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I languish all the tide.

by silented1


I am sent crashing through waves of sheets,

where my grey thoughts blur on the horizon

and the water ripples forward.

My dreams are stars covered by clouds

swirling in a storm in an ever darkening sky.

I'm dying to swim;

while life goes on.


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Tue Sep 22, 2020 12:42 am
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! I enjoyed this short poem, and read through it twice to grasp the meaning. I like how you've depicted your thoughts as blurry. This is relatable to me on many occasions. You want to grip those fleeting thoughts, but they just evade you. I like this depiction.

I also like how you've said, "My dreams are stars covered by clouds. . . ." This is just a really strong line. It feels like it has so much depth to explore. There is so much meaning that could lie behind this statement, and I love it.

The first line and your description "waves of sheets" is definitely different, but in context, I think I get what you're saying. Given the mood and imagery used throughout the rest of the poem, this first one doesn't quite seem to fit, but I'm not at all saying it's bad. I can agree with what's been said below: You're imaginative; and that's a bonus in itself.

The final two lines also resonate with me a lot. How often we want to escape to our dreams when reality forces us to live a seemingly less exciting life. Again, very relatable.

Seeing as you've used capitalization only at the beginning of sentences and for the pronoun "I," my advice would be to just go ahead and remove the capitalization of "My" in "My dreams," etc. If you were to do this, you should replace the period that separates sentences there with a semicolon. I'd also replace the semicolon between the last two lines with just a comma, or maybe even no punctuation at all.

That being said, I'll conclude my review. Once again, great work!




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 5:06 am
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Cow wrote a review...



Hello, hello! Cow here!

I'm loving the first line, the way you compare the waves to sheets or the sheets to waves, honestly either one works! It's wonderful imagery and sets a good tone or mood for the rest of the poem.
The next two lines are beautiful and smooth to read, I love the idea of your thoughts being grey and then blurrirng, as that's very easy to imagine.
Its just... the imagery and description is wonderful. I could read it all day long, its makes me happy. The whole poem is very well written and describe.
Overall, a very pleasant read with meaning that I can sadly, relate to.
- Cow




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 2:23 am
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there silented1! Tuck here to offer you my humble thoughts on this poem, and cross a few items off my Checklist Challenge while I'm at it.

My favorite lines from this poem were "My dreams are stars covered by clouds // swirling in a storm in an ever darkening sky." You incorporated several fresh images that created a strong visual representation in my mind. I would say that this is the strongest couplet from this poem, and while the other lines come close, they don't have the same power as these lines. I'd like to go through some analysis of this poem and possibly pitch some suggestions for potential improvement.

I am sent crashing through waves of sheets,
where my grey thoughts blur on the horizon
and the water ripples forward.

"Waves of sheets" doesn't work for me as a mixed metaphor. Especially as an introductory line, it doesn't have as much strength behind it as I would like to see. The second line creates a better image for me, as it incorporates new ideas and strong verbs, and then the third line feels weaker again. "Water" is a weak noun, comparatively speaking, so I'd suggest replacing it. Nonetheless, I like the idea of movement and pulsation that you explore in this last sentence, and would love to see you play with it more moving forward!

And last but not least, your final stanza. Overall, I liked the resounding idea, but I think there are a few ways you could have strengthened this just by tidying it up slightly. For example, your last line is a powerful ending, but tying some previously introduced images and themes would make it even stronger. Secondly, "dying to swim" didn't have the power I'd like to see in it either. Showing the struggle a different way, perhaps by exploring this idea a little more, would lend some finality to the last line.

And as a quick comment on your title, I like the title itself, but it doesn't seem to connect to the ideas you share in the poem. You don't mention the theme of tides, and languish is also a verb that you don't introduce. Personally, I believe that if there was more of a direct connection between the poem and the title (i.e. a shared word), it would be a stronger title, but that's personal preference and not a requirement.

Overall, however, this has the bones of an excellent poem! I sometimes get carried away sharing all of my ideas and suggestion for how to make a good poem even better, so I apologize if my tone was too harsh. My intention was not to tear down your poem or make you feel as if it is inadequate, but rather to share some ideas on how you could take this from good to great. I would love to see the changes you make to this poem, and I hope to see more from you in the future! Feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns.

Best,
Tuck




silented1 says...


You were not too harsh, I welcome any review. =]



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Thu Sep 17, 2020 11:54 am
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nanda wrote a review...



Hello @silented1..
This is Mahira here for a review.
So after reading this poem I would like to say your imagination is truly awesome. I was surprised by the heights of imagery you have used in this poetry. Wow!
Now coming to the message. I, to be very honest, could not comprehend the message you aimed to deliver. It could be my mistake, but I think it would have been really better if you had elaborated your work some more.
One thing I got to understand is that, how one feels when one is frustrated and grows tired of the ongoings in one's surroundings and there's nobody to talk to. Am I right? The way you projected that feeling of depression as that of a dying fish was beautiful. It is so sometimes, when you really need a strong shoulder to rest your head on, but you get none.
Well, whatever it was, it was wonderful and I really enjoyed reading it!
I hope to read more like these from you. Thank you for this piece of work. Keep writing!

Regards
Mahira




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Thu Sep 17, 2020 10:49 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi! The tone I'm getting from this poem is very intense, conveying strong feelings of desperation and powerlessness. I like how vividly you have painted a picture in the reader's mind in such a brief poem!

1. I think "grey thoughts blur on the horizon" is a cleverly subtle way to set the mood, meshing the speaker's feelings with the setting so we can picture both at once. In general, I love how you've described the speaker's surroundings here.

2. The sound effects in "swirling in a storm" create an epic climax for the piece, with the softer sounds of s suddenly being broken up by the t in storm. Using the sounds of words to carry the meaning is always great in poetry.

3. "waves of sheets" and "dreams are stars covered by clouds" are both evocative images. Again, they make the speaker's feelings concrete by tying them to something in nature. Two metaphors in a short piece might be a bit much, though. I personally like being able to expand on one metaphor more in a poem as opposed to squeezing in many metaphors.

4. Perhaps the semi-colon in the second-last line is unnecessary?

Overall, this is a nice little emotion poem, though I'd love to see the images developed further, maybe to explore more ideas and intricacies. You're great at conveying intensity here, which makes me want to see more.

Cheers!
Liminality




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Thu Sep 17, 2020 1:43 am
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ChamomilePendragon wrote a review...



Hey there! I hope you're having a great day :)

I really like this! The imagery is really vivid and the entire thing is very relatable. The words you chose flowed nicely together to create a pretty picture and a feeling of half-sadness, half-hope. That's the feeling it gave me, at least.

Very nice! Very pretty! I love it!




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Wed Sep 16, 2020 11:06 pm
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Vulcanite wrote a review...



Hi @silented1 I'm here to do a short review on this poem, so lets get right into it shell we.
I really like how you started this poem, it had a great flow, and your description, really came out for me, you gave me a lot of amazing images when I read it, I could just imagine, the ocean mixed in with clouds stars and the storm. It all just came together really well, I don't think you could have done it any better then this, I don't read a lot of poems like this, and when I do I love and cherish them :)

Anyway I don't want to bore you with my compliments I just want to let you no that I really liked it, and I don't come around these kind of poems often. This is all that I can say, I really loved this poem and hope to read more in the future. :)

I hope that you have a great Day/Night

@Vulcanite siring over the green room sparing shards of reviews as she went





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