z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Walking Among Memories

by reenaHeights13


Ted Jensen was the epitome of cop stereotypes. He was 56 years old, teetering on the edge of “I’m not as young as I once was” and “good and gone”. He got to work early, stayed late, drank lots of black coffee (accompanied by hot doughnuts, of course) and grew a mustache fit to shame any one of Mario’s relatives.

Ted was as normal and boring and lazy as any man could hope to become.

Except for one thing…

Ted wasn’t always able to see ghosts. Hadn’t even realized until recently that there was such a thing. In fact, he was sure that there hadn’t been any ghosts hanging around him until two months ago, when he started seeing strange things. He’d be walking down the sidewalk and all of a sudden the person in front of him would disappear. Or be walking to his car and bump into someone, only to realize his shoulder hadn’t bumped, rather gone straight through the other individual.

It was because of these strange events that Ted stood on the doorstep of the police department, a box full of random desk junk nestled in his arms. He’d talked to his boss a month before about finally retiring. Of course, it had taken his boss close to ten minutes to even remember that there was a Ted Jensen in the police department. Ted was just one of those guys you never remembered and who didn’t get offended at being forgotten.

It wasn’t long after his retirement request that he was officially released, free to do whatever he wanted with the short amount of life span he still had.

He already had a plan, though. It wasn’t the ideal plan, but it was a plan nonetheless.

He’d thought long and hard about the things which he could find no other word for then “ghosts” and had come to the conclusion that these were just figures from his imagination, brought to life in an impossible reality only by his failing old mind.

So Ted had checked himself into a nursing home.

It was a quiet little place, more of a long, wide house with white trim and pastel pink-painted outside. It was the kind of place with flowers everywhere, hanging from the ceiling, perched gracefully on desks and tables and in fragile little vases on the window sills.

The only people behind the front desk were women, three of them very young and one looking as if she were about ready to check into the home herself. They all wore flattering white dresses, and perfect white nurse caps, not the usual stiff outfits popular for nurses of the day, but Ted found he liked them even better.

One of the young women stood and smiled at Ted, who had just pushed through the front door with two bags in his hand, full of the only things he had, such as shirts and pants, and the usual necessities. She kept on smiling, a delicate, but sincere tilt of her lips upward.

“You must be Ted Jensen,” she said in an angels voice, full of kindness and good will.

Ted’s head, which had been hanging in embarrassment until that moment, snapped up and he grinned as wide as he’d ever grinned. For once in his life, he’d not been forgotten.

He nodded and said in a gruff voice that didn’t seem to belong in the picturesque atmosphere, “Yes ma’am, that’s me.”

“Right this way, Ted, we already have a room prepared for your stay.” She smiled once again and gestured for him to follow her down a side hallway.

Ted hesitated for a moment. “Don’t I have to sign somthin’ or other?”

The nurse just shook her head of beautiful golden curls. “All that is needed to be done in order to permit your stay here has already been done.”

They’d stopped at an open white door with a brass knob. The room was full of sunlight and the smell of clean clothes and sheets and yellow roses, the last of which sat in a glass vase on the oak dresser by Ted’s new bed. The walls all had different paintings on them, one a vast field full of beautiful summer flowers, another a dark green, golden-sunlight forest with elegant trees and swaying branches, and another with an ocean, so wide and blue it took Ted’s breath away.

“Do you like it?”

Ted had almost forgotten the nurse was still there. He swallowed twice and cleared his throat before finally turning to her with a dazed smile on his bright face and whispering, “It’s the most amazing thing I ever seen.”

She smiled, genuinely pleased that he was happy.

“Is it okay if I just walk out and grab some things from my car?” Ted asked, pointing back the way they’d come, still in awe of this beautiful place he would be calling home.

The nurse nodded and led the way back, letting him walk outside on his own to grab the bag of special coffee beans he’s left in his back seat.

As he was walking to his car and starting to unload the bag, a man approached him with a half cautious, half suspicious expression on his face. He seemed to have come from the house to the left of the nursing home, a bright blue two-story, with a nice white old-fashioned picket fence.

“Excuse me, sir?” The man asked loud enough for Ted to hear.

Ted looked up, surprised. “What?”

Though the man didn’t seem to know what to do. He was looking at Ted with a weird expression on his face, like he didn’t know what to expect from him.

After a while, the man plucked up an ounce of courage and stated, “You can’t be on that property, it’s private and no one’s allowed to live there.”

Ted looked at the man in astonishment. “Whadya mean I can’t live there, I’m a patient there!”

