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Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon 11.2

by soundofmind


Chapter 11 Part Two - Ambush? More like Ampushed me into the Ground

Clandestine had Elliot tied to Billy as she rode her dark steed on the well-traveled path out of town. The sun was rising higher in the clear sky, and the air felt cool. The winds from the south spun the cool air around her and brought with them a crisp clarity that the dusty desert lacked. The further she traveled, the more life she found in the forest. She was glad to have spotted countless signs of wildlife as the trees became greener and taller, and the underbrush got thicker. But she was grateful for the trail of stumbling footprints that she found mixed with those of a horse. The moment they'd strayed into the grassier forest floor, they became unclear but she'd paid enough attention to recognize the print of Tiberius's shoes in the mud. She honestly couldn't tell whether he was following the horse or leading it, but she couldn't imagine a reason for him to be in front since he was captured and all.

She looked over to Elliot as she began to lead them off the path.

"You know his scent, dont'chya? Does it smell like Tiberius?" she asked, knowing he wouldn't reply. Elliot just followed along obediently.

"Well it better be Tiberius," she said under her breath. "Or whatever his name is."

She sighed as they entered the shade of the trees and followed the faint trail. There was no telling how long it would take to catch up to them, and she knew she wasn't out of the woods yet. Dangers could still await her as she diverged off the road, and she had to stay alert.

Her pounding headache wasn't helping. The bruise the bounty hunter left her was a big one. She touched the back of her head again and groaned. But as she heard a shuffle in the forest, she froze. Were she just on Billy, she could quickly dash, but she had Elliot in tow. If there was a creature lying in wait that meant she'd have to fight.

But it wasn't a creature.

A hooded figure leaped out of a tree right in front of Billy, causing the horses to startle. Elliot neighed and pulled sharply on the lead rope, pulling her saddle to the side. Billy took a few hurried steps back, and she could feel the tension in his muscles under her legs.

"Woah!" she shouted, trying to give Billy a comforting pat to calm him down. The pats didn't last long though. What started as one hooded figure turned to three, and one of them rushed between Billy and Elliot with lightning speed, slicing away at the rope attaching the two with a sword. Clandestine could feel the panic wash over her as his heart began to race.

She drew her sword, and turned Billy around to chase after them, but one of the thieves was already leading the scared and confused Elliot away. Elliot tugged and threw his mane with a shake of his head, but it was clear the horse was only getting more stressed. As she zeroed in on the thief with the sword, the other suddenly jumped in front of Billy again, causing him to stumble. She shook, and instead of fighting to regain balance she swung off of Billy and launched her feet into the back of the thief beside them. They very quickly dropped their sword and thudded to the ground with a pained yelp. She stepped off of them and regained her footing as she whirled around to face the horse snatcher in front of Billy.

"Get out of here, quick!" the man shouted from behind his covered mouth. Her eyes shot over to Elliot being hurried away with the first hooded figure who'd opposed her.

"You're not taking Billy!" Clandestine growled as she rushed the unarmed thief with her sword. She watched as they reached into their cloak and pulled out a small dagger to block her swing, but they weren't strong enough to push back. The dagger went spiraling out of the thief's hands to the ground, and Clandestine caught her sword on their cloak, ripping it partially and then flinging it over their face. The moment they couldn't see, she rammed into them, pushing them to the ground.

She wasted no time. She sheathed her sword and leaped back up onto Billy, who was ready to bolt the moment she grabbed the reins. They kicked up dust onto the thieves they left behind and hurried after Elliot and the final thief.

She watched as the thief looked back, visibly froze in panic, and then leaped up onto Elliot's back. But what followed, she hadn't expected.

Elliot didn't budge. The moment the hooded woman took her place in the saddle Elliot came to a full stop, no matter how many times the woman urged him, first with kind words and then with anxious nudges and flicks of the reins as Clandestine and Billy approached. Clandestine drew her gun and cocked it, pinning it on the woman's chest.

"Get off my horse," she said through grit teeth. It wasn't her horse, but she wasn't going to say that.

