Deleted

Hello, again, I'm here to review another one of your collaborative poems.

The first thing I noticed about this poem is the length. But as in the words of Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants: "Short, sweet, and to the point."

One thing I'd like to point out is something Rydia and Nikayla had already pointed out: The first and second line. I'd like to see them flipped around as well. The second line seems like something that would start a poem because of the wording.

Also, when you're mentioning Sassafras's name, you forgot an s at the end. Just a writing mistake, I heard all about those.

Overall, this was a cute, short little poem you three wrote, and I can't wait for your third collaborative poem you publish!

~gxldencrxwns

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

As with Rydia, I'm also a fan of collaborative poetry and what it can teach. What I'm not as much of a fan of is the fact that the people who wrote which lines are pointed out. This shouldn't matter to the reader since all of the individual poets are connecting to make a collaborative poem. The individual writers shouldn't matter as much, and by pointing out who wrote what, I believe that takes away from the feeling of completeness.

I found this to be on the nicer side, though I have to agree with Rydia that I'd like to see the first two lines flipped around. At the same time, the fundamental problem of this piece is that this is a little lacking in substance. I'm not saying that this is the worst happening when it comes to poetry since this does take a more minimalist approach with the poem starting and wrapping up in only six lines, I felt something to be missing.

Not something that needs to be there, but instead something I'd like to be there. There's a lot of potential for this to be elongated for a stronger effect on the reader. Depends on what you're wanting to go for here. This is short and sweet and it does that well enough under a similar voice, though I'd like to see an attempt at doing this in a longer poem. Keeping the same tone and atmosphere with a handful of different people collaborating.

Short and sweet for what it is, like I said. Nothing particularly wrong with this one, though there isn't anything particularly spectacular that made me absolutely adore this either. Nice work though! If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hey there! So I love these kind of poetry collabs/ games because I think adapting to or mimicking the styles of others can teach us a lot.

Specifics

1. I'd actually love to see the first two lines flipped around because I think it would fow a bit better and the imabic beat of the second line is stronger so once the reader has read that, they then will automatically read the second line in the same da-dum da-dum da-dum rhythm. I guess that's what I mean by improving the flow.

2. So we had 8 and 9 syllables in the first lines and then we have 9 and 8 here which makes me an even bigger fan of swapping those two lines so that the same pattern is followed. I'm not sure of the repetition of many here - I think you could replace the second and third use with a more interesting word. Such as:

'Twas many a year since I was born
A hoard of nights, an untold morn

3. I like that the last two lines return to the image of the stones but I'd suggest cutting 'many' from the first line, which would also take it down to the correct 8 syllable length. I'm also not sure we need both solitude and alone since they mean the same thing - perhaps one could be replaced to bring in more imagery or another emotion?

Overall

This is a cute poem and I think you've done well to each write a part and have them flow together so seamlessly. Now the next challenge is to write something longer!

All the best with this,

~Heather