z

Young Writers Society


16+

LMS: Perfect Machine 3

by regismare


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

No amount of magic could have saved them.

The dragon slammed into the wooden shacks near the South Pass - the middle-class, suburban part of Fjordheim nearest to the South Pass through the cruel Hallingdal mountains - and ploughed into the beggining of the tiaga, driving itself into the mud and pine needles as it came to a half. The conifers were sparse and here they came down, on the lower slopes among timber cabins braced against the rain and twisting oil lamps spewing golden light. Further up, the boreal forests began with throngs of evergreen trees that covered the mountains like mange.

Einar and the brat were thrown from dragon's back when it crashed, violently, and flailed helplessly into the air. Einar was flung against the base of a spindly spruce trunk, where he lay limp like a mule dragged out from the mines as he listened to the aching-stabbing of his ribs, his face and, now, his crumpled right arm. Everything was silent as he lay there - silent like the forest before the fox is shot - and the faintest wisps of coalsmoke washed over him.

A single eye flickered open, flitting for long enough for Einar to see the shape of his dragon rammed into the permafrost, its bronze haunches bunched up and strained with its wings rigid at strange angles. Panic broke like a cloudburst and rushed down his spine in a freezing torrent as he pushed up against the ground, leaning back onto his haunches before he forced himself to his feet. Step by unsteady step, he made his way to the dragon's flanks with dread coiling snake-like in the pit of his chest - please say I didn't break it, please say I didn't break it, please say I didn't -

"Hey! Thief! I told you this would happen!"

The other side of the dragon, the brat was staggering towards it, too, her form murky between the shapes of the trees and the mist. It was a miracle - or perhaps a curse -, he thought, that she hadn't simply snapped or broken apart upon landing, with her skinny arms and her toothpick legs and skeleton face perched on a skeleton neck. Her eyes glinted out of her ghostly frame like jewels out of a rusted crown, eyebrows furrowed down as he gaze turned to Einar.

"You!" he growled, clutching his arm and stepping forwards. Anger shuddered over his skin, pulling every muscle taut. "The dragon is mine. Back off, brat."

"My name is Kara!" she shouted, still advancing. "And I want the dragon! I did half the work helping you steal it, so I'm going to share it!"

"No, you're not," Einar said, keeping his voice low, controlled, and rasping as he approached the dragon's side.

He ran a hand along the metal plates, marvelling at the way they interlocked almost perfectly, and patted the wing as if to reassure it. Awe and pride warmed his stomach as he brushed his fingers over the smooth metal. It was cold and covered in a sheen of water in the chill of the night its the rain. Smoke drifted from its nostrils and, for a moment, it was alive in Einar's eyes. It was childlike in its innocence, how it lay trusting and blind to the world. The feelings such experiances gave him were almost alien; the insatiable urge to protect, to nurture and provide for - the kinds of instincts he associated with tender mothers rather than slum-hardened monsters.

Einar looked up in time to see Kara shook her head and her curl her hands into fists as if she - a pampered palace puppy - knew how to fight. From the way she stood, self-righteous and arrogant with her shoulders forced back and her back rod-straight, It was obvious she hadn't been injured during the crash. Lucky brat, he thought bitterly. The hairs on his arms crackled and stood up as he forced his magic down to his hands. Magic reminded him of the huge electric storms that gathered in the summer - it was lightning-like bursts of energy which everyone had the potential to make, but not everyone had the potential to train.

He had spent years training, and he was going to win the fight.

"I don't want to hurt you! Why can't we share it?" Kara's voice was strained and pleading.

She didn't move as Einar stared her down from just two bounds away. If he didn't end it quickly, the Royal Guard would end it for him. He knew they would be galloping up to the foothills on the backs of draft stallions dressed up in armour and the Queen's crest as they deliberated, kicking the horses faster up the hill through their foamy-mouthed exhaustion.