The woman froze and rose her hands above her head.

"Look, you don't have to - Ahh!"

Elliot reared and threw the woman off his back, and then ran off into the forest. Clandestine yelled after him as she turned Billy around.

"Elliot! No! Wait! Stop!" But her protests fell on deaf ears, and before she could spur Billy forward, a shot whizzed past her head. Clandestine froze for a half a second and then ducked down off of Billy again. They wanted the horses. They weren't going to shoot Billy. They couldn't shoot Billy. If they did she'd- well she didn't know what she would do, but boy, was she lucky that shot didn't land.

She landed on the forest floor with a soft paf of her boots. She tucked her gun away as she snuck around the tree. The gun was only ever a bluff. She used it to harm monsters, not people. Or at least, that's... that's what she'd intended to do.

She saw a flash running through the trees. Their short cloak flowed behind them. She lost track of the other two, but dammit, they were fast. What they lacked in strength they made up for in obnoxious speed. She hesitantly hovered her hand over the hilt of her sword at her side.

"I'm warning you-" she began to speak out into the forest, unsure of where her sentence would lead. "If you guys don't stop-" her words cut off abruptly when she caught movement in the corner of her eye. She ducked. A knife lodged itself in the tree.

On her right, the guy she'd kicked in the back reappeared and knocked her between her shoulder blades with his elbow. Oh, gods, yeah, it had to be his elbow. She groaned as she stumbled to the forest floor and spun around so she was facing upright. She tried to throw herself to her feet but a foot stomped on her chest. She lost air.

She stared up at the two faces above her as if the moment were frozen in time. From below, she could look up into hoods at their shadowed faces. One: a young teenaged boy. He couldn't have been more than 16. He had a big nose and deep-set eyes. The other was a woman. She was probably in her early twenties, but the dark circles under her eyes aged her. They both looked angry, and frustrated, and scared.

She wanted to talk to them, but she could feel the woman's heel digging into her chest. Billy let out a distressed neigh. Tears began to spring up in her eyes, stinging as she fought them back and pushed herself up against the boot.

"You're not taking him," she growled through grit teeth. The woman pushed down harder. Clandestine propped herself up with clenched fists stuck into the ground. As the boy reached inside his cloak for another weapon, Clandestine let out a feral growl. She grabbed the woman's foot and twisted her leg, throwing her to the ground. As she rose to her feet and looked down at the boy, she saw his wide-eyes glued to her hands. She looked down.

Her hands were on fire.

As she looked back up at the boy, her voice was laced with an anger that shook her, and scared her.

"I'm taking back my horse," she said coolly. The boy didn't reply. He stood frozen, and she waved a flaming hand towards his face. He bolted. The woman fled soon after him.

She turned and rushed over to Billy, who was standing obediently in waiting. The remaining bandit abandoned Billy's lead and let go, running after their companions. As Clandestine pulled herself back up into the saddle, she could feel her body begin to ache.

It started in her fingers and spread up her arms. Her muscles were burning. It felt like... like she'd just done a bunch of push-ups, but all she'd done was gotten angry. She spurred Billy forward in the direction Elliot had fled but she found she couldn't stop looking down at her hands.

I didn't even try to make the fire that time, she thought. And now they know I'm a mage.

Her heart was still racing, but as she looked back at where the bandits disappeared, she worried. She worried about Elliot. She worried about Tiberius. She worried about herself, and being found out. She flicked the reins.

"Hurry up, Billy," she urged in anxious despondence. "If we don't find Elliot soon I'm probably gonna cry again, and I don't wanna cry again."


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Sun Jan 31, 2021 4:59 am
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Carina says...



ohohoohoho they're gonna report her somewhere and now she's gonna be wanted as mage now, huh




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Thu Jul 02, 2020 11:35 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)

Continuing chapter 11

First Impression: Well that sucks for her. Also where are those goblins? And I guess she is now in almost as much trouble as Tiberius, probably more trouble because they will not be taking her alive.

