I can see that," he said, looking at the ground, poking at it with his boot.

She hoped he wouldn't wander over towards Alexander's shallow grave. The truth was that someone had been hurt. But they didn't die because of the fire. At least, not exclusively.

Her stomach knotting, she swallowed again, trying to think of how to turn this man away and to quell his curiosity.

"So, um--" she started.

"It's late," James cut in wearily.

The corners of Clandestine's lips pulled back into a restrained frown, but she already had a feeling this might not go well.

"We're tired, and trying to get some sleep," he said. "We appreciate your concern, but your help isn't needed here. Thank you for checking, but we're going to move downstream and get some rest before daylight. It was good meeting you, but we must be going."

Circling Elliot behind her, he began to change course, riding northward. It would take them back past Gregor's ranch.

She wondered if he knew he was going in that direction, or if he was choosing blindly. No pun intended.

"Can I at least give you my name?" the man asked.

And that did give Clandestine pause because it did seem a bit odd to milk an awkward, tense situation. And giving his name seemed like it was more than just being polite. He was trying to keep them there. Wasn't he?

Feeling a little antsy, Clandestine turned Billy to follow James, who hadn't stopped moving.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're really not, um..." she tried to say, but wasn't sure how to put in words that she didn't want to--

"My name's Bo," the man said. And with a flick of his wrist, he tossed the torch down into the stream. It fizzled with a plop.

"I'm not trying to be dramatic," he said. "But I am pressed for time."

Clandestine felt herself freezing up again. Maybe she should have listened to James right away.

Just as she was about to look away and hurry after him, there was a flash of light.

Looking over her shoulder, her eyes went wide as she saw Bo with his hand raised, and instead of the fire lighting his face, it was crackling strands and sparks of blue energy, streaking around his bare forearm almost like a sleeve of light.

"I'm a mage too," the man said in a tone Clandestine didn't know how to read.

She heard Elliot's hoofbeats stop ahead of her. Suddenly, Clandestine was sweating bullets, and her bleary haze cleared in an instant. Adrenaline kicked in with a wheeze, and she could feel her body simultaneously buzz and ache with the rush.

This man was a mage and he must've done the math: the only reason they'd been able to start and end a fire that large was because they were mages too. Or... she was one.

Gulping, Clandestine found herself at a loss for words.

She's never knowingly met another mage before. For years, she'd been staying hidden, never letting anyone know. It didn't make sense to seek out others like her because it was too dangerous. Frankly, she didn't know if there were many others like her out there in the world to find. As far as she knew, mages were being killed every day. She thought they were a dying race.

She felt James's presence beside her again. Returned in silence, but this time, the tension in the air was thicker.

The man's crackling electricity fizzled around his arm, and they were plunged into darkness.

"What do you want?" James asked cooly.

"To help," the taller man answered as a looming shadow.

"And why should we trust you?" James answered.

A pause.

"Well, I was kind of making a gamble by showing you my magic, which I think we all know puts all of us at risk," the man said. "I know you have no reason to assume I'm a morally upright person just because I have magic, but I did hurry to get here before others did."

"Others?" Clandestine blurted. "What others?"

"A report was put in at Bone to the guild," the man answered. "About the fire. It's being reported upwards to Ruddlan, I believe."

Clandestine looked over at James, her mouth turning to a deep frown as her brows pinched together in worry. James's expression was severe, and she could tell without him saying that he was still skeptical. But with things as they were, they really didn't have any other recourse. Clandestine had only just learned that she was - with certainty - a dragon, and she didn't even know fully what that meant. She hadn't even begun to process the implications of everything she and James had talked about. She'd only just started to feel the weight of it.

They needed help. And if there was another mage out there, this could be just what they needed. If Bo wasn't able to do more than get them somewhere safe, that alone would at least give them time to think about what to do with everything they knew.

"How are you intending to help?" James finally asked after a long silence.

"In short," the man answered. "I'm a part of an underground network of mages that work to rescue and relocate other mages or mage-sympathizers that are at risk or already in danger. I can help get you to a more secure location for now. We have a bunker north of here we can hide out in for a while."

