I am sent crashing through waves of sheets,
where my grey thoughts blur on the horizon
and the water ripples forward.
My dreams are stars covered by clouds
swirling in a storm in an ever darkening sky.
I'm dying to swim;
while life goes on.
Hey, there! I enjoyed this short poem, and read through it twice to grasp the meaning. I like how you've depicted your thoughts as blurry. This is relatable to me on many occasions. You want to grip those fleeting thoughts, but they just evade you. I like this depiction. I also like how you've said, "My dreams are stars covered by clouds. . . ." This is just a really strong line. It feels like it has so much depth to explore. There is so much meaning that could lie behind this statement, and I love it. The first line and your description "waves of sheets" is definitely different, but in context, I think I get what you're saying. Given the mood and imagery used throughout the rest of the poem, this first one doesn't quite seem to fit, but I'm not at all saying it's bad. I can agree with what's been said below: You're imaginative; and that's a bonus in itself.The final two lines also resonate with me a lot. How often we want to escape to our dreams when reality forces us to live a seemingly less exciting life. Again, very relatable. Seeing as you've used capitalization only at the beginning of sentences and for the pronoun "I," my advice would be to just go ahead and remove the capitalization of "My" in "My dreams," etc. If you were to do this, you should replace the period that separates sentences there with a semicolon. I'd also replace the semicolon between the last two lines with just a comma, or maybe even no punctuation at all.That being said, I'll conclude my review. Once again, great work!
Hello, hello! Cow here! I'm loving the first line, the way you compare the waves to sheets or the sheets to waves, honestly either one works! It's wonderful imagery and sets a good tone or mood for the rest of the poem. The next two lines are beautiful and smooth to read, I love the idea of your thoughts being grey and then blurrirng, as that's very easy to imagine. Its just... the imagery and description is wonderful. I could read it all day long, its makes me happy. The whole poem is very well written and describe. Overall, a very pleasant read with meaning that I can sadly, relate to. - Cow
Hi there silented1! Tuck here to offer you my humble thoughts on this poem, and cross a few items off my Checklist Challenge while I'm at it. My favorite lines from this poem were "My dreams are stars covered by clouds // swirling in a storm in an ever darkening sky." You incorporated several fresh images that created a strong visual representation in my mind. I would say that this is the strongest couplet from this poem, and while the other lines come close, they don't have the same power as these lines. I'd like to go through some analysis of this poem and possibly pitch some suggestions for potential improvement.
I am sent crashing through waves of sheets,where my grey thoughts blur on the horizonand the water ripples forward.
Hello @silented1..This is Mahira here for a review. So after reading this poem I would like to say your imagination is truly awesome. I was surprised by the heights of imagery you have used in this poetry. Wow!Now coming to the message. I, to be very honest, could not comprehend the message you aimed to deliver. It could be my mistake, but I think it would have been really better if you had elaborated your work some more. One thing I got to understand is that, how one feels when one is frustrated and grows tired of the ongoings in one's surroundings and there's nobody to talk to. Am I right? The way you projected that feeling of depression as that of a dying fish was beautiful. It is so sometimes, when you really need a strong shoulder to rest your head on, but you get none.Well, whatever it was, it was wonderful and I really enjoyed reading it! I hope to read more like these from you. Thank you for this piece of work. Keep writing!RegardsMahira
Hi! The tone I'm getting from this poem is very intense, conveying strong feelings of desperation and powerlessness. I like how vividly you have painted a picture in the reader's mind in such a brief poem!1. I think "grey thoughts blur on the horizon" is a cleverly subtle way to set the mood, meshing the speaker's feelings with the setting so we can picture both at once. In general, I love how you've described the speaker's surroundings here.2. The sound effects in "swirling in a storm" create an epic climax for the piece, with the softer sounds of s suddenly being broken up by the t in storm. Using the sounds of words to carry the meaning is always great in poetry.3. "waves of sheets" and "dreams are stars covered by clouds" are both evocative images. Again, they make the speaker's feelings concrete by tying them to something in nature. Two metaphors in a short piece might be a bit much, though. I personally like being able to expand on one metaphor more in a poem as opposed to squeezing in many metaphors.4. Perhaps the semi-colon in the second-last line is unnecessary?Overall, this is a nice little emotion poem, though I'd love to see the images developed further, maybe to explore more ideas and intricacies. You're great at conveying intensity here, which makes me want to see more.Cheers!Liminality
Hey there! I hope you're having a great day I really like this! The imagery is really vivid and the entire thing is very relatable. The words you chose flowed nicely together to create a pretty picture and a feeling of half-sadness, half-hope. That's the feeling it gave me, at least. Very nice! Very pretty! I love it!
Hi @silented1 I'm here to do a short review on this poem, so lets get right into it shell we.I really like how you started this poem, it had a great flow, and your description, really came out for me, you gave me a lot of amazing images when I read it, I could just imagine, the ocean mixed in with clouds stars and the storm. It all just came together really well, I don't think you could have done it any better then this, I don't read a lot of poems like this, and when I do I love and cherish them Anyway I don't want to bore you with my compliments I just want to let you no that I really liked it, and I don't come around these kind of poems often. This is all that I can say, I really loved this poem and hope to read more in the future. I hope that you have a great Day/Night@Vulcanite siring over the green room sparing shards of reviews as she went
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