Anyway let us get to it,

Her pounding headache wasn't helping. The bruise the bounty hunter left her was a big one. She touched the back of her head again and groaned. But as she heard a shuffle in the forest, she froze. Were she just on Billy, she could quickly dash, but she had Elliot in tow. If there was a creature lying in wait that meant she'd have to fight.


Did she not put any medicine on it?

She drew her sword, and turned Billy around to chase after them, but one of the thieves was already leading the scared and confused Elliot away. Elliot tugged and threw his mane with a shake of his head, but it was clear the horse was only getting more stressed. As she zeroed in on the thief with the sword, the other suddenly jumped in front of Billy again, causing him to stumble. She shook, and instead of fighting to regain balance she swung off of Billy and launched her feet into the back of the thief beside them. They very quickly dropped their sword and thudded to the ground with a pained yelp. She stepped off of them and regained her footing as she whirled around to face the horse snatcher in front of Billy.


Nice little action scene right there. Flows very well.

Elliot didn't budge. The moment the hooded woman took her place in the saddle Elliot came to a full stop, no matter how many times the woman urged him, first with kind words and then with anxious nudges and flicks of the reins as Clandestine and Billy approached. Clandestine drew her gun and cocked it, pinning it on the woman's chest.


Well Elliot is a very smart horse.

They couldn't shoot Billy. If they did she'd- well she didn't know what she would do, but boy, was she lucky that shot didn't land.


Why didn't they just lead with the gun? They could've stayed in the bushes and shot her as she rode past. Seems like bad planning on their end.

Her hands were on fire.


So now she's starting to lose control of when it happens. Earlier she had to focus very hard to get it to work.

It started in her fingers and spread up her arms. Her muscles were burning. It felt like... like she'd just done a bunch of push-ups, but all she'd done was gotten angry. She spurred Billy forward in the direction Elliot had fled but she found she couldn't stop looking down at her hands.


Good consistency with the fatigue.

"Hurry up, Billy," she urged in anxious despondence. "If we don't find Elliot soon I'm probably gonna cry again, and I don't wanna cry again."


Well that's relatable. She truly is in a horrible situation.

And that's it.

Overall: Nice action scene. Surprise bandits executing a bit of a silly plan. They could've attacked her with the throwing knives and guns when her back was turned and they probably would've been much more successful. But now we have the complication of people maybe finding out that she is a mage.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Feb 07, 2019 2:36 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



hey sound! I'm back again eeee I'm ready for more so let's go (also I'm Definitely Not running out of introductions at this point. obviously not)


Clandestine had Elliot tied to Billy as she rode her dark steed on the well-traveled path out of town.


!! I kind of had a feeling she would do this and I'm SUPER GLAD that you acknowledged it and didn't pull like, a lazy move and been like "Elliot? who?" because I know other writers might have done that but !! the horses!!! important babies <3
the way this is phrased is a little odd? like, Elliot was tied to Billy while]she was riding him out of town or only when she's riding out of town? I know what you meant but just a little heads up

The winds from the south spun the cool air around her


air moving fast from south pushes air not moving fast around clanny

She honestly couldn't tell whether he was following the horse or leading it


If he was leading it, wouldn't the horse's hoofprints be on top of his and no the other way around?

"You know his scent, dont'chya? Does it smell like Tiberius?"


like Tiberius, Elliot can also assume other identities. secretly, he's really a dog, but Tiberius needed a horse for a while so he's in disguise.

Were she just on Billy, she could quickly dash, but she had Elliot in tow.


I mean? Elliot seems like a wall-mannered horse? We do this when we're training them sometimes? We pony one horse while riding the other and we'll still run around with the second horse (usually no faster than a canter but I can't imagine she'd need anything faster)?

Elliot neighed and pulled sharply on the lead rope, pulling her saddle to the side.


Because today is a day of horsey nitpicks, I'm back at it again *finger guns*
Okay so 1) if the saddle is sliding it means the girth is too loose and she did a bad job of tightening it. It also means that, if it slid that much, it would probably keep sliding off to the side (fun fact! this happened to me at a trail ride once!) and then 2) this is a little less significant, but horses don't usually make a noise when they get startled? jerking, yes.

Elliot tugged and threw his mane with a shake of his head, but it was clear the horse was only getting more stressed.


He is making clear signs of stress but he is... getting more stressed? (it's a lil contradictory haha)

The moment the hooded woman took her place in the saddle Elliot came to a full stop, no matter how many times the woman urged him, first with kind words and then with anxious nudges and flicks of the reins as Clandestine and Billy approached.


horse thief doesn't know how to ride horses (I'm assuming? you know that flicking the reins is not a way to get your horse to go? and just a sign of the thief's incompetence?)

before she could spur Billy forward, a shot whizzed past her head. Clandestine froze for a half a second and then ducked down off of Billy again.


Elliot's running away and she gets shot at so why does she get off of Billy? If he's running with her on his back, why would they risk the shot anyway? they'd be a fast moving target and the bandits are on foot. She'd be out of range quicker and after Elliot faster too.

She lost air.


don't you hate when you just, lose air?

"I'm taking back my horse," she said coolly.


her hands are on fire but her voice sure isn't.


OH GOD she used her magic in front of people. Also?? Clanny?? angry?? that was something?? Not what I was expecting either?? I think there could be more like, build-up or description of her anger though, because she just kinda, get mads, hands are on fire, scares people off, and then it's all over and she's tired and ready to cry again. It feels a little bit forced at the end there? Like it just needed to happen so it was just kinda, put there? I don't know, I feel like it should have been more dramatic than it was but maybe that's just because I write too many angry characters haha.


I feel like other people seeing Clandestine using her magic is going to come back to bite her in the near future. I can see it now: Clandestine and Tiberius on the run from the law, both for treason. They really are a dynamic duo.


Also, for personal reasons, I love that its because of people trying to steal her horse that she gets so worked up. yes!!! they deserve that!!! we need more characters who love their horses the way Clanny does!!


and just for good measure: magic!! horses!! :D


Okay so? I think that's all I have today? More Exciting Things are happening and I'm basking in it. you got me, I'm all hyped up and super glad I'm finally catching up (one day soON).

I hope you're having a wonderful time! <3




soundofmind says...


If he was leading it, wouldn't the horse's hoofprints be on top of his and no the other way around?

...YES.... *sweating*

like Tiberius, Elliot can also assume other identities. secretly, he's really a dog, but Tiberius needed a horse for a while so he's in disguise.

CLANDESTINE IS JUST TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION.... with... horses

Elliot's running away and she gets shot at so why does she get off of Billy? If he's running with her on his back, why would they risk the shot anyway?

not pictured: me, sweating again
it's because i needed her on the ground so the bandits could overpower her and she would be desperate enough that she'd unintentionally go fwoom! firE!

YOUR HORSE NITPICKS ARE SO INCREDIBLY HELPFUL BECAUSE I!! KNOW!!! NOTHING!!!! ...thank u so much this is so valuable *holds review close*



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Sun Jan 27, 2019 12:27 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi there @soundofmind I am here to do a review on your work.
What I like about this
I love your description it is really good I can see the hole in tear image in my head of what things look like, you are grate at coming up with names as well, I find that is one of the hard bits for me when it comes to coming up with names I struggle with that, I feel like your characters all have a sprite part in this story that is played,I feel like when you write there is just so much deatal in one line

wowograte sentences here

Clandestine had Elliot tied to Billy as she rode her dark steed on the well-traveled path out of town.
I love this line for the opening to this chapter, so much wisdom in your writing.

The Plot
I feel like this is really getting some were now so much happening here, The Plot to this story I feel is really moving for word, and I feel like, as it get going a bit more, I feel like I am being drone to reading this, I also feel like your chapters are grate length not to short and not to long, I find a lot of people can make it to short so it is not really a chapter, or it is to long, but I feel like you did a grate job here.
So that is all that I can say, so keep up the grate work here.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill
Happy review day.




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Sun Jan 06, 2019 12:56 am
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Omni wrote a review...



Hey sound! NOW THAT I’M CAUGHT UP I can like, actually review pieces as they come out. I’m excited! Although, I do remember that, like, last review I said I was worried with this piece completely losing its momentum because of the positions the characters find themselves in. Let’s see how right or wrong I was.

I don’t know why, but I was sure Alex brought Elliot with them as he captured James, but now that I think about it, that just doesn’t make sense. CARRY ON.

Ooh, a fight scene? Or, well, ACTION. Action is a good way to keep up the momentum, and of course there would be bandits on the road at all times, and someone with two horses is easier to pounce on instead of a person with one horse.

"You're not taking Billy!"

Do you mean Elliot? Or ARE THEY also taking Billy? I think it’s the former xD or MAYBE Clandestine is just throwing them off, but I’m not quite sure why she would lol. OH okay you actually meant Billy. Well, it was a bit confusing because you talked about Elliot right before that sentence. Perhaps if you were like “Clandestine looked over to Billy, seeing them grabbing the reins.”

Darn, so wow did Clandestine get a full power-up here! You were catching up with my reviews, and I said that Clandestine felt inept at what she did, but she was really badass here! Like, wow what a turnaround here. I’m happy to see this change. I wonder how you’ll explain it, though, because it’s a quite abrupt change.

Okay, so remember my thing about saying Clandestine felt like she was a monster. I think you do this here, even if it’s unintentionally! Like, she growled, and boy I hope you lean into this as much as you can because like, it makes so much sense!

Wow, this chapter is really good! You kept up the momentum with an action scene, which I have to say I wasn’t expecting so it was a pleasant surprise. Then you really pushed Clandestine into a different position than she was. In just this one part, you turned her from a bumbling, rambling comic relief to a badass monster who might definitely still be haunted by her past. What a turnaround! But, I do still worry (like wow okay Omnom of course you still worry, that’s literally your shtick) because this was such a sudden change, how are you going to explain it away? There’s a lot of good ways to do so, of course, but you should definitely explain it. But wow, WAY TO GO CLANNY that was amazing. Can’t wait for next week!




soundofmind says...


I'M KIND OF JUST writing this on the assumption that I'll go back and make her more capable and badass in the beginning, so I won't HAVe to end up explaining her sudden badassery as much?? BUT I'M GLAD you like the implications of her feeling like a monster. It's a fun conflict... with her being a monster hunter and all ;)

I didn't want it to be super outright, but I think it's clear she's scared of her magic and what it can do, and that she's not very practiced in controlling her abilities.

I'm glad you liked the action!! It was planned ahead of time but I spiced it up just for u ;))) and because u was right, it was kinda boring how I planned the bandit thing before - there was a lot less fighting and she went fiery from the start but I figured I had to work her up to that level of involuntary-magic stress so... cue more fighting!



Omni says...


I totally get that! But you kinda end up in a kind of limbo where this draft, as it is right now, doesn't make sense because you're writing it with the next draft in mind. So, I would still definitely explain it, even simply, in the near future!

Yeah I would be scared of my magic too! Definitely want it to be her that started the fire XD ~we didn't start the fire~... but Clanny did

And I'm SO GLAD YOU SPICED UP THE ACTION because it works much better here! I'm not sure how you wanted to plan it before, but it's so good here XD I liike it :D



soundofmind says...


TRUE,,, TRue,, I will try to remember and find a place to explain. I honestly don't know... how to explain it tho lol. Just like. She was very determined not to let them steal her horses b/c Billy is like. Her #1 companion and one of her best friends (dare I say, THE best friend). So maybe I could just touch on that?? The emotional motivation to go full-badass to protect the horsie lol



Omni says...


That could be cool, but also it may be that she just... like found the will to live again? And it was looking for Matt/James/Tiberius?



soundofmind says...


AH... YES. THAT TOO. Fighting for someone else's life can be a strong motivator to keep fighting for your own!




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