Clandestine looked to James, searching his face.

She already knew her answer. She wanted to say yes, and she was going to. But James wasn't a mage. He was...

"Do you know who I am?" James asked lowly.

There was a beat of dreadful silence.

"Yes," the man said. "I know who you are, Mr. Hemming."

Clandestine swallowed again.

These were two men who clearly had been on two sides of the war. Did Bo know what he was offering? Did the offer even extend to James?

"I'm asking both of you to come with us," he said. "And I give you my word that no harm will come to you. But we really should make haste. Mage hunters don't waste any time."

A pause.

"Nor do the kingdom's hunters," Bo said.

James turned to look at Clandestine, and though he wasn't exactly making eye contact, she could tell he was searching for her face - for her eyes, to meet them. To come to some kind of quiet conclusion together, even though they didn't have to. He didn't have to. She wondered if this was the first time he'd really been offered any kind of safety or if he'd taken chances before, only to be stabbed in the back.

This was a risk for both of them, but Clandestine wasn't willing to take the chance that Bo was bluffing about mage hunters.

She never wanted to take a chance when it came to mage hunters.

"Do you trust him?" James asked in a whisper.

Clandestine was surprised that he asked her, but she glanced back at the shadow of the towering man and his wolf beside him.

"About as much as I trust you," she said, without realizing until she said it that maybe that sounded like a back-handed comment.

Wincing, she shrugged slightly. James simply looked away with a wearied look in the direction of where the man stood.

"I'll go with you," James answered quietly.

She hoped they weren't making a mistake, here. But something about this man - the one with the lightning in his hands - felt... familiar.

She didn't know how to explain it. It just felt like she should know him from somewhere. But that was silly because she never did.

Clandestine took in a deep breath, sitting taller again.

"Lead the way, Bo," she said. "I'm in, too."

With the tall man's shadow approaching, Bo answered: "Alright then," and blue sparks crackled out of his hand once more, lighting up his face for a moment. As he approached, the wolf followed behind him.

Bo glanced up at Clandestine, his eyes glowing an inhuman blue - much like his magic.

"Let's go," he said.

Is this a review?



User avatar
542 Reviews

Points: 41664
Reviews: 542

Sat Sep 30, 2023 7:02 am
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...

Hi sound! Happy Review Day!

General Impressions

I thought this chapter had some unexpected but welcome reveals. I’m glad the person with the wolf turned out to be semi-friendly (at least for now). I was surprised to find out he was also a mage! That was an exciting surprise because this means Clandestine has the chance to find out more about magic and also about her past. I’m also keen on seeing this secret mage network. I expect Bo bringing James there would be a controversial decision among the mages.

Except now, Clandestine had no idea what to say.
She hadn't thought this far ahead.

I thought this felt in-character xD Clandestine feels like more of an improviser than a planner to me.
As he approached, the wolf followed behind him.
Bo glanced up at Clandestine, his eyes glowing an inhuman blue - much like his magic.
Additionally, this guy has a wolf. C is good with wind wolves. Future wind wolf taming arc??


I like the part about Bo having rushed in because he knows the incident is being reported to mage hunters as they speak. James and Clandestine have both been worried about people’s attention being drawn to the fire, and Clandestine especially since it was a magic fire and mage hunters are about, and I’m glad that seems to be playing out in the story’s world rather than remaining in Clandestine’s thoughts only – because this way the reader can see the consequences of the society’s anti-mage sentiment much more clearly. It feels a lot more real.

I am interested by what seems to be foreshadowing about Bo’s character. He seems to have something to do with Clandestine’s past, since she keeps having these déjà vu moments about him. I don’t think he’s the Earth dragon since he doesn’t have Earth-related powers, so he might be a character that hasn’t been mentioned yet.


One suggestion I’d make is to watch out for the dialogue at the beginning of the chapter. Those lines felt quite wordy to me and contained a lot of information at once, which made the conversation feel less believable.
"Sorry. Right. I was camping nearby and noticed something that looked like a large fire in the distance last night. I was a bit too far to get here fast on foot, but I wanted to make sure everything was alright."

