Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! It looks like a bit of a reboot here so I thought I'd take a peek.
First Impression: Okay..so this is an interesting little opening here. We've got pretty much all the sorts of elements you need here, a good hint at exactly what sort of characters we're dealing with and of course some neat tension there to end on.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Are you going to finish that or give it here?"
Jashir laughed and dazedly turned to face his friend. "Why, do you want it? You can't possibly like how it tastes." He sat cross-legged on the packed dirt floor in the back of the root cellar. He was facing a blonde boy with a ruddy complexion who was also laughing. The blonde fellow leaned over him wobbly and mischievous.
"I do like it." Leikin retorted before he stole the bottle out of Jashi's hands. He then crumpled back into his previous position, leaned back against a barrel of ale with his neck crooked forward and his back resting on the ground. Jashir had previously chastised him. 'You shouldn't drink like that for fear of drowning!' Leikin thought it was amusing it got such a big reaction from his friend, as if he was ever afraid of drowning.
Oooh okay....it seems we've got ourselves a bit of a relaxed opening here. I love the way this is picking up here. There's a rather nice sense of friendship immediately evident in the few lines of dialogue and just the actions that we're seeing here, and we're getting a decent idea of their surroundings and position too, which is adding in some great extra details about what sort of people they could be.
Jashi had frozen the moment the taller boy leaned over him. He now brushed a lock of his dark brown hair off his forehead and studied his trimmed nails for a moment, pretending to appear disgruntled. Leikin had a way of making him feel patronized. Sometimes though being around him was the only way Jashir felt like smiling, it was a strange companionship they developed in the orphanage.
At last, after an unnerving minute of silence, he looked back at what he expected to be Leikin's teasing face. Instead, he saw an upturned bottle with a cap and fuzzy blonde hair. He was finishing the alcohol. If they were caught, they would have to work off every coin. Why was he insane? Not to mention how sick he'd feel the next day. "Leikin! What time is it? " He half shouted, panicked. If it was midday already, they could be caught at any moment.
Oooh I'm loving these very subtle bits of backstory there. I love seeing little details pop up seamlessly like that because they always just add so much to a story, especially when we're talking about a first chapter like what we've got here. The reference to what could happen with this alcohol is also a neat addition because now we know what sort of stakes we're working with here.
Annoyed Leikin lowered his bottle just short of emptying it. He blinked at Jashir with sarcastic blue eyes and rose clumsily. After checking the air vent as if it were a window, he came back looking surprised. "Jashi, it's already night. It looks to be the twilight hour. Why do you need to know? Are you tired? "
Jashir's expression changed from panic to dread. He shook his head and stood quietly, drawing himself closer to Leikin. "We've been so loud. You know what the town marms say..."
Leikin seemed even more amused. "Are you scared of a little wives' tale, Jashi, or do you want to continue the fun?" His look of spite grew as he started backing away from him. After he was hidden behind one of the cellar's many shelves of ale, he hissed under his breath. "They come just past the witching hour, drawn by the voices of children."
Oooh I sense some potential foreshadowing there, especially given the title of this. Also love to see the classic combination of one person who seems to have a bit of belief in whatever tale this happens to be along with another person who is choosing to dismiss it for the moment although there is no telling if its the alcohol talking or not.
Jashir started trying to follow Leikin almost immediately, but even while drunk, Leikin was swifter than him. It had to be his long strides versus his own short strides. Jashir decided to play along after realizing that he would have to cut him off in order to reach him. If Leikin thought he would be struck by immobilizing fear, he was wrong. "Please stop! You're scaring me, Leikin!" He whined while peeking through the shelf at the other boy, who was already headed away as he suspected. He pestered like this often.
Leikin continued confidently circling Jashir, teasing him with the village story. "Children they would capture and silence. After all, if a child couldn't behave in the civilized Elven cities, they wouldn't be missed. They would then belong to the Faewilde. "
Okay...well the foreshadowing is very strong now. There's no doubt exactly where this happens to be heading towards now. Loving the bit of teasing here though. The way you've described this, you get a very good sense that this is something very familiar between these two and this might not even be the first time that they've done this exact thing.
Jashir had snaked his way through the shelves from behind, and upon seeing Leikin, he threw himself at him. "Shut up! I hate that story! " They collided and solidly hit the ground, Leikin taking the brunt of the fall and wheezing out a breath involuntarily.
"Damn Jashi, have you put on weight?" Leikin giggled, getting slapped in response. Everything stopped, however, and the boys went still when they heard a wooden door creak open. They were lying at the foot of the steps to the only door they were aware of in the cellar, and it was still closed.
At first, Jashir thought it was a joke Leikin was playing on him and opened his mouth to speak. The words, however, died in his agape mouth when he felt the other boy shiver, and then he too went pale. Then they heard it.
Oh dear...well I suppose here comes the surprise. I love we pretty much reach the peak of the playfulness there and then immediately we're tumbling straight into the potential danger. Of course at this point it could just be a random sound, but this does seem like it about to be dangerous here.
They looked at each other as they heard the sounds of feet shuffling towards them. Dragging slightly, there had to be something in the cellar with them. Whatever they were hearing sounded like it had a lot of feet. Not long after, it started making the shushing sounds again and released an almost reptilian growl.
"Hush hush hush hush..."
Leikin quietly put an arm around Jashi and rolled them both under a shelf. They maintained eye contact, and then Leikin pushed a confused Jashir out onto the floor and fought out two words. " Door. Now. "
I love how quickly and with no words whatsoever the two of them manage to switch from fighting to just being quiet and working together towards getting out of this place. The trust and the friendship there is on full display and you can see that the earlier bit really had no malice in it whatsoever.
Jashir stepped towards the door, but then, upon hearing the creeping footsteps not far behind, he hesitated, worried for Leikin's slim seeming possibility of escape. He extended a shaking hand to twist the door's bronze handle, but he felt long sharp nails grip his blue tunic and pull him back. His eyes widened and his mouth flew open, but as the long nails weaved a spell knot into his tunic, not a sound was heard.
Leikin saw the thing grab Jashir, and he sprung into action. He crawled out from under the shelf and then grabbed a bottle. Leikin crept up behind the tall, slender creature and busted the bottle on its head. They watched it fall and noticed the painted marks and tribal clothing adorning its aquamarine skin.
Jashir screamed as he noticed shadows looming over them. Leikin still hadn't noticed that they weren't alone. He yelled out to warn Leikin as the rough sacks were brought down over their heads, but nothing came out. Not even a squeak.
Well that is a very interesting creature there. It seems scary but also note exactly the epitome of terrifying, although those actions certainly are the terrifying part of equation, especially because of how these two are managing to react to those actions here. It certainly makes for a wonderful point to end on here. I always love a good cliffhanger.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, its a pretty solid first chapter here. I already love these two anyway, but we've got a bit more here to of their interaction, and of course a lovely scary that does now make me want to figure out what could possibly happen next.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4103
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