(Note: It's a song~ I sing a *rough* version of it here [somehow managing to mess up the words, the tempo/speed, some chords, and lots of things] if you want to get an idea of the melody. I always imagined it with a guitar, but I only have a piano.)
Stop and smell the roses but
Don't stay too long
It takes years to catch up and
By then she'll be gone
Don't worry 'bout tomorrow,
It worries itself
If you keep treading carefully
You may just find help
But I can't carry on when I don't have
a load
There's no keep going forward when
there is no road
All my intuition does is lead me to hell
Oh, I'm tired of doing these things by
myself
Stop and take a load off
But don't leave too much
It takes years to get back
What you've left in the dust
Don't worry 'bout the clock, dear,
It ticks on it's own
If you listen real carefully
You won't won't feel alone
And I can't carry on when I don't have a load
There's no keep going forward when there is no road
All my intuition does is lead me to hell
Oh, I'm tired of doing these things by myself
Stop and take a rest here,
But don't sleep too hard
It takes years to wake up
And you'll be caught off guard
Don't worry 'bout the nighttime
When it falls too fast
If you let it come swiftly
You'll feel safe at last
Oh, I don't carry on when I don't have a load
There's no keep going forward when there is no road
All my intuition does is lead me to hell
And I'm tired of doing these things by myself
Oh, I'm tired of doing these things in my hell
I am in awe I wish i was that good at writing music. It has so much emotion although I think you use the word LOAD a lot but otherwise I'm in love with this song. I personally write music as well as play the electric guitar and this is amazing. Great work I wanna see more.
I am in awe I wish i was that good at writing music. It has so much emotion although I think you use the word LOAD a lot but otherwise I'm in love with this song. I personally write music as well as play the electric guitar and this is amazing. Great work I wanna see more.
The first line felt really familiar.Well because it is used a lot as a starting line.But let's go over that and looked at the other part of this work.
To be honest the start did not take my attention (not like I am an easy one anyways so..).
But still I will not stop there because I have the feeling that deserves the short review that I can give atleast.The mid size lines are perfect in my opinion but the short ones following them...I do not know honestly.It sounds off and not connected around the second para.Maybe the first does not need correction but the second does.Maybe only a second look.It is not going on the smoothly and it needs some more work to be done on it but overall I think you had started very well and these small mistakes are not anything that is unfixable.Maybe you could be more detailed to make us imagine what we see,hear etc.
Keep on writing so readers have what to read!
Hullo! Thought I'd take a look at this...
Specifics
1. I'm not sure how I feel about the opening line being a well known phrase. It's familiar and that may make listener comfortable but it's also not going to grab a listener's attention and hook them in. Maybe if you changed just one word like roses to lilies then it would be more intriguing, though you should probably research flowers and their extra meanings to find an appropriate one.
2. I'm not sure about the second stanza as it contradicts itself. The first line says don't worry but the third suggest you still need to tread carefully if you want to find help.
3.
But I can't carry on when I don't have
a load
There's no keep going forward when
there is no road
All my intuition does is lead me to hell
Oh, I'm tired of doing these things by
myself
I think the last line might flow better as 'When you're not on your guard'.Stop and take a rest here,
But don't sleep too hard
It takes years to wake up
And you'll be caught off guard
YO OKAY JUST STOPPING IN TO SAY THAT WAS F---ING RAD LIKE OKAY I JUST LOVE NATURAL VOICES SINGING SOFT SONGS LIKE AHHHHHHH OKAY SOORRRY I JUST REALLY LIKED LISTENING TO THE RECORDING
120,302 Literary Works • 649,427 Reviews
Points: 391
Reviews: 15
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