This line of Bo’s comes across as being kind of like a report even though they are having a semi-casual conversation. It might help with the flow either to break it up a bit or reduce the amount of information he’s giving here. Not sure if this is helpful, but one way it could go might be:
”What do you mean then?” (Clandestine’s line from last chap)
"Oh," the man said, his lips parting into a broad, bearded smile. (Good desc, realistic pause)
“Sorry. I saw something that looked like a large fire, and I wanted to make sure everything was alright.” (The most direct answer to Clandestine’s question – his intention)
(Then still being cautious, someone might discreetly ask for more info . . . )
“That was a while ago. Last night.” (Implies it is weird that he’s only here now.)
“I was camping nearby. Close enough to see the fire, but not enough to get here right away – not on foot, at least.” (Explains himself, thereby giving the full picture of what happened)

I hope that bit in quotes helps a bit explaining what I mean, but let me know if not!

"What do you want?" James asked cooly.

"To help," the taller man answered as a looming shadow.

"And why should we trust you?" James answered.

^ I liked the dialogue in this exchange, because it’s clearly meant to be a straightforward conversation (i.e. no one is doing any wordplay or trickery or has an indirect speech style) and it looks like a straightforward conversation, with Bo telling James exactly the kind of information he’s looking for (an intention/ motivation, as opposed to say, a location or what to have for breakfast). Then James’ next line builds on top of what Bo has said, which is signalled by the “And” (i.e. you say you want to help – but are you honest?). James’ follow-up question is also one that makes sense for him to ask given his jaded personality and the situation he’s in, which is great.


This chapter looks like a point where Clandestine and James are ending their ‘escape’ storyline and moving into a different part of the story. Overall, I liked the plot events that happened here and I’m keen to see what happens next.

Hope this helps, and keep writing!

User avatar
557 Reviews

Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Thu Sep 14, 2023 3:26 am
View Likes
Ventomology wrote a review...

Lol Clandestine putting her foot in her mouth. At least this guy seems okay. Also your bbcode is showing.

SO. Continuing from last time when I said I had feelings. While the suspense was great and probably like, a correct reaction to some rando stranger approaching James and Clandestine, I guess I'm not totally sold on it from a high-level narrative perspective. I think that so much has happened, and James and Clandestine are still in this place of such high alert that it actually felt a little anticlimactic for this guy to show up and be like "yo I too am a mage." I'm kind of wondering if there was a way for him to show up without causing so much tension.

I mean. Unless he's secretly a bad guy and he's going to spy. Idk what your plans are.

THAT SAID. I am really excited that we have this new ally. It's been just James and Clandestine for a while, and I think that without some more outside interference, the revealing of whatever history is between them would start to stagnate. Also, if my gut feeling is right and this Bo guy is a helpful mage from Clandestine's past who is really just like, there to protect her bc he was always someone who had an interest in protecting her, then it'll be really fun to add someone into the dynamic who is fully on her side. James and Clandestine are still like, allies because of circumstance, so I think it'll be really interesting to have someone around who is an ally because of his own loyalty or beliefs.

And, well, Clandestine may have magic, but it doesn't actually seem like she's a mage, so having the perspective of a real mage in the group will really round them out as a party, since we'll finally cover the "two sides" of the larger conflict.

I'm very excited for what Bo has to offer and for his take on the situation! Can't wait for the next part >: D


soundofmind says...

You are so right... it do feel anticlimactic. I also have no other ideas for how to frame this lmao. Bo is like I came with a light so they could see and I don't sneak up on them unawares! And they were obviously still spooked. How to cause less tension... I DON'T KNOW!! I NEED MORE BRAINWAVES!!!

I admit he is not a Bad Guy he is just an Intimidating Looking Guy. Cursed with the Scary Appearance. Anyways.

I am excited for u to get to know him more tho :^) hehe

THANK U FOR READING AAAAAAAAAA ur responses made me happy

Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein