Young Writers Society

the lovely colour of your banana
[overall impression of the piece]

taking off the peels
[themes of the piece and the effect it has on the reader]

the slightly mushy parts
[areas for improvement, critique]

the monkey finished it up
[ending thoughts]

Hey, it's Serrurie! This short story really packs a lot into it, so I can't wait to get into the review!

The Good Stuff:
- I really enjoyed the action in this story. The action (and death itself) had a sort of beauty to it that gory scenes usually don't have. But this one was more elegant than gory, and I appreciate that.
-This definitely feels like the prologue to a story, considering how it ended. It almost made nature feel like a character itself and it leaves plenty of room for a longer story.
-We learn a lot about the girl's wants at the beginning of the story which allows for a strong plot in a short timeframe, which can be difficult to execute (but you did it amazingly)

Room For Improvement:
- I feel like the first paragraph was a bit bunched together and confusing. It feels like you didn't cram enough in and also gave too much at the same time (if that makes sense). I would suggest giving more of the MC's thoughts to have a stronger beginning before going into action. And, when the action starts, I would suggest starting a new paragraph to show how you've transitioned from her thoughts and make it easier for the reader.
- I would also suggest maybe giving your MC a name. Starting off with the word 'She' doesn't feel like the beginning of the story and rather that we (the readers) are thrown into the middle of it all. If you don't want to add a name I would suggest starting with the action first before transitioning into her thoughts.

Overall Opinion: Great beginning to what will hopefully be a much longer story! Please continue writing this, since it seems pretty interesting.

Book I Would Recommend For You: The Whispers of The Wind by Abigail G. Thompson (a really good book unless you can't stand its abundance of grammatical errors).

Happy Writing!
-Serrurie

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this was quite a punchy little fic, really coming into it based on the horrors that humans tend to perform on nature and that classic what if of when nature chose to fight back.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

She had already tried to persuade her father not to go on this holiday. But he was adamant. He just needs a break , she knew. Things weren't going well for either of them. Suddenly ,the ground beneath her shook and she broke out of her bubble of thoughts and realised that they had already boarded ship.

The ship was moving fast and soon she couldn't see anything around her for miles and miles except water. The day soon turned to night and the crowd around her was still partying wildly with lights and music and alcohol. Amidst all the chaos, her thoughts turned to that fateful day that had changed everything for her. It seemed as if life had turned against her. From being a normal school-going teenager , she had turned into a social outcast, the day her mother had died .

Suddenly, a loud noise broke into her train of thoughts. The waves were getting bigger, looking more and more threatening every minute. It seemed like they wanted to swallow up the ship. The sky was turning stormy. A thunderstorm started and it started raining heavily like the sky was spewing out some unresolved enmity. It was taking out its anger on the ship and its passengers.

The people started panicking . Standing on the edge and observing the whole scene, the girl knew that this night was like no other. Something was going to happen. Suddenly , the ship hit a huge rock and the rock's pointy edge punctured a hole in the ship .

As the girl was holding her breath, about to drown, she saw her mother, telling her to not let go.But her breathing reflex took over , she opened her mouth and gulped in icy cold water. An unbelievable pain struck her chest and then she died. Her miseries came to an end .

No one escaped that night. Those who managed to get on life boats were taken down by the huge waves. Nature had risen again. It meant to take down man and technology. It was going to take its revenge on the cruelty and ignorance of mankind.

It was the beginning of a war that would taint human history forever.

Hi! I am here with a short review of this work. The first thing to consider is the length - it's a bit short, but I don't mind it at all - although there are mostly longer jobs on YWS, it's not really a problem. You have a good storytelling style, I just feel that some points in the story could use a little more description. Well, the descriptions are individual, I understand that - some people like them more and some don't. I would also like to warn you about one very important grammatical error that stretches throughout the entire text - commas. You often put a space before and after the line. It shouldn't be there. As an example, I'm giving you one sentence from your story with an example of correct grammar:
Your sentence: Suddenly , the ship hit a huge rock and the rock's pointy edge punctured a hole in the ship .
Correctly: Suddenly, the ship hit a huge rock and the rock's pointy edge punctured a hole in the ship.
Also, be a little careful about repeating words; in such a short text it is much more visible if some words are repeated more often. For example, try to find a word other than "suddenly".

Hi! First of all, I wanted to say, I've joined recently too!
The story was written very well, and the idea is original and very unique. Although the length of the piece was fairly short, I feel that most details were elaborated on adequately, so kudos to you for that!

I wanted to give one feedback: it would be great if you used the word "suddenly" wisely. I read it many times during the story, which is FINE, but the length of the piece makes the reader feel that it is slightly overused.

Otherwise, brilliant writing!

I like how there aren't that many details to it. It gets straight to the point and I enjoy that. You get a better feel of her death not in a sad way but in more of an "oh wow" kind of way because it's almost like you can put yourself in the girl's place.

One thing I will say is you use suddenly a lot. It's not that big of a problem I just noticed it lol.

Hello, new member!
Welcome to YWS! I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I'd check it out!


On first impressions, I noticed this was quite short and definitely to the point. You seemed to know exactly in what direction you wanted this story to go and how you wanted it to end. Which is great! You had the plot in your head, and you were able to put it on paper. Only so many people can do that successfully. So congrats to you for that!


But if I could offer any sort of advice, it would most likely be to lengthen your story just a smidge. In certain ways, it seemed like the pace was a little too rapid, and there just wasn't quite enough detail to support it.
As an example, I'm going to use paragraphs 4 and 5. You stated,

The people started panicking . Standing on the edge and observing the whole scene, the girl knew that this night was like no other. Something was going to happen. Suddenly , the ship hit a huge rock and the rock's pointy edge punctured a hole in the ship .

As the girl was holding her breath, about to drown, she saw her mother, telling her to not let go.But her breathing reflex took over , she opened her mouth and gulped in icy cold water. An unbelievable pain struck her chest and then she died. Her miseries came to an end .

The people started panicking. While standing on the edge and observing the whole scene, the girl knew this night was like no other. Something was going to happen, and in that moment, it did.

Suddenly, the ship hit a huge rock, and the force mixed with the sharp edges of the rock caused a giant hole to open on the side of the ship. With this, the ship began to rapidly fill with water, sinking and submerging everyone inside in the deep blue water.

As the girl was holding her breath, about to drown, she saw her mother, telling her not to let go. But her breathing reflex took over; she opened her mouth and gulped in icy cold water. An unbelievable pain struck her chest, and then she died. Her misery came to an end.