He slid his knife out of the pocket of his soot-stained overcoat and locked the blade into position with one fluid, well-practiced motion. His little knife was his first, instinctual, weapon - besides his own wit. Magic was draining, and was to be used as a last resort or wildcard during a fight - a rule Einar had learnt the hard way. Adrenaline was numbing the pain in his ribs, his face, and his arm and sending shivers of fear down his back and across his arms. This was going to hurt, of course, but so did everything else.

Einar lunged forwards and bought the knife across her torso, before delivering two slick cuts to her left arm: a warning. Kara stumbled backwards, her gaze flitting from the cuts on her arm to him. Einar allowed himself to smile - she was a silken-coated kitten taking on a bitter fighting dog - and he dived forwards again.

It was a dance he knew off by heart. So many times he'd slit throats and scuffled in the backalleys, teeth and claws bared - he'd left his humanity someplace lighter and less desperate - as he fought and, almost always, emerged as the victor.

This time, however, she leaned into his attacks and grabbed the wrist of his bad hand with all of the brash confidence of a teenager. Einar faltered as she twisted his arm ruthlessly and pranced backwards. Kara clapped her hands together as he began another attack, turning the palms of her hands toward him with a shout of triumph.

Einar was blown backwards over the dragon by the force of her magic. He skidded to a halt near an oil lamp, groaning involuntarily as the adrenaline ebbed and the pain returned. Sharp pain rocked his ribs whenever he breathed, his arm whenever it moved, and his nose. He shuddered and stayed on his stomach as he heard the threatening crunching of Kara's footsteps approaching. She held out a hand and motioned for him to stay put on the ground, crushed by his own humiliation and heart-wrenching fear.

Kara crouched beside him with the kind of smile a tiger wore while towering over a deer , fiddling with his knife as if it were some sick hunting trophy. She reached down with spindly spiders' fingers under the collar of his coat, bringing out the dragon's key on the worn, dirty string. An angry lump grew in Einar's throat as she fastened the necklace around her own bony neck.

She began to speak. "So, thief -"

"Einar," Einar hissed.

"Oh, so you have a name," she smirked, her voice still jovial, "okay, Einar. You're going to share everything with me - the dragon, your home, your way of life. Teach me what it is to be a person in this beautiful city... Or I'll hand you in to the Royal Guard myself - you know what they do to criminals -, and I'll make sure the dragon never sees day again. So, we have a deal?"

There wasn't much for Einar to consider. His mind reeled with questions - how was her magic so strong, how did she knew how to fight, why did she want to share everything, why, why why? - but he did know one thing, at least: how much he didn't want to be handed in to the Royal Guard.

Einar nodded sullenly.

Kara stood up and offered him a hand.

"Brilliant! Please, show me the way home."


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 5:53 pm
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skylnn00writes wrote a review...



Hey! Sky for a review, sorry it took this long.

and ploughed into the beggining of the tiaga, driving itself into the mud and pine needles as it came to a half.

I think you meant plowed, beginning is how that is spelled, and capitalize any names. I'm not sure what is a place and what isn't, kind of confusing.

as he listened to the aching-stabbing of his ribs, his face and, now, his crumpled right arm. ... Everything was silent as he lay there - silent like the forest before the fox is shot - and the faintest wisps of coalsmoke washed over him.

I don't think you hear that pain. Maybe try a different word? Also, coal smoke it two words.

A single eye flickered open, flitting for long enough for Einar to see the shape of his dragon

The first for isn't needed.

It was a miracle - or perhaps a curse -, he thought, ... eyebrows furrowed down as he gaze turned to Einar.

the comma after "curse-" isn't needed. Also, "his gaze turned" not "he gaze."

He ran a hand along the metal plates, marvelling at the way they interlocked almost perfectly, and patted the wing as if to reassure it.

It is spelled "marveling".

It was cold and covered in a sheen of water in the chill of the night its the rain.

The "its the rain" is confusing and I reread it a few times, and I'm still not sure what you meant. Just look it over.

The feelings such experiances gave him were almost alien;

Experiences, not experiances.

Einar looked up in time to see Kara shook her head and her curl her hands into fists as if she - a pampered palace puppy - knew how to fight.

Same as above, look over it. "...Kara shook her head and her curl her hands into fists..."

Adrenaline was numbing the pain in his ribs, his face, and his arm and sending shivers of fear down his back and across his arms. This was going to hurt, of course, but so did everything else.

I don't think you need to restate where the pain is, so maybe you should write, "Adrenaline was numbing the pain and sending shivers of fear..." Also, the last sentence seems a little unneeded, but you can keep it if you want to.

Einar lunged forwards and bought the knife across her torso, before delivering two slick cuts to her left arm: a warning.

I think you meant brought, not bought.

So many times he'd slit throats and scuffled in the backalleys,

Back alleys, two words.

and the pain returned. Sharp pain rocked his ribs whenever he breathed, his arm whenever it moved, and his nose.

You keep repeating and mentioning this pain, although the information is already given. Maybe reword this too, or take it out?

"okay, Einar.

Capitalize the o.

The main thing I noticed in your story is that you put in a lot of extra details. You use "- ... -" a lot, and you put in a lot of metaphors and extra information. Whatever doesn't play a role in the story, you can take out, and some of the literary devices you can also take out in my opinion.

I really have nothing else to say. This story is interesting, and pretty unique from what I have read. The plot is also developing nicely, I just wish we knew a little more about the characters. I'm not really connecting to the main character and I don't know much about them.

Anyway, great story! I hope my review is helpful :smt001

~Sky




regismare says...


Thank you for such a great review! It's totally fine that it wasn't immediate - life happens. So many typos O_O The story and writing quality does improve further on!





No problem. I'll get to those too, and typos happen. Glad I could help :smt001





No problem. I'll get to those too, and typos happen. Glad I could help :smt001



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Sun Mar 05, 2017 4:20 am
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Feltrix wrote a review...



By now I'm sure you're used to me reviewing Prefect Machine, so I won't introduce myself. Also, it says my name next to my avatar, so that should be a clue.

I. In the first paragraph, it says that South Pass (or near it) is suburban, but if it's in the middle of the woods, that sounds pretty rural to me.

II. "Einar and the brat..." I wouldn't use the word 'brat' unless it's Einar's thoughts, which this doesn't seem to be. Otherwise, it sounds like you're labeling her, which a narrator shouldn't do.

III. "...he listened to the aching-stabbing of his ribs..." I'm not sure you can listen to stabbing ribs... is it his breathing? If so, specify. If not, he shouldn't be listening to it. Regardless, you should put 'pain' or something after 'aching-stabbing,' which should then be changed to 'aching, stabbing.'

IV. "The other side of the dragon, the brat was staggering towards it..." I think this is an acceptable time to use 'brat,' but I'd use an adjective before it. That's just me, though.

V. "It was a miracle - or perhaps a curse -, he thought..." If he's thinking, you should use italics.

VI. "'Back off, brat.'" I would say 'you brat,' but that's just me.

VII. "Einar looked up in time to see Kara shook her head and her curl her hands into fists..." This should be 'shake her head.'

VIII. "Lucky brat, he thought bitterly." Again, italics.

IX. "'My name is Kara!' she shouted, still advancing. 'And I want the dragon! I did half the work helping you steal it, so I'm going to share it!'" I think this should be 'we're going to share it,' and also, if they worked together, why doesn't Einar know Kara's name?

X. "She didn't move as Einar stared her down from just two bounds away. If he didn't end it quickly, the Royal Guard would end it for him. He knew they would be galloping up to the foothills on the backs of draft stallions dressed up in armour and the Queen's crest as they deliberated, kicking the horses faster up the hill through their foamy-mouthed exhaustion." Is the Royal Guard actually their? Otherwise everything after 'the Royal Guard would end it for him' is unnecessary.

XI. "It was a dance he knew off by heart." Take out 'off.'

XII. "'okay, Einar.'" The 'okay' should be capitalized.

XIII. "how was her magic so strong, how did she knew how to fight, why did she want to share everything, why, why why?" 'How did she knOw how to fight.' Italics. I think you can come up with an alternative to 'why, why, why?'

I like the setting and story of this ....story. And, of course, your wonderful, poetic descriptions of everything. Out of curiosity, do the characters have British accents?




regismare says...


Thank you for reviewing! It was, as always, really helpful : ) I'm British, so I imagine them to have a British accent when they talk. It's set in a place like either Britain or Scandinavia, so they'd probably have a British-y accent. Is that a good enough explanation? :p And thank you for the follow! I'll go and return the favor now <3



Feltrix says...


Good to know! The British accent is my favorite; I have a boring American one.. I noticed Einar is a Scandinavian name, but for some reason, I associate steampunk with Great Britain, not sure why.



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Sun Mar 05, 2017 12:03 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey again!

So, we get to know a bit more about magic this chapter (it's draining, it's not overly powerful) as well as more about Kara.

I love Kara so far. I like how she's seen as a "stick" and helpless but totally beats Einar up. It shows much about her! However, what I'm not certain about is her status. I'm pretty sure in the first chapter it mentioned her as the princess, and then here she's trying to steal the dragon (though it seems like if it was kept in the palace she could have it and wouldn't have to steal). I'm pretty sure she's the princess but maybe some confirmation would be nice (or when Einar is asking questions to himself about her strength, sneaking in a little 'how does she know how to fight when she's the princess' type of thing would work!).

One weird sentence nitpick:

The other side of the dragon, the brat was staggering towards it, too, her form murky between the shapes of the trees and the mist.


Doesn't quite make sense. Maybe you mean "On the other side of the dragon, the brat was staggering towards it too, her form murky between the shapes of the tress and the mist".

I thought this chapter was much more well done clarity-wise. It was easy to understand what was going on and there was no cloud of confusion! I thought I'd point that out because it seems like an improvement from the previous two chapters and I always like to know when I've improved in an area/where I have improved.

It was a dance he knew off by heart. So many times he'd slit throats and scuffled in the backalleys, teeth and claws bared - he'd left his humanity someplace lighter and less desperate - as he fought and, almost always, emerged as the victor.


I love the dance-fight metaphor (there was actually this whole dance-fight metaphor in the TV show Buffy The Vampire Slayer). Anyway, I think it was beautiful! I also liked how we get to know about Einar's life "back then".

Another simply wonderful chapter!

~EternalRain




regismare says...


Thank you for reviewing <3 Kara is the Queen's daughter, the princess, and I probably could have elaborated on that more, so I'll keep that in mind when I edit, and when I write the fourth installment. She was treated badly by her mother and wasn't allowed to go down to the dragon (she snuck down anyway) buuut I'll come to that further on. It's not something Kara really wants to talk about, but she's going to have to.



EternalRain says...


I see! I was assuming she must be hiding something. She's very mysterious. :p
No problem!



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Sat Mar 04, 2017 4:01 am
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CrimsonQuill wrote a review...



Hi there, regismare! Crimson here for a review!

You've seen me before, you know I'm picky and a stickler for grammar, so let's dive on in with the detailed work first!

The dragon slammed into the wooden shacks near the South Pass - the middle-class, suburban part of Fjordheim nearest to the South Pass through the cruel Hallingdal mountains - and ploughed into the beggining of the tiaga, driving itself into the mud and pine needles as it came to a half.

First thing, I'd recommend distinguishing your dashes and your hyphens. Keyboards by default use hyphens and not much else, unfortunately. Dashes should be longer than hyphens for visual clarity. Word processors (Word, LibreOffice, OpenOffice, etc., the latter two of which are free) will automatically replace hyphens with dashes where apropriate. You may also just double up on the hyphen key as a makeshift dash. The third option is to use a symbol keyboard (Windows has a default one called Character Map under the Start Menu -> Windows Accessories -> Character Map) or Google for 'emdash' and copy-paste the character.

Second, I think you meant 'taiga' (minor spelling error). However, more interesting is the semantics. Taiga is a biome, and (to my knowledge) you can't easily draw distinct lines where biomes start and end; they tend to blend smoothly into one another. As a result, it might make more sense to say 'ploughed into the beginning of the snow-laden forest' than 'beginning of the taiga'. It's semantics, and I love the sound of 'taiga' personally, so it's up to you.

Another minor spelling error: 'half' -> 'halt'

The conifers were sparse and here they came down, on the lower slopes among timber cabins braced against the rain and twisting oil lamps spewing golden light. Further up, the boreal forests began with throngs of evergreen trees that covered the mountains like mange.

This first sentence sounds... awkward. You need to alter its structure a bit, something like: 'The conifers were sparse here, and they came downcrashed(?) on the lower slopes, among timber(oak/pine/whatkindofwood) cabins...'

Your directionality is... unclear. Earlier you make it sound as though they were traversing from Fjordheim directly to the outskirts of the forest. Now we see that 'further up' is the forest. Is Fjordheim then further down the slope? There needs to be some indication of this, I feel. This could be simply alleviated by altering the previous reference to taiga to also refer to the mountain pass.

Einar and the brat were thrown from dragon's back when it crashed, violently, and flailed helplessly into the air.

This makes it sound as though their flailing is what sent them into the air. 'into' -> 'in', or perhaps 'through', is more appropriate here.

Einar was flung against the base of a spindly spruce trunk, where he lay limp like a mule dragged out from the mines as he listened to the aching-stabbing of his ribs, his face and, now, his crumpled right arm.

'aching-stabbing' is a confusing term. Maybe elaborate on what you mean by it? Separate the terms? Elaborate and tell us the feelings are inextricably intertwined through the pain? Whatever you want, really. Clarity.

Everything was silent as he lay there - silent like the forest before the fox is shot - and the faintest wisps of coalsmoke washed over him.

I love, love, love, love, love, love, love that you've taken the time to come up with some more unusual similes. This one stands out perhaps a tad too much. I'm not sure if it's that foxes aren't the first thing that comes to mind in the setting you depict, but in any case maybe it could use some slight tweaking. My initial thought is that it might work better if you switch the perspective: 'silent like the forest before the hunter fires a shot'. The fox may be an integral part for another reason; it's up to you and what you feel fits your story best.

A single eye flickered open, flitting for long enough for Einar to see the shape of his dragon...

'flitting' mightn't be the best word here. That, or you're missing another word. Even adding 'around' after it makes it sound a lot better, in my opinion.

Panic broke like a cloudburst and rushed down his spine in a freezing torrent as he pushed up against the ground, leaning back onto his haunches before he forced himself to his feet.

This is awesome. Just awesome. It does read just a bit awkwardly, which might be improved a little by doing something like this: 'Panic broke like a cloudburst, rushing down his spine in a freezing torrent...'

The other side of the dragon, the brat was staggering towards it, too, her form murky between the shapes of the trees and the mist.

This switches perspectives, almost. The first part makes it sound like we're looking at the scene from bird's-eye, seeing them both, and then it looks like we're looking through his eyes. If you alter it, I'd be thinking something along the lines of: 'On the other side of the dragon, he saw through the mist the murky form of the brat stagger towards it from between the trees.' That's far from perfect, but you get the idea. Most of this comes from Einar's perspective -- try to keep it that way as much as possible.

It was a miracle - or perhaps a curse -, he thought, ...

Use dashes OR commas. Never both in the same place. You can freely go ahead and use commas in the same sentence, but for each segment of the sentence, pick one or the other. The rest of this paragraph is fantastic.

"No, you're not," Einar said, keeping his voice low, controlled, and rasping as he approached the dragon's side.

Is he deliberately rasping? If not, you'll want to separate it from the other terms more. Changing the 'and' to 'but' achieves this pretty simply.

The feelings such experiances gave him were almost alien; the insatiable urge to protect, to nurture and provide for - the kinds of instincts he associated with tender mothers rather than slum-hardened monsters.

'experiances' -> 'experiences'. Also, the semicolon's apparent purpose here would be better served with a colon. It may work better to just end the sentence instead of using a dash here, too.

Einar looked up in time to see Kara shook her head and her curl her hands into fists...

'shook' -> 'shake'. Remove one 'her' after the 'and'.

her back rod-straight, It was obvious she hadn't

Lowercase 'i' after the comma here.

it was lightning-like bursts of energy which everyone had the potential to make, but not everyone had the potential to train.

This part confuses me. If you can make it, you can train it. Did you mean control instead? Is there something else funny going on in this universe's magical laws?

This time, however, she leaned into his attacks ...

In context of the previous paragraph, it ties in better if you swap 'she' for 'his opponent', I think.

Sharp pain rocked his ribs whenever he breathed, ...

I'd prefer using 'racked' here, but either works.

He shuddered and stayed on his stomach as he heard the threatening crunching of Kara's footsteps approaching.

You mention he was blown backwards over the dragon. For most, this would indicate he fell and slid upon his back. If he landed on his stomach, he'd need to have flipped in the air - a detail that is pretty important, as that indicates that whatever hit the ground first suffered additional damage from the spin.

Kara crouched beside him with the kind of smile a tiger wore while towering over a deer , fiddling with his knife as if it were some sick hunting trophy.

Don't need the space between 'deer' and the comma. :mrgreen:

She reached down with spindly spiders' fingers under the collar of his coat, bringing out the dragon's key on the worn, dirty string.

What's the purpose of the key? They didn't seem to need it while they were fighting, nor was it like a car key, for no mention was made of it being removed from the dragon amidst the crash-landing.

"Oh, so you have a name," she smirked, her voice still jovial, "okay, Einar. You're going to share everything with me - the dragon, your home, your way of life. Teach me what it is to be a person in this beautiful city... Or I'll hand you in to the Royal Guard myself - you know what they do to criminals -, and I'll make sure the dragon never sees day again. So, we have a deal?"

Period after 'jovial', start next direct quotation with a capital.

Again, dash or comma. Never both in the same place.

She progresses too quickly from threat to 'do we have a deal'? Finish the quotation after the threat and then maybe insert something else -- Einar being sullenly silent, or her smirking at him, or something along those lines. It makes it seem like she should be giving him a pause to respond, but isn't. If she isn't, that should usually be stated.

... how was her magic so strong, how did she knew how to fight ...

'knew' -> 'know'

Overall
Even from the previous chapter, I can see marked improvements. You're doing very well with drawing the reader in, making the character's pain and emotions relatable and easily understood, and your descriptions and similes are far more in-depth and interesting.

You have a slight problem with overusing dashes where other punctuation or sentence forms would be better. Some sentences become unwieldy when you have a string of commas and a bunch of dashes scattered throughout. Consider splitting sentences up for clarity, or being a little less dash-happy. Dashes have their uses (though some would angrily argue against me), but I would strongly recommend finding places where other punctuation can serve you better.

I'm liking this dynamic where Einar thinks he knows so much and is a very seasoned fighter, but gets trampled by a young woman just because he completely and utterly miscalculates. It's lovely.

Keep on writing -- this is definitely a promising story, and I look forward to seeing where you take it!

Cheers,

Crimson.




regismare says...


Thank you for reviewing! I'll make the changes now, and I'll try to keep the dashes under control : ) I imagine the city to be in an old glacier-valley and the taiga was cut down in order to build the city, so the taiga would kind of start suddenly, or, at least, fairly suddenly. I'll try to make it clearer, though, and I'll clear up the bit about the key.




As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie