Young Writers Society

Hello friend! First of all, I should mention that this is one of my reviews for the in-depth poetry, reviewing event! I am so happy to get the chance to review this fantastic poem of yours. Without wasting any more time, let's jump right into this in depth review.

Stanza One

i should remember the exact date of when we stood under the mango trees

but unlike you i don't have a head for dates

besides, i don't think even you could remember this one

my heart is clumsy and frail like a piece of paper

i accidently spilled black tea all over it & i dont even like black tea

you don't like it either, but i do remember that you wiped it away

i've never forgotten your words or the dimensions of your face

how could i? when i see you instead of commanders of armies

in black & white on my history textbook

maybe you remember some things too

like how you had your arm around me- ready for a picture

cameras exist to preserve our history don't they?


i hope you know you're bigger than this world

& that you've invaded my soul bit by bit.

Hello, redcarnation. Happy Review Month! Valkyria here to review your lovely work. I will be using the YWS S'more Method today! Let's get into it:

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is such a cute poem! I interpreted it as the narrator having a crush on someone else. The other person doesn't reciprocate it because they are unaware of the crush. There are some lovely metaphors and symbolisms that punch the emotions into the readers. The imagery paints the picture for us. The stanzas are strong, and every word is used to the fullest.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
There's a little inconsistency with the punctuation throughout the poem. Some stanzas have commas and periods while others do not. Punctuation is a stylistic choice, but remember to keep it consistent if you choose to have it or not.

I also want to suggest changing the narrator's memory of their time at the mango tree. It's implied that the other person has a better memory, but they don't remember the tree. Instead of the narrator not able to remember the exact date, they're able to name the date, day, and time. It makes the crush feel more impactful that they can remember the date, even though the other person may not think of it as significant.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
The first stanza strikes a vivid image that immediately pulls me in. Already I have an idea of what the poem is about. Mangoes symbolize happiness, love, and spending time with people you care about. What a perfect way to open the poem. I also love how you characterized the other person. They have a good memory for dates unlike you, but that moment under the mango tree was so insignificant to them that they probably don't remember.

Moving on to the second stanza, I love the metaphor of the paper. It's a great comparison to how open the narrator's heart is, but they can't steady themselves when they fall for someone. I also love that we get to see a little more of the other person's character. Wiping away the tea even though they don't like it shows that they are kind and compassionate. No wonder the narrator has a crush on her.

I like the image of the narrator seeing their crush in textbooks instead of actual historical figures. It adds a nice touch of the person daydreaming. And for the final symbolism, I love how the camera is used. I never thought of cameras preserving the subjects' history. It's a nice callback to the first stanza because the person's memory is really good.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
This was a wonderful poem. I enjoyed reading it! There are beautiful similes and striking imagery in the poem. You captured the tone perfectly. There's a genuine crush for someone else, but there's a hint of sadness because the other person doesn't feel the same. Wonderful job on this!

Valkyria

Hey there!

Your first line starts off and immediately pulls me into a very specific, vivid image. It was a little abrupt, but I’m not even mad about it because it was such a strong, immediate response.

I wanted you to define the date you’re talking about. You mention in the first stanza that the subject of your poem has a head for dates, but you doubt they even know this one. This indicates to the reader that it’s a possibly insignificant date to the subject, but very important to the writer - but you kind of drop this thread quickly as you merge into the next stanza. My honest suggestion in editing would be to just scrap the first stanza all together.

This is mostly because the second stanza is absolutely excellent and should be the introduction for this poem. You would start out on such a stronger foot with “my heart is clumsy…” being the first line. Try it out and see what you think. That being said, I do think there’s still work to be done on the second stanza. You draw our attention to very specific details (a date that is significant but also not, black tea being spilled but disliked by both parties) but you don’t really give any context to this information, so it falls a little flat for me. Why was there black tea around your paper heart? Why should we care if it was spilled? Why does it matter that neither of you like it? Again, you want the image you’re striking to be evocative, but you also want it to mean something beyond it being a pretty line strung together.


I feel like something you should think about when you’re working on editing is completely fleshing out your ideas. These stanzas feel a little disjointed from one another and not really connected to a grander picture. I want them to connect a little more deeply from one stanza to another. You pull in a lot of different imagery (textbooks, pictures, history, invasion) throughout the last three stanzas, but I want it to be a little more intentional as to why you’re using these comparisons to describe someone. Earlier in the poem you implied that even though the subject doesn’t like black tea, they cleaned it off your heart anyway, which I interpreted to mean that they were caring, thoughtful, selfless person. Then, later, you switch the narrative to make it seem like they’re commanding, imposing, and all consuming.


This is not to say it can’t be both! It definitely can! I just think I need a little more details to help pull me into the world of the writer and the subject of this poem. Adding more lines to each stanza, or perhaps combining a few to make a more cohesive story would help a lot.

You have some excellent work here. There is a lot of room to grow, which is the best part about poetry, the change and development can be so exciting and invigorating. You capture the tone and voice of a first, young love so effectively. It is genuine and sweet with an undertone of melancholy that I can’t help but enjoy. Really, really nice!!


- Sizzle

Hello! I'm here to review this wonderful poem. I will be reviewing as I read (a second and third time most likely <3)

The opening line grabbed my attention. Instantly I wanted to know what is significant about the mango trees which is a perfect symbol in and of itself. Mangos are a tropical fruit and a beautiful orange red color that in this case seems to represent friendship and the hope of a bright future. The character appears to be very whimsical, living in the moment as they don't remember the date of this meeting, but it obviously holds tender memories.

frail like a piece of paper

Hai :3

This is so delicate and full of heart!! The way you capture memory and those tiny moments, like the mango trees and the black tea, is so intimate but also relatable in this kinda universal way. Like the specifics are your story, but the feelings are so easy to connect to. The line about not having a head for dates but still holding onto everything else ~~ It’s such a soft way of talking about how love and memory work. We forget the little details, but the feeling stays with us!! Sososo real!!

The metaphor with the heart being clumsy and frail like paper hit me so hard!! The same with the tea spill. Like, you didn’t even like it but it still stained everything, and then they wiped it away. I love that little detail!! It’s such a perfect image of someone caring for you, even in those messy, everyday moments. It says so much without being overly dramatic. It balances casual with something not so much.

i've never forgotten your words or the dimensions of your face
how could i? when i see you instead of commanders of armies
in black & white on my history textbook

i hope you know you're bigger than this world
& that you've invaded my soul bit by bit.