The man jumped back in surprise, a little bit of fear in his eyes. “Sir, you can’t be,” he whispered, nervous and shaky.

“Well, whadya mean?” Ted replied, angry that this man was threatening to take away something that meant so much to him.

The man gulped and said in one rush of breath, “Because the old nursing home burned down fifty years ago.”

Ted stared at the man, something starting to play in the back of his mind.

He turned slowly, everything blurring, hoping still to see that beautiful building still standing, still welcoming.

It was all old ashes, a huge wooden pile of ruin, no flourishing plants, smiling nurses and the smell of cleanness and home. Just a hollow emptiness where nothing was left, where just a second ago, Ted had walked among the remnant of memories.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
128 Reviews


Points: 1204
Reviews: 128

Donate
Sun Sep 27, 2015 9:12 pm
fantasydragon01 wrote a review...



Hello, and Happy Review Day!!
What an interesting story! I liked it very much. It was very well-written, and I think that you handled the character of Ted wonderfully. I liked him and his personality very much.

I have some nitpicks, however:
"Angels voice". Add an apostrophe to "angels".

"Though the man didn't seem to know what to do. He was looking at Ted..." Get rid of that period and replace it with a comma.

Other than that, I think you did a good job. Keep on writing. Good luck!!!! @fantasydragon01




User avatar
558 Reviews


Points: 1219
Reviews: 558

Donate
Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:46 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, reenaHeights! Artemis28 here to review your work, obviously. :D Happy Review Day and go Team Tardis!

Let's begin! I didn't find any mistakes until the middle, which is quite the accomplishment! Nice job on that. But let's get to the nitpick at hand. It's a minor grammatical thing, nothing to worry about. "Angels" should have an apostrophe, since it's a possessive noun--an angel's voice.

"she said in an angels voice, full of kindness and good will."

A little spelling error, right here. "Somthin'" should be "somethin'".

"Don’t I have to sign somthin’ or other?"

I was NOT expecting the ending! It kind of freaked me out... but in a good way! I never actually thought about his "talent" for seeing ghosts until the end. It was amazing! I liked your descriptive-ness and the only nitpicks I found were little grammatical things. You are a very talented writer, I must say. Good job and keep writing, you're so good at it! :)

-Artemis28, Team Tardis




User avatar
299 Reviews


Points: 24185
Reviews: 299

Donate
Fri Sep 25, 2015 1:25 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Well, I did not see that coming. O_O

What an impressive story, reenaHeights13! I love how unique this story is. While I've read plenty of other stories that focus on a similar topic - somebody who sees ghosts and has to cope with the consequences - this was creative and quite distinctive in comparison to the others. In particular, the nursing home surprised me, as what happens there is a unique twist to the normal elements of stories similar to this. Most other stories don't usually deal with entire places that happen to be nothing but memories, or have such ironic situations as this one, and I therefore applaud you for the plot of your story. The home seems so beautiful and peaceful at first, and, in a way, it had once been. It had been beautiful, the room was amazing, the service seemed to be wonderful and I was so happy, at first, that Ted finally got some recognition and respect for a change. And then comes the conversation where Ted comes to find out that the nursing home burned down 50 years ago. I couldn't help but feel bad for him, because of the bitter irony of the instance - he went there because he was absolutely sure he was starting to go mad. He'd quit his job, left his past life, and tried to check into a nursing home in the hopes of escaping what he considers the product of his slowly failing mind. Then it turns out that the nursing home is itself a ghost, a remnant of memories, one of what he thinks is the products of his madness. He finally finds the one place where he is recognized, where he, for a short time, is happy (even defending himself in the conversation with the nervous man), and then it turns out that the whole place doesn't even exist anymore. For these reasons, I enjoyed the story. It is unique, it is surprising, full of twists and turns, and I like the way that you so skillfully manipulate the reader's emotions, and make them feel a little bad for the plight of the MC. In those respects, this story is amazing.

Furthermore, the same can be said for other aspects in this short story. The details here are absolutely wonderful. I can envision each scene in the story, such as the man's life, his appearance, his often being forgotten, and the nursing home that he found, as well as the people and the room within. Everything is clear, and the flow of the story is excellent. I had no problems reading this story from start to finish, although I did notice one tiny grammatical error (When you said, "The nurse just shook her head of beautiful golden curls. 'All that needed to be done in order to permit your stay here has already been done,'" you should insert an "is" between "that" and "needed," so that the subject of the sentence is connected to the rest by means of a linking verb, making the sentence a little more clear and vivid), and I feel that this is an excellent starting point for a novel. Just like BlueAfrica says, I'd love to see you take this idea, which is amazing enough as it stands, and create a novel out of it. I'd certainly read it - this short story, in terms of its ideas, concepts, details, and the uniqueness, is wonderful, and I see all kinds of potential here for an amazing supernatural-themed novel. In conclusion, I enjoyed reading this story from start to finish, and I love your skills as a writer. Great job! :D




User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:20 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

WHAAAAAAA---

Okay, you get the picture, and I'm sorry to have wasted the first three lines with inane commentary, but, just...WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

I mean, I knew Ted could see ghosts, and I was thinking maybe the one nurse was a ghost because she was all angelic and it sounded like maybe they were wearing those old-fashioned 1950s nurses' uniforms instead of modern ones, plus also the room he was in with those beautiful pictures seemed too nice for any nursing home I have ever seen..

But I was NOT EXPECTING the nursing home to NOT BE THERE ACTUALLY. WHAT????

I really fell in love with Ted, even though he didn't say much or do much. You did a great job characterizing him. He just made me think of a cute little old man, someone a little bit sad to look at because he's used to being forgotten and doesn't appear to have a family and even his boss didn't remember he was on the force until he put in his retirement request. And he was just nice and polite and a little midwestern, and I just really liked him. Plus it was sort of heartrending that he decided to check himself into a home (far too young, in my opinion) because he felt like he was seeing things with these ghosts.

So then that made it all the more WHAAAAAT when it turns out his beautiful new home actually was just a ghostly vision and isn't there anymore.

I only have a few suggestions for improvement here.

One is, don't let us know right off the bat he sees ghosts, per se. I mean, definitely let us know that he comes across people who seem to disappear right in front of him and about bumping into someone and then realizing he's actually sort of bumped through them instead, but don't tell us they're ghosts. I mean, if he checked himself into a home, evidently he thinks they're hallucinations and that's why he needs to stop living on his own. So you could call them "hallucinations," but then once we find out the nursing home burned down fifty years ago, suddenly we would realize: Ghosts!

Additionally, since the nursing home isn't actually there, the man he meets at the end should probably not say "did I just see you walk into the nursing home." Because, well, no, he didn't see that, because he can't see the nursing home. I think it would be enough if he just came up to Ted like, "Dude, you can't be here, this is private property," and Ted can be like, "No, bro, I'm a patient," and the guy's like, "Dude, what are you talking about?" and Ted can go, "I'm a patient. At the nursing home. DUH" and then the guy's all, "Whoa, dude. Um. No. That nursing home burned down like a million years ago."

(Obviously they wouldn't say it EXACTLY LIKE THAT, but you get my point.)

And then I started wondering, how did Ted check into this nursing home in the first place if it's not there? It's reasonable to assume he'd see it because he can see ghosts, but...now the ghosts have phone lines?

However, I wouldn't worry about that too much if I were you, because it's fridge logic. That is, I didn't notice that problem while reading--only afterward, when I was thinking really deeply about the story and what kind of suggestions to give for improvement. I don't know if many other people will even think about that. See what other readers say and go from there.

My final suggestion is: WRITE MORE OF THIS. Holy cow. Turn this into a novel. I'm begging. I have no idea what the plot would be, but that ending felt like a cliffhanger and I seriously want to read more, because that was incredibly enjoyable and I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THE NURSING HOME WASN'T REALLY THERE. Omg.

So obviously you don't have to take that suggestion, but I don't make it very often.

BlueAfrica




User avatar
271 Reviews


Points: 414
Reviews: 271

Donate
Thu Sep 24, 2015 3:10 pm
Gravity wrote a review...



Heya! Gravity here to do a quick review for you, today.

Here are grammar/spelling/punctuation mistakes that some people don't like to have corrected so I enspoiler them, just in case.

Spoiler! :
“You must be Ted Jensen,” she said in an angels voice, full of kindness and good will.
"Angels" should be "Angel's"

Ted hesitated for a moment. “Don’t I have to sign somthin’ or other?”
you forgot the 'e' in 'somethin'


So wow. The plot twist. I really liked the concept of your story but for me I felt it wasn't paced that well and some of the elements don't make sense. Why would Ted check himself into a nursing home? Why not a psych ward or therapy? Also, I feel like the plot twist at the end came too suddenly. Like maybe there should be things leading up to that point that hints at it being a burned down building so the reader goes "oh!"

Anyway, I liked the plot twist, it was good. I just think you could expand on it. Happy Writing!

XOXO,
Gravity





"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery